fossilised | For Steve

[Damn it. Bucky can see that Steve is still taking it personally despite him trying to explain, like Steve thinks he's trying to be nice and let him down gently for not being interested.

He doesn't want that. He knows how much it sucks to be rejected, and god knows he doesn't actually want to reject Steve, so he sighs and dives in a bit deeper.]

No, you don't get it.

[He stops in the street so that he can look properly into Steve's eyes, firm and steady.]

I want to say yes and ask you out on a date, but that wouldn't be fair to you. I'm fucked up, Steve-- [Okay, now or never.] --I've got one arm, a hell of a lot of scars, and my brain is scrambled. I'd be a jerk if I let someone get involved.

[Steve stops when Bucky stops, and while he tries hard to project quiet but secure understanding ... his face is too honest. He looks a bit too much like a kicked puppy.

He knows issues like Bucky's aren't uncommon, not at all, but it's still so hard to wrap his head around them looking at Bucky standing there. Sure they've only known each other for like... maybe a full day at this point, but still.

Steve doesn't want to dismiss Bucky's issues, because they clearly are something weighing him down, but...]

You're also funny, kind, and ... really really attractive. I think you've got a lot more to offer than you think.

[Steve is really sweet, but he's also naive. He might think that it would be no problem to date someone like Bucky, but he knew better, he knew differently. When it came time for them to undress and he had to face the mess of what was under his clothes, or when Bucky couldn't go out to dinner again because of the crowds, or when he forgot another date and stood him up because his memory was faulty... well, he might not think that Bucky had a lot to offer then.

But maybe that's Steve's lookout to find out. Why should he deny himself the possibility for a few nice evenings before it all went to shit? He warned Steve, right? And he wanted this, he wanted it so much. Steve's the first person he's been able to talk to like a semi-normal person in a long time, it's like finding a piece of himself in someone else.]

I don't want to hurt you.

[That's the truth of it. His voice is just a bit tired there, like he knows it would happen eventually. But he's not turning down Steve again, he's just scared. He wants it, but he doesn't want to inevitably ruin it.]

[Bucky's holding the bag, and now that Steve has confirmation that the other arm is a prosthetic it isn't like that one's an option to take really, so he just reaches out instead to touch the back of Bucky's hand. Light, barely there, easy to pull away from.

His eyes and voice are so earnest.]

I'm not made of glass. I'm harder to hurt than you think. If you sincerely don't want to, I understand, I promise. But even if it doesn't work out, you'll still have my friendship.

[He's like a goddamn puppy in human form, it's nearly impossible to say no to him. Even when he should, and he really should. This is going to end horribly, Steve is going to get hurt, and there's no way they'll remain friends.

But fuck it, he doesn't want to say no, and maybe he'll get a few weeks of happiness to look back on when he inevitably drives Steve away.]

Ask me out again, Rogers.

[This time he might well say yes.]

[Yeah, he really is. Especially with the way he just looks so hopeful at that.]

... Do you want to make pancakes and have coffee at my place date sometime?

[The thing is, Steve might not have the PTSD that Bucky is dealing with, but he doesn't particularly like crowds or is one for the typical dating scene either.]

[This is such a terrible idea, it's such a bad idea, it's such--]

Yeah, I'd love to.

[He gave Steve a tiny lopsided smile and started walking again.]

So what does that make these pancakes? Pre-date practise?

[Steve's smile lights up like the fourth of July. There's a renewed bounce in his step as he follows along with Bucky back to the apartment. He just feels so... so happy. So light, like he'd just float away on the breeze like a balloon.]

Exactly. You show me how you like them so I can have them perfect for actual date pancakes.

[That's adorable. It's actually kind of nice to know that he put that smile there, it's not something he's done a lot of lately... feels good. His own smile stays at the amused half twist to his lips, but his shoulders do ease a bit. No point worrying more now, he'd just enjoy it while it lasted.]

So should I be taking lessons on your favourite meal to return the favour? Let me guess-- apple pie?

[Just you wait, Mister Barnes. Steve Rogers is notoriously difficult to get rid of once he's got his mind set on something.]

... How'd you know?

[He can't help it, he bursts into surprised laughter. The noise has a slight rasp to it, like it's not a sound he's made very often in a long time, but it's entirely genuine.]

You're just messing with me, it's not really apple pie, is it?

[Nobody is that much of an all-American boy scout.]

[Steve loves that sound and now he's got a goal to hear it again as much as possible.

He's got it so bad.]

It is! Warm, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream if I can get it but the pie all by itself would be great. My mom used to make them whenever she had the time when I was a kid. I have her recipe but I've never tried making it - I think I'm scared I'll mess it up and it won't taste right.

You're killing me here, Steve. It's like you're some kind of comic superhero, I don't know-- Captain America or something. All apple pie and helping old ladies defeat muggers. I bet you're first issue would be saving a cat from a tree.

[Though he's teasing, it's with admiration rather than derision. He had forgotten that people this good existed in the world, it was a soothing reminder to meet one.]

You'll have to show me the recipe, maybe I can help out.

[Steve blushes a little -well ok more than a little at Bucky's words, though he's smiling and laughing too.]

Sure. I unpacked it, I can show you when we're making pancakes.

[A pointed pause, then,]

... I did actually save a cat from a tree once.

[They round a corner and their apartment building is suddenly right there. Bucky feels a knot of tension unravel, one he barely noticed before. It's good to be home, he associates this building with safety.]

You so did not.

[He's calling bullshit on that.]

Cats don't get stuck up trees in real life, no way. What, did the owner kiss you on the cheek and the picture make the front page too, Cap?

[New nickname: acquired.]

This one did! One of the kids on the base just got a new kitten and the thing chased a squirrel up a tree before it realized it didn't know how to get down. The kid was too short to reach the first branch but I just barely could at the time so I climbed up to get the cat. The kitten shredded my arm to ribbons for the trouble though. Mom wasn't happy - she was a nurse - but it wasn't like she could get mad at me for helping someone.

[He's got the slightly sneaky smile that comes from someone who has figured out that that is how you get away with things. Just do good deeds! What are they going to do, get mad at you for breaking a rule to help someone? Sometimes, yes. And that's why Steve also got more detention than any other straight A student.]

[Perhaps in time Bucky will learn that Steve isn't quite the perfect boy scout he seems to be, but right now he's taken in completely by the innocent and helpful side to him.]

Your Ma sounds like a good lady.

[He awkwardly tugs at the door with the tips of his fingers, as the rest of his hand and arm are holding the shopping bag. But he refuses to ask for help, and he's not about to stand there pathetically and wait for Steve to open the door for him. He can handle it.]

I guess that put you off cats though, huh?

Nah, it was just scared, still love 'em. Though I think I'm more of a dog person.

[Steve gets the door when Bucky goes for it anyway. Bucky's carrying groceries, so Steve will get the door. When Steve carries groceries, Bucky can get the door.]

[He glances sidelong for a moment, but there's no hint of pity on Steve's face so he lets it go.]

Lucky you, I'm getting a dog in about a week and I have no idea how to care for one, you can help out. That's what you get for asking me out.

Wow, still on the pre-date period and you're already asking me to co-parent your future dog with you? I'm honored.

[But really Steve does love dogs, so he's thrilled. He resists the urge to ask if it's a service dog - all things considered Bucky's doing great for someone who doesn't have one, and it can only help. Provided Bucky's not allergic or anything.]

What kind of dog? Big dog, little dog, mutt?

[He's taken the leap and told Steve that he's fucked up now, perhaps it's almost a subconscious defence mechanism to hammer it home in the hope of protecting Steve from this whole situation.]

I don't know yet, it's through the VA, some program for assistance dogs.

[Finally reaching Steve's door, he leans against the jamb and waits for it to be opened up.]

They said there's probably a match next week.

[SURPRISE Steve just continues to be more and more endeared. Good luck getting rid of him now, Bucky.

Steve fishes his keys from his pocket and unlocks the front door, stepping in to hold it open so Bucky can come inside.]

That's great! Assistance dogs are huge helps to have around, I'm sure you'll get a good one.

[All dogs are good, of course.]

[Stop being so perfect, Steve! He huffs a tiny almost admiring laugh as he follows Steve into the apartment and puts the bag of ingredients down onto his kitchen counter. The whole place still looks pretty bare, the new and empty look of someone just moving in.]

You're a real punk, did anyone ever tell you that? Doesn't anything phase you?

[Teasing his words might be, but there's a slight hope and warmth in his eyes that says he's grateful for it. For someone giving him some hope he can have this again.]

Sure, plenty phases me.

[The kitchen is right near the entrance, not that much is far away from it with how small the place is. Still, Steve opens the cupboards to grab mixing bowls and a spatula and frying pan and the like. He figures Bucky will tell him if he needs anything different for making them from scratch.]

Just not anything you do. You're not so big and scary.

[He leans on the counter and looks up at Steve, every tall and muscled inch of him. He's pretty sure that nobody looks big and scary to Steve these days, but that's not exactly the point he was making.]

It's Halloween before long, give me a chance to show you my scary side.

[He gestures to the eggs, flour, milk, and salt.]

You ready, cooking padawan? Because if you're making date pancakes, then they've gotta be good.

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