fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

[This is a bad idea.

Bucky knows it as soon as he stops outside the little community centre where these classes run and he sees the other students milling about, chatting to each other in their own little cliques. The thing has been running for a while, it's an art group for anyone with any sort of mental health issue - depression, anxiety, psychosis. He's here for PTSD, practically bullied into it by his therapist at the VA, under the instructions that he needs to get out and start socialising more.

There are only six other people, four women and two men, and it already feels like too large a crowd. He makes sure his prosthetic is properly covered by a glove and long sleeve, stuffed into his pocket so nobody can tell it hangs strangely, and slouches in at the back. From the conversations he can overhear, blonde woman and redhead woman have anxiety issues, brunette #1 and the two men all have depression, and brunette #2 has psychosis. They're all so open with each other, chatting about medications and coping techniques and the work they've been doing in class already.

One of them approaches him and asks his name, and what he's there for, but he just glowers at her until she retreats again. He doesn't want anyone to know why he's here, and he's only here so Wilson will stop goddamn riding him about it.

He slumps into the seat nearest the back and waits for the teacher to arrive, already sure this is going to be a waste of time...]

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No, that's okay.

[It's not the most pleasant subject in the world, but neither was Steve's extended hospital stay, so he doesn't mind.]

I decided I wanted to be in the military shortly after Ma died, for my sisters. Our Dad is kind of a deadbeat, not abusive, just-- lazy, selfish. Anyway, I have three sisters and they all were gonna want college education, and I couldn't help with that if I was getting into debt myself. But if I joined the army then I had a place to stay, food to eat, my bills were paid. I could use all my pay for their college costs. Obviously Becca went through college while I was in the service, but both Sarah and Helen have a fund set aside for them when they get old enough.

That's real sweet, lookin' out for your sisters like that.

[He's relieved he didn't stumble onto a subject that had Bucky cringing back and away from him, at least. Steve smiles again next time he looks up from the paper, hand moving the pencil across it as he sketches out Bucky's features and fills them in, the dynamic of light and shadow.

It's nice having an excuse to stare at him.]

Pretty sure it's part of the whole big brother thing, you've gotta look out for your sisters.

[He does love them all though, his family has always been really important to him. Becca has been his best friend since he was little.]

You don't have any, huh? No cousins or anything?

Maybe? I mean, probably, if you go far enough. 'Third cousin twice removed' deals. Both my parents were only children though, and my grandparents passed before I was born on both sides, so I never really connected to whatever extended family was out there.

I had something of a foster dad after mom died since I was underage, one of the doctors she worked with who knew me, but he's also passed. I have a lot of friends now, so I can't complain. Provided you aren't worried about me being a bad luck charm.

[Like with the hospitalization, Steve thinks of it as an 'it is what it is'. Loss is never easy, but he's become very acquainted with the acceptance of it.]

Did you have something else you wanted to be when you were a kid? Like, firefighter, astronaut? Zookeeper?

[Bucky's heart ached a little. Family is so important to him that to think of Steve alone in the world, with just his friends for support, makes him want to find someone and knock their teeth in for the injustice of it.

Not that he shows this, it's not his place and Steve has obviously made his peace with it, so he just shrugs and focuses on the next question.]

Oh sure, I wanted to be a boxer. I took classes since I was about four, I was middle-weight champion in the tri-state area in high school.

[It's like the song goes. 'I'm in the habit of being alone, I try hard to break it but I can't on my own'. Even then, if it wasn't for Tony being so obnoxious about dragging them all together, Steve probably would just have his penpal in the UK for his only friend.

He's got a lot of acquaintances, he's a friendly guy, but he finds it hard to connect on a deep level. Mostly he blames himself and his lack of trying hard enough.

He does smile again at the idea of Bucky as a boxer.]

Yeah? I can see that - you being a boxer. Not surprised you were good at it.

[And, you know, the imagining him in the outfit is pretty nice, too. The strong lines of his shoulders are clear even under the layers of clothes he wears, and seeing as Steve is making a point to study them to commit them to paper it's hard to not imagining what they might look like.]

[At least Bucky can comfort himself with the fact that Steve does have good friends looking out for him, if the beautiful redhead was anything to go by. It's not like he has the biggest circle of friends going on himself.]

You should be glad I didn't get into it, they'd have messed up my pretty face.

[He grins, a lopsided sort of grin, and resists the urge to move and flex his muscles teasingly.]

So, uh-- sorry about the other day when you met Becca, she's not usually so grumpy.

[Steve's not so sure boxing would have messed up Bucky's pretty face - well, more that Steve sure that Bucky could have a nose broken in three places and he'd find a way to work it.

Aaaaand then right, Becca. Steve had been unsure of how to broach the subject, but this looks like a perfect opportunity.]

Oh, no, it's fine. Uh, I do have a bit of a confession though and ... you can't be mad, okay, please. Um. I had already met her earlier that day when she came by my work.

[Bucky's expression shutters pretty impressively, becoming a completely neutral expression with an equally neutral voice that doesn't betray what he's really feeling at all.]

Why would she come by your work?

To make sure I wasn't a scumbag who wasn't worth her brother's time of day.

[Hopeful smile?]

We got bagels. She also asked me not to tell you but I didn't want our relationship to start off on me hiding anything from you. That doesn't seem like a good precedent to start with even if it's something small? I thought her visit was really sweet, actually - as someone who doesn't have any siblings anyway.

[He doesn't think it's sweet, not even a little, and he's getting increasingly more pissed at his meddling sister. Why can't she trust him to look after his own damn life? Ever since he got back it feels like she's babied him.]

And what did she tell you?

[Because he's very closely guarded with his past and his secrets, and it'll taint this easy thing he has with Steve if he knows.]

[Steve is trying to understand.

He can get, he supposes, if someone violated your privacy. He was angry and hurt at Natasha after all for that, even if it was for the best. He also hasn't exactly gone on many (any) dates to give Natasha a chance to do that for him.]

That you're a good brother, that you looked out for her, that she'll find a way to hurt me if I hurt you and that would be a tragedy to mess up my 'pretty face', that you don't have any allergies but you hate seafood and you used to like to dance. Are these state secrets I shouldn't know?

[He can understand being upset, but he can also understand Becca being worried, even without knowing Bucky's romantic history. Caring about someone means it doesn't matter if you've got no reason to worry.]

... You've never done that for any of their boyfriends? Girlfriends?

[His neutral expression eases a little when Steve doesn't mention anything about being taken prisoner overseas, these are things he doesn't like people to know and he would have been really mad if Becca had told about that. But it seems like she really did just do the shovel talk without actually mentioning anything too bad, so maybe... maybe he's overreacting a bit.]

Once, but never again.

[He raises an eyebrow, prepared to out Becca for her hypocrisy.]

I started to question her prom date and she yelled at me for half an hour about the autonomy of choice, respecting her right to make her own decisions, and trusting her to be a good judge of character for herself. Never did it again.

[Steve is only counting things he didn't know already or couldn't just guess on his own. So since Bucky's time as a POW is mostly just "Well we know he was taken as one and torture was involved?" and that's absolutely something Steve was guessing happened...]

Okay, okay. I get now why she was so desperate about me lying for her. That does seem a bit hypocritical.

[He still wants to ask more, what happened, what is Bucky so afraid of him finding out but he alternately doesn't want to fuck up their first date already and he doesn't want to ask it when Bucky's still on the edge.

Steve thinks all this walking on eggshells and not knowing where the things to avoid are is probably worse than whatever Bucky is so worried about Steve discovering.]

I think it's your turn?

[There's a moment more where it seems like Bucky might refuse to play any more and retreat into a sulk about his sister, but he's thankfully a bit more mature than that and so he nods after a sigh.]

Sorry, not your fault that she came to see you, we're good. It just pisses me off, ever since I got back she can't stop babying me. It's like she thinks I'm made of glass or something.

[It drives him nuts, because all it does is remind him of everything that's gone wrong. He wants her to treat him like normal, like he's still just Bucky.]

Okay, okay-- uh... Let's go with the magic number?

[Okay, issues with sister and being worried over will be a lot to unpack, it looks like. Definitely something that will need to be done over time.

Because Steve is also a chronic worrier. He gives a little sigh, looking down to adjust the shading around the collar of Bucky's shirt.]

The magic number?

[He glances back up when he asks that.]

[Bucky breaks his pose properly fr the first time to look over at Steve in surprise, gauging if he's joking or not.]

You haven't ever had the magic number talk before?

[A tiny smile tugs at his lips.]

To put it crudely, it's the amount of guys and girls you've been in a relationship with, or been intimate with.

Oh. Oh!

Uh.

[Steve is too distracted to even complain about the pose breaking]

... well, theres... I mean how many dates do you have to go on for it to count?

I'm pretty sure that's a judgement call, if you think it counts then it counts.

[How is Steve so adorably naive?]

[All casual, probably too forced]

... two... uh, you?

[He's kind of surprised both that the number isn't higher, because dear God look at Steve he's a walking wet dream, and surprised that it isn't lower because the poor guy seems so bashful about anything sexual that he'd probably combust at the sight of a dick.]

Seven, but only three of them were relationships, the rest were just a one night stand.

[He used to be a lot more promiscuous before he shipped out, he'd have eaten Steve alive if they'd met then.]

[Yeah the first was the sort of not a thing kind of a thing he had already told Bucky about, while the second was a single date that didn't go so well.

It isn't that Steve doesn't get flirted with, but the formative years being spent where being flirted with was a cruel prank has him a little on the defensive about it.]

Is it okay to ask why they didn't work out?

Uh, sure?

[None of them were particularly traumatic, though at the time they had felt like it sometimes, so he doesn't mind sharing. He does, at least, settle back into the original pose he took on so that Steve can keep doing what he's doing.]

The first one was with this guy in high school, it wasn't anything big or spectacular, we were just two guys figuring out we were gay. It lasted a few months, he was my date for prom, and then he went off to college and I enlisted, that's about it. Then I dated this guy on my first tour of duty, Tim, mostly because we were lonely and horny, and coping with being overseas for the first time. That ended because I found out that he had a wife back home. And then there was this guy I started seeing about a month or so after I got out of the hospital, he was kind of a jerk, so it didn't end too well.

How about your two, Steve? Can I ask?

[Steve picks up the pencil once more and gets back to work!]

Well, there was my friend from college that I told you about, and this other guy later - we only went on one date, he spent the whole time talking about his ex or cutting other people down so... yeah, it didn't really work out.

Wow, he sounds like a real winner.

[Who even thought that was a good strategy for a first date? Moron couldn't see what he had in front of him.]

...But it's okay, I think I've figured out what your problem has been with romance. [He nods seriously.] Boxed pancake mix.

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