For Steve

[advanced]

[This is a bad idea.

Bucky knows it as soon as he stops outside the little community centre where these classes run and he sees the other students milling about, chatting to each other in their own little cliques. The thing has been running for a while, it's an art group for anyone with any sort of mental health issue - depression, anxiety, psychosis. He's here for PTSD, practically bullied into it by his therapist at the VA, under the instructions that he needs to get out and start socialising more.

There are only six other people, four women and two men, and it already feels like too large a crowd. He makes sure his prosthetic is properly covered by a glove and long sleeve, stuffed into his pocket so nobody can tell it hangs strangely, and slouches in at the back. From the conversations he can overhear, blonde woman and redhead woman have anxiety issues, brunette #1 and the two men all have depression, and brunette #2 has psychosis. They're all so open with each other, chatting about medications and coping techniques and the work they've been doing in class already.

One of them approaches him and asks his name, and what he's there for, but he just glowers at her until she retreats again. He doesn't want anyone to know why he's here, and he's only here so Wilson will stop goddamn riding him about it.

He slumps into the seat nearest the back and waits for the teacher to arrive, already sure this is going to be a waste of time...]

Comments

[andstripes]

[Steve is only counting things he didn't know already or couldn't just guess on his own. So since Bucky's time as a POW is mostly just "Well we know he was taken as one and torture was involved?" and that's absolutely something Steve was guessing happened...]

Okay, okay. I get now why she was so desperate about me lying for her. That does seem a bit hypocritical.

[He still wants to ask more, what happened, what is Bucky so afraid of him finding out but he alternately doesn't want to fuck up their first date already and he doesn't want to ask it when Bucky's still on the edge.

Steve thinks all this walking on eggshells and not knowing where the things to avoid are is probably worse than whatever Bucky is so worried about Steve discovering.]

I think it's your turn?

[advanced]

[There's a moment more where it seems like Bucky might refuse to play any more and retreat into a sulk about his sister, but he's thankfully a bit more mature than that and so he nods after a sigh.]

Sorry, not your fault that she came to see you, we're good. It just pisses me off, ever since I got back she can't stop babying me. It's like she thinks I'm made of glass or something.

[It drives him nuts, because all it does is remind him of everything that's gone wrong. He wants her to treat him like normal, like he's still just Bucky.]

Okay, okay-- uh... Let's go with the magic number?

[andstripes]

[Okay, issues with sister and being worried over will be a lot to unpack, it looks like. Definitely something that will need to be done over time.

Because Steve is also a chronic worrier. He gives a little sigh, looking down to adjust the shading around the collar of Bucky's shirt.]

The magic number?

[He glances back up when he asks that.]

[advanced]

[Bucky breaks his pose properly fr the first time to look over at Steve in surprise, gauging if he's joking or not.]

You haven't ever had the magic number talk before?

[A tiny smile tugs at his lips.]

To put it crudely, it's the amount of guys and girls you've been in a relationship with, or been intimate with.

[andstripes]

Oh. Oh!

Uh.

[Steve is too distracted to even complain about the pose breaking]

... well, theres... I mean how many dates do you have to go on for it to count?

[advanced]

I'm pretty sure that's a judgement call, if you think it counts then it counts.

[How is Steve so adorably naive?]

[andstripes]

[All casual, probably too forced]

... two... uh, you?

[advanced]

[He's kind of surprised both that the number isn't higher, because dear God look at Steve he's a walking wet dream, and surprised that it isn't lower because the poor guy seems so bashful about anything sexual that he'd probably combust at the sight of a dick.]

Seven, but only three of them were relationships, the rest were just a one night stand.

[He used to be a lot more promiscuous before he shipped out, he'd have eaten Steve alive if they'd met then.]

[andstripes]

[Yeah the first was the sort of not a thing kind of a thing he had already told Bucky about, while the second was a single date that didn't go so well.

It isn't that Steve doesn't get flirted with, but the formative years being spent where being flirted with was a cruel prank has him a little on the defensive about it.]

Is it okay to ask why they didn't work out?

[advanced]

Uh, sure?

[None of them were particularly traumatic, though at the time they had felt like it sometimes, so he doesn't mind sharing. He does, at least, settle back into the original pose he took on so that Steve can keep doing what he's doing.]

The first one was with this guy in high school, it wasn't anything big or spectacular, we were just two guys figuring out we were gay. It lasted a few months, he was my date for prom, and then he went off to college and I enlisted, that's about it. Then I dated this guy on my first tour of duty, Tim, mostly because we were lonely and horny, and coping with being overseas for the first time. That ended because I found out that he had a wife back home. And then there was this guy I started seeing about a month or so after I got out of the hospital, he was kind of a jerk, so it didn't end too well.

How about your two, Steve? Can I ask?

[andstripes]

[Steve picks up the pencil once more and gets back to work!]

Well, there was my friend from college that I told you about, and this other guy later - we only went on one date, he spent the whole time talking about his ex or cutting other people down so... yeah, it didn't really work out.

[advanced]

Wow, he sounds like a real winner.

[Who even thought that was a good strategy for a first date? Moron couldn't see what he had in front of him.]

...But it's okay, I think I've figured out what your problem has been with romance. [He nods seriously.] Boxed pancake mix.

[andstripes]

That's it, absolutely.

[Steve laughs and shakes his head before he takes another deep breath and asks,]

So... you think I've got staying power now that I know how to make them right?

[advanced]

[Bucky raises an eyebrow, that's a suggestive sort of question for a first date, but he nods all the same.]

You've definitely got promise, Rogers, I'll give you that.

[andstripes]

[WOW HE MEANT TO GET A SECOND DATE. MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, BARNES...]

I'll take 'promise'.

Here, want to take a look at what I've got? [He means the drawing, you.]

[advanced]

Definitely.

[He perks up and leans forwards, all anticipation to see the picture that's been produced. He thinks it'll be good, Steve's other drawings were amazing, but this one is of him.]

[andstripes]

[Steve turns the sketchpad to show Bucky what he's got.

It's Bucky alright, but if he wasn't certain about how handsome Steve drew him before it's even moreso now that he's had a chance to study those soulful eyes, the way his hair falls just so, the particular quirk of his lips when he smiles, the broad shoulders with a strength visible even under his clothing.]

What do you think?

[Steve's good, he knows he's good, but it's always a little nerve-wracking to share art with the model. It was one of the reasons he loved drawing Natasha so much - they'd been over that awkwardness long ago.]

[advanced]

[He's been looking forward to seeing this. He saw the sketch before, the one from memory, but this is different because it's a live portrait. He's not sure what he's expecting but it's not this-- he looks gorgeous, those pencil lines have etched out a man that's way better looking than he is, but still recognisably him.

It doesn't happen often, but Bucky finds that he's blushing. He can feel the heat in his cheeks. God, how embarrassing.]

Wow.

[Seriously.]

I can't decide if you're sweet or a cheesy flatterer.

[andstripes]

[Is Bucky - is Bucky actually blushing? Steve is pretty sure he never made anyone blush before in his life. It sends a thrilling surge of accomplishment through him, the satisfaction of doing something Good.

Because if it's helping Bucky see how damn attractive he counts it as doing Good.]

Is it really flattery if it's the truth?

[advanced]

[He can't help but look for any guile in Steve's expression but there isn't any there. It's sort of amazing to contemplate the possibility that this gorgeous, sweet, nice guy actually sees him like that.]

Then-- uh, can I just say... never get your eyes tested, I like what you see right now, even if it's not rooted in reality.

[andstripes]

I guess I'll just have to keep drawing you until you realize it is.

[He's pleased, and it shows.]

Give me a second, I'm going to get the fixative on this so it doesn't smear. Thank you for modeling for me by the way.

[Fixative in this case being opening a window and spraying the image with hairspray - it works basically as good as real graphite fixative except you can buy it at the dollar store.]

[advanced]

[Bucky knows next to nothing about art and he hadn't even realised that pencil drawings needed to be sealed, so he watches what Steve's doing with interest and some mild bemusement.]

Any time.

[It's warm and genuine.]

I had a lot of fun, I hope we can have a lot of fun for a while. You're-- you're a good guy, Steve.

[andstripes]

I try. I'm very trying.

[He adds a wry quirk of a smile to that so Bucky knows it's a joke and not him being genuinely down on himself.

Okay, well, it's also the truth, he can be very trying, but when he is it's about something he's passionate about so he feels approximately zero guilt in regards to it.]

You want another cup of coffee, juice, uh... go for a walk or are you alright with being my model for longer...? I'm realizing the downside about hangout dates is at least after a movie or dinner at a restaurant you have some idea of how long it's going to go, and I guess I can't just talk you into staying indefinitely. Your girl doesn't have her food here if nothing else.

[advanced]

[He loves that Steve has a sharp sense of humour beneath the good boy on the outside, it makes him more interesting and more easy to relate to. God help him for how fast he's falling for this guy.]

Uh-- I guess I should walk her, huh?

[He thinks this is one of the downsides to a service dog. He has a lot of trouble going outside, it fucks his brain up, so they give him a dog that needs daily walking. Sure. Sounds sensible.

Idiots.]

We could go to the park?

[They don't end up at the park that day, a sudden downpour of rain cuts the first date short pretty abruptly and sends them both home for dry clothes. But that doesn't put a dampener on a second date-- or a third, or a fourth, or...

Somehow, three months go by and things haven't imploded, and Bucky has fallen deeper and deeper in love with Steve. It's a dangerous thing, he shouldn't be this head over heels this fast, but he is. He's careful not to let Steve see any of the bad days, he wants so desperately to be a good and normal boyfriend for him.

But that also means they haven't had sex yet.

Bucky's self conscious, still refusing to be without his prosthetic and show Steve his scarred up body; and Steve has the awkward embarrassment of not being that practised at initiating these things. It's left them both with problems more than once, that no amount of cold showers seem to get rid of.

They're getting nearer, getting more serious, and Natasha has finally talked Steve into replacing his crappy twin bed and putting in a full size Queen. It's Halloween and they're all meant to be going to a party at Nat and Clint's, full fancy dress, and she's told Steve that this is the perfect time to invite Bucky to stop over.

It's seven thirty.

Bucky was meant to come by and knock for Steve a half hour ago, but there's no sign of him yet.]

[andstripes]

[Steve had worried a little bit, admittedly. Worried that being so smitten so fast would mean this was just infatuation, that it would fade just as quickly, but if anything time has made the bond stronger.

Every chance to see Bucky makes a day a good one. He's trying to show Bucky that he won't run from the bad days, too - it's a careful balance of being respectful of Bucky's needs but also trying to show him that Steve wasn't lying when he said he knew what he was getting into and wasn't afraid.

Back in college he'd read a book about Buddhism for a class and a saying from it stuck with him. Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be like this, you will be near to the way. Back in college it had been just another part of another test, but it kept coming to mind more and more with Bucky. To remind himself to just be there.

Steve's own awkwardness and and shyness regarding physical aspects of a relationship had kept him from pushing too much as well. In truth the celibacy was familiar if nothing else and a comfort in that aspect, but after three months with a man whom Steve had been physically attracted to at the start with nothing more than some very intense kissing...

Was three months normal to wait? Was he being needy wanting more after three months? Had he become a slut? (Followed instantly by berating himself because there was nothing wrong with people who valued sexual intimacy)

So, sure. Bigger bed. He argued that it was easier to find space since he was a bigger guy now, not that Natasha's insistence of needing room for a partner was a contributing factor.

So there he was, sitting on the bed, waiting for Bucky. Trying not to worry. He wondered if he should text, call, or just go up. Would that be crossing a line? What if something had happened? What if he wasn't even home? He probably wasn't even home.

Getting up, Steve decided that he would go knock and if he got no answer he'd try calling. It wasn't being needy if you had genuine worry that something had happened, right?

At least that's what he kept telling himself.

Grabbing his keys, wallet, and phone, he headed up to Bucky's apartment and knocked, not allowing himself more time to second guess.

Maybe this was a blow off. Maybe Bucky was done.

Maybe something happened.]