fossilised | For Steve

Don't get your hopes up too much, you might not think it's a big deal okay - even the other guy didn't, but I do.

[Steve cannot believe he's telling another person about this okay. It shows. He takes a deep breath then exhales heavily.]

Okay, so... this was back in freshmen year of college - late in the year. Same height I am now but almost no muscle - the 'almost' though makes it probably the first time in my life a stiff breeze wouldn't knock me over, though. I got press-ganged into going to a frat party with our buddy Thor - yes his real name - because by that point we knew that if Thor was drinking and didn't have someone around, Thor would probably end up being arrested. Not violent, just very... enthusiastic about everything. And probably even bigger than I am now at the time.

And of course he'd found out that I had never even really held someone's hand in a romantic fashion before that and so he decided that it was his solemn duty to see that "fixed".

[Steve pauses there for emphasis, giving Bucky a look that says that yes it's obvious where this story is going, probably.]

Neither of us are twenty-one, but college party, that doesn't really matter. Especially not for Thor who played like every sport and knew every athlete on campus already and I might have been a nobody but I was a nobody who was with him, so that was where I got beer for the first time too. It was probably the most awkward party I'd ever been to - not the least of which because of Thor trying to set me up with literally anyone with a heartbeat. I didn't manage to get any phone numbers but after like two beers I did manage to get in a fistfight with two football players and a lacrosse player.

... Needless to say I kind of got my ass handed to me and only avoided breaking something because Thor was there.

So we left the party, both pretty wasted and at least slightly bloodied. Thor lived off-campus with his brother who was out that night and he lived closer, so he said I could sleep in his brother's room that night so I didn't have to find my way back to the dorms. That part was actually nice, the walk back. It was dark by then, pretty quiet, we stopped to make idiots of ourselves at a park on the way and Thor split his lip trying to do the monkey bars. When I was helping him clean the blood off his face we kind of... uh .... ended up ... making out.

... And then doing a lot more than making out.

[Just the fact that Steve had said this was a big deal for him, the secrecy, made it a big deal for Bucky. Just because a kiss and a fumble with a friend wouldn't have been anything to comment on back in his college days, it obviously was for Steve, and he respected that.

So he didn't laugh, though he did smile softly.]

Was he okay with you the next day?

[He's a little worried this is where it's going, that his friend would claim drunkenness and have made it a bad experience for Steve.]

Or-- did you really like him? Did it not work out?

Well, seeing as I woke up naked in his bed with him - fuzzy memories or not it was pretty obvious what happened. I guess for a while I'd had a little bit of a crush on him too. He just saw me as a friend but he also didn't see what the big deal about having fun with friends was.

[Steve siiiighed.]

He didn't get why I was so adamant that he not tell anyone about it but he was willing to respect that. We... fooled around here and there a little after that, but I wasn't at a place in my life then where I was ready to be as free and open as he was, so that was that. Felt really awkward meeting his fiance last year though.

So yeah that's also the how I lost my virginity story.

[He's glad that Steve's story doesn't end with the friend being homophobic or a real jerk about it all, or even with proper unrequited love. It's still sort of bittersweet and not the way that a nice guy like Steve should lose his virginity, but it's not the worst thing ever.]

Wow, I bet. At least he's been cool about it, right?

[He scrubs his hand through his hair a little awkwardly.]

Better'n my first time kissing a guy, I was the jerk. I was the jock in school, boxer, always knew I wanted to go into the army, so I thought... I don't know, being gay wasn't manly enough or something? Anyway, I was fourteen and at this house party, and we'd all got kinda drunk too, and I ended up kissing this guy in the bathroom. I still don't remember which one of us initiated it, but I freaked out and called him a fag. Not my proudest moment.

[Maybe he shouldn't tell stories that paint him in such a negative light, but he wants Steve to know the good and the bad.]

I caught up to him about a year later and apologised, he didn't even remember it, too drunk.

[Steve reaches out to hold Bucky's hand if allowed to, just a brief reassuring squeeze before letting him go.]

Hey, no harm no foul then, right? Still sweet that you wanted to make it right.

[He's definitely allowed to, though Bucky raises his eyebrows in surprise.]

Most people call me a jackass when they hear that story, guess you don't play by the rules, huh?

Oh, you were definitely a jackass.

[Steve laughs a little bit, and it's kind of nice to break the tension again.]

But you were also fourteen. Fourteen year old Bucky didn't have the same information the Bucky of today does to know better. No one was truly hurt and you still tried to make it right - that's all that matters. No one's going to look good if they have to answer to things they did in their early teenage years.

Good to know what your stance is on teenage misdemeanours, though it does make me wonder what you're hiding...

[He grins, before finally picking his fork up to dig into more pancakes and bacon.]

So, your question, I think.

[Because Bucky walked right into that one-]

Any actual misdemeanors? Were you a troublemaker?

[Steve seems more entertained by the question, if anything.]

Not really, I was a pretty good kid. Not a saint, I got detention and I was grounded a fair amount, but I never got kicked out of school or got into trouble with the law.

[He had been that rare kid in school who fit in with most people. A jock, but one with good grades, his had been the high school that not many people got to experience.]

I did get into some trouble in boot camp. I had this CO called Samson and, man, she was a ball-buster. A good CO, but strict, and one night after I got yelled at about six times I went and mixed her boot polish with sugar paste. Next day, she was trying to lead drills with bees swarming her legs, it was kinda funny until she figured out it was me and put me on double punishment detail for a month.

[Steve has to laugh at that, shaking his head and taking a drink of his coffee. Little by little it's coming together, the person Bucky was before he stepped into Steve's art class. Before he went away and got as hurt as bad as he did. That person's still there, of course. Steve can see it with the wicked glint on Bucky's eye when he teases.]

No idea what that is but I'm guessing it's as unpleasant as it sounds.

[He snorts, but he doesn't offer any information on what punishment detail is, instead he pushes his plate back and stands up.]

Okay, so now you've got me all fat and bloated, where do you want me so you can do your artist thing? Or was that just a ruse? Get me here and tell me it's for art, y'know, tasteful nude modelling...

Now you don't have to strip down at all- just however you're comfortable.

[Since Bucky is full though, Steve stands and goes about putting away and covering any leftovers if there are any or cleaning the little table.]

Although, uh. Only real place to sit is the bed and you're going to want to be comfortable, so...

[He can't help but laugh at that, if it was intended to be a pick up line then it's cheesy and adorable, but he has a feeling that Steve in sincere which just makes it funnier.]

Okay, you're the boss, just put me wherever you want me.

[He'll let himself be placed and posed, though he won't even take off his jacket. Weirdly, he'd be more comfortable flashing his junk at Steve than he would letting him see the prosthetic.]

[Once everything is cleaned up, Steve leads Bucky out to the main room. He's made his bed with the new sheets, and while unrelated to the date he's got some pictures up now. Photos of all the people in Steve's story, ranging from college to now. Only two from before, really. An old and slightly sun-bleached photo of a man about Steve's age who must be his father, flag behind him, in dress uniform. Another of Steve with his mother when he was about 10, her arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders and a smile on her face.

He wasn't joking about being a skinny kid.

He's got his pencils and paper all set out on his desk already, the window open to let a good amount of natural light in.]

Uh, any way you feel comfortable really, you're going to need to hold the pose for a bit. Just - face the desk if you can, that way the lighting accents your features best. I have music, if you like. It's probably going to be pretty boring, so...

[Bucky takes a moment to look at the two photographs of people loved and lost by Steve. He's lost his own mother, so he knows half of that pain, but it must have been hard to be an orphan so young in life. He stands respectfully at the picture of his father, giving him the due he deserves, and then finally moves to sit on the bed and face the desk as requested.]

Do you mind if I take my boots off?

[Assuming Steve says that's okay, he toes off his boots and sits cross-legged with his hands in his lap.]

Does it have to be music, we can't talk?

[Steve gives a small nod when Bucky asks to take his boots off. He just really wants to get something of Bucky down that isn't drawn from memory alone, to familiarize himself with the shape of Bucky before he can snap out gesture drawings from movement like he did with Natasha anytime she decided to do her yoga or kickboxing practice in the main room.

He hopes someday they'll get to a place where Bucky is comfortable enough with Steve that he'll let Steve hang around for that. He clearly does keep in shape, Steve can tell that even through the layers.]

We can talk, just don't move too much.

[Steve smiles a bit as he glances up at Bucky to say that before he takes a seat at the desk and gets to work, glancing frequently between Bucky and the paper.]

I think it's your turn to ask the next question, if you still want to.

[Bucky settles into a position that looks half comfortable and half as if he's on edge waiting for something to happen. Like it's a learned stillness, an ability to keep position for hours.]

Damn right I want to, you're a fascinating man, Mr. Rogers, I want to know everything.

[He really means that too, goddamn but he's already deep.]

So... why don't you tell me how you got into art? And why you're not off somewhere being a famous artist instead of working for Parks and Rec?

Because in our capitalist society passion doesn't always pay the bills, especially if passion doesn't come with full medical insurance.

[He gives Bucky a wry grin next time he glances up, meeting Bucky's eyes. Prepare for a ramble, Bucky Barnes.]

I actually don't remember when I started drawing. It was just something I always did. May as well have been born with a pencil in my hand - pretty sure that's what ma told people anyway. I was alone a lot and it was something I could do alone, and ma encouraged it. She said dad did too. I don't think either of them actually wanted me to be military in spite of 'family tradition' on both sides.

After ma died I thankfully had medical coverage from being the kid of two military personnel - probably the only reason I'm still alive today. It was touch and go for a little there, though. I had to do my junior and senior year of high school online, basically, I was in the hospital too much and then there was the surgery and recovery from that... so even if I did have the talent to get into an art school I didn't have the time for a scholarship or the money for it. Except one of those "art institutes", and those places are scams anyway.

Making it in art is less about what you more and know about who you know, so. I work the jobs I have to so I can get by, and I do my art in whatever time I have leftover. I don't really mind, I don't have to be famous. Just doing it is what matters.

[Man, Steve's been through some really rough shit, and at a young age too. He can't imagine missing so much of high school to be trapped in a hospital, but he doesn't talk about it as if he's bitter. Everything he hears about Steve just makes him like him more.]

Do you know who those 'who you know' people are? Because if you need your art sneaking onto their desk, I might know a few special forces guys who are really good at infiltration and extraction.

[He's joking. Mostly.]

[Steve's gotta laugh at that. It is what it is, as he's often said about his situation 'it isn't so bad'. Not like he knows any other way, though. But he's got shelter, regular food, a support network, and even if he can't do what he loves fulltime he can do it. More than a lot of people get.

And now he's got Bucky in his life.]

What about you? What made you enlist, if that's an okay subject? You can always answer "I don't wanna talk about that" too, you know.

No, that's okay.

[It's not the most pleasant subject in the world, but neither was Steve's extended hospital stay, so he doesn't mind.]

I decided I wanted to be in the military shortly after Ma died, for my sisters. Our Dad is kind of a deadbeat, not abusive, just-- lazy, selfish. Anyway, I have three sisters and they all were gonna want college education, and I couldn't help with that if I was getting into debt myself. But if I joined the army then I had a place to stay, food to eat, my bills were paid. I could use all my pay for their college costs. Obviously Becca went through college while I was in the service, but both Sarah and Helen have a fund set aside for them when they get old enough.

That's real sweet, lookin' out for your sisters like that.

[He's relieved he didn't stumble onto a subject that had Bucky cringing back and away from him, at least. Steve smiles again next time he looks up from the paper, hand moving the pencil across it as he sketches out Bucky's features and fills them in, the dynamic of light and shadow.

It's nice having an excuse to stare at him.]

Pretty sure it's part of the whole big brother thing, you've gotta look out for your sisters.

[He does love them all though, his family has always been really important to him. Becca has been his best friend since he was little.]

You don't have any, huh? No cousins or anything?

Maybe? I mean, probably, if you go far enough. 'Third cousin twice removed' deals. Both my parents were only children though, and my grandparents passed before I was born on both sides, so I never really connected to whatever extended family was out there.

I had something of a foster dad after mom died since I was underage, one of the doctors she worked with who knew me, but he's also passed. I have a lot of friends now, so I can't complain. Provided you aren't worried about me being a bad luck charm.

[Like with the hospitalization, Steve thinks of it as an 'it is what it is'. Loss is never easy, but he's become very acquainted with the acceptance of it.]

Did you have something else you wanted to be when you were a kid? Like, firefighter, astronaut? Zookeeper?

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