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Bucky Barnes ([personal profile] advanced) wrote in [community profile] fossilised2017-04-26 04:19 pm

For Steve

[This is a bad idea.

Bucky knows it as soon as he stops outside the little community centre where these classes run and he sees the other students milling about, chatting to each other in their own little cliques. The thing has been running for a while, it's an art group for anyone with any sort of mental health issue - depression, anxiety, psychosis. He's here for PTSD, practically bullied into it by his therapist at the VA, under the instructions that he needs to get out and start socialising more.

There are only six other people, four women and two men, and it already feels like too large a crowd. He makes sure his prosthetic is properly covered by a glove and long sleeve, stuffed into his pocket so nobody can tell it hangs strangely, and slouches in at the back. From the conversations he can overhear, blonde woman and redhead woman have anxiety issues, brunette #1 and the two men all have depression, and brunette #2 has psychosis. They're all so open with each other, chatting about medications and coping techniques and the work they've been doing in class already.

One of them approaches him and asks his name, and what he's there for, but he just glowers at her until she retreats again. He doesn't want anyone to know why he's here, and he's only here so Wilson will stop goddamn riding him about it.

He slumps into the seat nearest the back and waits for the teacher to arrive, already sure this is going to be a waste of time...]
andstripes: (you sit there in your heartache)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-10 06:59 pm (UTC)(link)
[Steve is only counting things he didn't know already or couldn't just guess on his own. So since Bucky's time as a POW is mostly just "Well we know he was taken as one and torture was involved?" and that's absolutely something Steve was guessing happened...]

Okay, okay. I get now why she was so desperate about me lying for her. That does seem a bit hypocritical.

[He still wants to ask more, what happened, what is Bucky so afraid of him finding out but he alternately doesn't want to fuck up their first date already and he doesn't want to ask it when Bucky's still on the edge.

Steve thinks all this walking on eggshells and not knowing where the things to avoid are is probably worse than whatever Bucky is so worried about Steve discovering.]


I think it's your turn?
andstripes: (Taking notes)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-12 11:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[Okay, issues with sister and being worried over will be a lot to unpack, it looks like. Definitely something that will need to be done over time.

Because Steve is also a chronic worrier. He gives a little sigh, looking down to adjust the shading around the collar of Bucky's shirt.]


The magic number?

[He glances back up when he asks that.]
andstripes: (That's worrying)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-13 07:56 am (UTC)(link)
Oh. Oh!

Uh.

[Steve is too distracted to even complain about the pose breaking]

... well, theres... I mean how many dates do you have to go on for it to count?
andstripes: (That's worrying)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-13 08:11 am (UTC)(link)
[All casual, probably too forced]

... two... uh, you?
andstripes: (you sit there in your heartache)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-13 08:28 am (UTC)(link)
[Yeah the first was the sort of not a thing kind of a thing he had already told Bucky about, while the second was a single date that didn't go so well.

It isn't that Steve doesn't get flirted with, but the formative years being spent where being flirted with was a cruel prank has him a little on the defensive about it.]


Is it okay to ask why they didn't work out?
andstripes: (That's worrying)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-13 08:49 am (UTC)(link)
[Steve picks up the pencil once more and gets back to work!]

Well, there was my friend from college that I told you about, and this other guy later - we only went on one date, he spent the whole time talking about his ex or cutting other people down so... yeah, it didn't really work out.
andstripes: (Totally not pulling your leg rly)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-13 02:53 pm (UTC)(link)
That's it, absolutely.

[Steve laughs and shakes his head before he takes another deep breath and asks,]

So... you think I've got staying power now that I know how to make them right?
andstripes: (Taking notes)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-17 04:11 pm (UTC)(link)
[WOW HE MEANT TO GET A SECOND DATE. MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, BARNES...]

I'll take 'promise'.

Here, want to take a look at what I've got? [He means the drawing, you.]
andstripes: (Taking notes)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-18 11:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[Steve turns the sketchpad to show Bucky what he's got.

It's Bucky alright, but if he wasn't certain about how handsome Steve drew him before it's even moreso now that he's had a chance to study those soulful eyes, the way his hair falls just so, the particular quirk of his lips when he smiles, the broad shoulders with a strength visible even under his clothing.]


What do you think?

[Steve's good, he knows he's good, but it's always a little nerve-wracking to share art with the model. It was one of the reasons he loved drawing Natasha so much - they'd been over that awkwardness long ago.]
andstripes: (Just a city boooy)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-19 10:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[Is Bucky - is Bucky actually blushing? Steve is pretty sure he never made anyone blush before in his life. It sends a thrilling surge of accomplishment through him, the satisfaction of doing something Good.

Because if it's helping Bucky see how damn attractive he counts it as doing Good.]


Is it really flattery if it's the truth?
andstripes: (Totally not pulling your leg rly)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-19 10:55 pm (UTC)(link)
I guess I'll just have to keep drawing you until you realize it is.

[He's pleased, and it shows.]

Give me a second, I'm going to get the fixative on this so it doesn't smear. Thank you for modeling for me by the way.

[Fixative in this case being opening a window and spraying the image with hairspray - it works basically as good as real graphite fixative except you can buy it at the dollar store.]
andstripes: (Totally not pulling your leg rly)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-20 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
I try. I'm very trying.

[He adds a wry quirk of a smile to that so Bucky knows it's a joke and not him being genuinely down on himself.

Okay, well, it's also the truth, he can be very trying, but when he is it's about something he's passionate about so he feels approximately zero guilt in regards to it.]


You want another cup of coffee, juice, uh... go for a walk or are you alright with being my model for longer...? I'm realizing the downside about hangout dates is at least after a movie or dinner at a restaurant you have some idea of how long it's going to go, and I guess I can't just talk you into staying indefinitely. Your girl doesn't have her food here if nothing else.
andstripes: (you sit there in your heartache)

[personal profile] andstripes 2017-07-26 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
[Steve had worried a little bit, admittedly. Worried that being so smitten so fast would mean this was just infatuation, that it would fade just as quickly, but if anything time has made the bond stronger.

Every chance to see Bucky makes a day a good one. He's trying to show Bucky that he won't run from the bad days, too - it's a careful balance of being respectful of Bucky's needs but also trying to show him that Steve wasn't lying when he said he knew what he was getting into and wasn't afraid.

Back in college he'd read a book about Buddhism for a class and a saying from it stuck with him. Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be like this, you will be near to the way. Back in college it had been just another part of another test, but it kept coming to mind more and more with Bucky. To remind himself to just be there.

Steve's own awkwardness and and shyness regarding physical aspects of a relationship had kept him from pushing too much as well. In truth the celibacy was familiar if nothing else and a comfort in that aspect, but after three months with a man whom Steve had been physically attracted to at the start with nothing more than some very intense kissing...

Was three months normal to wait? Was he being needy wanting more after three months? Had he become a slut? (Followed instantly by berating himself because there was nothing wrong with people who valued sexual intimacy)

So, sure. Bigger bed. He argued that it was easier to find space since he was a bigger guy now, not that Natasha's insistence of needing room for a partner was a contributing factor.

So there he was, sitting on the bed, waiting for Bucky. Trying not to worry. He wondered if he should text, call, or just go up. Would that be crossing a line? What if something had happened? What if he wasn't even home? He probably wasn't even home.

Getting up, Steve decided that he would go knock and if he got no answer he'd try calling. It wasn't being needy if you had genuine worry that something had happened, right?

At least that's what he kept telling himself.

Grabbing his keys, wallet, and phone, he headed up to Bucky's apartment and knocked, not allowing himself more time to second guess.

Maybe this was a blow off. Maybe Bucky was done.

Maybe something happened.]

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Dude I did not even notice.

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Life happens, no worries!

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