fossilised | For Steve

[Oh god. Oh god. This is happening. Bucky is... Bucky is almost definately flirting back, right? Right? Steve's glad it's dark out, he hopes it'll hide the sudden blush and that he'll be able to get it back under control before they get to the building again.]

Does that mean you'll for sure come back to class? Besides, it's not really a spandex superhero suit, just gym clothes.

[You know, one of those ridiculously tight shirts along with shorts no heterosexual man owns.]

I don't know, it wasn't really my thing. Don't you remember the boat disaster? Pretty sure the less art of mine in the world, the better the world is.

[He does smile sideways, though. God, Steve is making it hard not to flirt. He is coming onto Bucky, right? But surely he has someone... an Adonis like this is definitely not single.]

Besides, I can't learn from someone who makes pancakes from a mix.

[Steve has to laugh at that, put at ease again by Bucky's joking around.]

Fair point. But if that's the case then it isn't really inappropriate since we aren't teacher and student, is it? Just two guys who live in the same apartment building.

[Okay, he really can't ignore it now. That genuinely seems like Steve is asking him out, which could get pretty dangerous really quickly. He liked Steve, he did, but nobody should be dealing with his shit at the moment.]

Are you coming onto me?

[Better to put it out there bluntly, and then either be shot down or make things awkward either way. It probably means no pancakes or easy neighbour friendship, but some things have to be said.]

['Fuck, he IS straight'. That's the first thing that comes to mind, followed quickly by 'He has a significant other already,' with 'You're hardly a damn Adonis who attracts everyone who is single and into men he's just not into you that way' taking up the rear of the self-depreciation train.

The urge is very strong to say no, to make a joke out of it - which to be fair would probably fall flat anyway, situation diffusing jokes were Tony's specialty not Steve's - to maybe just literally run for it except Bucky also literally knows where he lives. That still leaves lying, but even if Steve didn't have a thing against lying for any purpose other than to spare someone's feelings he's shit poor at it. His face is too honest.

And by now, even as fast as those thoughts fly through his head, it's still been too long of a pause to be anything other than an obvious 'yes'. So he opts for focusing his attention on the route they're taking rather than looking at Bucky to deliver the carefully spoken,]

... only if you'd be interested in that.

[Damn it Natasha why did you talk him into this? Why did he let you talk him into this?]

[His first, stupid, instinctive reaction is happiness. He hasn't been come onto in months, in years, and god does he ever miss it. He used to be a real player around the town - never nasty, he would never cheat or lie - but he always had a guy on his arm and he got a fair amount of action in the bedroom. Not since shipping out. He doesn't think of himself as attractive any more... hell, he knows he's not attractive any more, with his missing arm and scars and fucked up brain.

But to be hit on by someone who looks like Steve, someone who's such a nice and genuine guy. God, for a moment he wants to accept. But it's because Steve is such a good guy that he can't do that.]

Look, Steve...

[It's awkward now, stilted and cloying. He rubs his hand over the back of his head, trying to find the right words.]

A couple of years ago, I'd have jumped you right here in the street. You're sexy, funny, smart, and-- Jesus, what I'm trying to say is, do yourself a favour and don't get involved with me. Okay? Guy like you, you can do better, so don't settle.

I'm not settling- [Steve snaps the words out, hurt, before he can bite his tongue and hold them back. Even if it was a gentle rejection as kindly stated as possible, Bucky has every right to do the rejecting and Steve has no right to be upset about it. It isn't like he hasn't had that happen a hundred times before, either - even if he'd never wanted anyone else as much as he's starting to realize he wanted - wants - Bucky.]

... Sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have -

[God, Steven Grant Rogers - you are a train wreck of a human being. How do you still have friends? Think before you talk.]

I meant to say that it's alright. I might not have much dating experience ... any dating experience... but I get it. Stings, but I don't mind. I hope I didn't make things too weird to be friends, at least? I'll understand too if I did, though.

[Damn it. Bucky can see that Steve is still taking it personally despite him trying to explain, like Steve thinks he's trying to be nice and let him down gently for not being interested.

He doesn't want that. He knows how much it sucks to be rejected, and god knows he doesn't actually want to reject Steve, so he sighs and dives in a bit deeper.]

No, you don't get it.

[He stops in the street so that he can look properly into Steve's eyes, firm and steady.]

I want to say yes and ask you out on a date, but that wouldn't be fair to you. I'm fucked up, Steve-- [Okay, now or never.] --I've got one arm, a hell of a lot of scars, and my brain is scrambled. I'd be a jerk if I let someone get involved.

[Steve stops when Bucky stops, and while he tries hard to project quiet but secure understanding ... his face is too honest. He looks a bit too much like a kicked puppy.

He knows issues like Bucky's aren't uncommon, not at all, but it's still so hard to wrap his head around them looking at Bucky standing there. Sure they've only known each other for like... maybe a full day at this point, but still.

Steve doesn't want to dismiss Bucky's issues, because they clearly are something weighing him down, but...]

You're also funny, kind, and ... really really attractive. I think you've got a lot more to offer than you think.

[Steve is really sweet, but he's also naive. He might think that it would be no problem to date someone like Bucky, but he knew better, he knew differently. When it came time for them to undress and he had to face the mess of what was under his clothes, or when Bucky couldn't go out to dinner again because of the crowds, or when he forgot another date and stood him up because his memory was faulty... well, he might not think that Bucky had a lot to offer then.

But maybe that's Steve's lookout to find out. Why should he deny himself the possibility for a few nice evenings before it all went to shit? He warned Steve, right? And he wanted this, he wanted it so much. Steve's the first person he's been able to talk to like a semi-normal person in a long time, it's like finding a piece of himself in someone else.]

I don't want to hurt you.

[That's the truth of it. His voice is just a bit tired there, like he knows it would happen eventually. But he's not turning down Steve again, he's just scared. He wants it, but he doesn't want to inevitably ruin it.]

[Bucky's holding the bag, and now that Steve has confirmation that the other arm is a prosthetic it isn't like that one's an option to take really, so he just reaches out instead to touch the back of Bucky's hand. Light, barely there, easy to pull away from.

His eyes and voice are so earnest.]

I'm not made of glass. I'm harder to hurt than you think. If you sincerely don't want to, I understand, I promise. But even if it doesn't work out, you'll still have my friendship.

[He's like a goddamn puppy in human form, it's nearly impossible to say no to him. Even when he should, and he really should. This is going to end horribly, Steve is going to get hurt, and there's no way they'll remain friends.

But fuck it, he doesn't want to say no, and maybe he'll get a few weeks of happiness to look back on when he inevitably drives Steve away.]

Ask me out again, Rogers.

[This time he might well say yes.]

[Yeah, he really is. Especially with the way he just looks so hopeful at that.]

... Do you want to make pancakes and have coffee at my place date sometime?

[The thing is, Steve might not have the PTSD that Bucky is dealing with, but he doesn't particularly like crowds or is one for the typical dating scene either.]

[This is such a terrible idea, it's such a bad idea, it's such--]

Yeah, I'd love to.

[He gave Steve a tiny lopsided smile and started walking again.]

So what does that make these pancakes? Pre-date practise?

[Steve's smile lights up like the fourth of July. There's a renewed bounce in his step as he follows along with Bucky back to the apartment. He just feels so... so happy. So light, like he'd just float away on the breeze like a balloon.]

Exactly. You show me how you like them so I can have them perfect for actual date pancakes.

[That's adorable. It's actually kind of nice to know that he put that smile there, it's not something he's done a lot of lately... feels good. His own smile stays at the amused half twist to his lips, but his shoulders do ease a bit. No point worrying more now, he'd just enjoy it while it lasted.]

So should I be taking lessons on your favourite meal to return the favour? Let me guess-- apple pie?

[Just you wait, Mister Barnes. Steve Rogers is notoriously difficult to get rid of once he's got his mind set on something.]

... How'd you know?

[He can't help it, he bursts into surprised laughter. The noise has a slight rasp to it, like it's not a sound he's made very often in a long time, but it's entirely genuine.]

You're just messing with me, it's not really apple pie, is it?

[Nobody is that much of an all-American boy scout.]

[Steve loves that sound and now he's got a goal to hear it again as much as possible.

He's got it so bad.]

It is! Warm, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream if I can get it but the pie all by itself would be great. My mom used to make them whenever she had the time when I was a kid. I have her recipe but I've never tried making it - I think I'm scared I'll mess it up and it won't taste right.

You're killing me here, Steve. It's like you're some kind of comic superhero, I don't know-- Captain America or something. All apple pie and helping old ladies defeat muggers. I bet you're first issue would be saving a cat from a tree.

[Though he's teasing, it's with admiration rather than derision. He had forgotten that people this good existed in the world, it was a soothing reminder to meet one.]

You'll have to show me the recipe, maybe I can help out.

[Steve blushes a little -well ok more than a little at Bucky's words, though he's smiling and laughing too.]

Sure. I unpacked it, I can show you when we're making pancakes.

[A pointed pause, then,]

... I did actually save a cat from a tree once.

[They round a corner and their apartment building is suddenly right there. Bucky feels a knot of tension unravel, one he barely noticed before. It's good to be home, he associates this building with safety.]

You so did not.

[He's calling bullshit on that.]

Cats don't get stuck up trees in real life, no way. What, did the owner kiss you on the cheek and the picture make the front page too, Cap?

[New nickname: acquired.]

This one did! One of the kids on the base just got a new kitten and the thing chased a squirrel up a tree before it realized it didn't know how to get down. The kid was too short to reach the first branch but I just barely could at the time so I climbed up to get the cat. The kitten shredded my arm to ribbons for the trouble though. Mom wasn't happy - she was a nurse - but it wasn't like she could get mad at me for helping someone.

[He's got the slightly sneaky smile that comes from someone who has figured out that that is how you get away with things. Just do good deeds! What are they going to do, get mad at you for breaking a rule to help someone? Sometimes, yes. And that's why Steve also got more detention than any other straight A student.]

[Perhaps in time Bucky will learn that Steve isn't quite the perfect boy scout he seems to be, but right now he's taken in completely by the innocent and helpful side to him.]

Your Ma sounds like a good lady.

[He awkwardly tugs at the door with the tips of his fingers, as the rest of his hand and arm are holding the shopping bag. But he refuses to ask for help, and he's not about to stand there pathetically and wait for Steve to open the door for him. He can handle it.]

I guess that put you off cats though, huh?

Nah, it was just scared, still love 'em. Though I think I'm more of a dog person.

[Steve gets the door when Bucky goes for it anyway. Bucky's carrying groceries, so Steve will get the door. When Steve carries groceries, Bucky can get the door.]

have a good night!

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