fossilised | For Steve

Because in our capitalist society passion doesn't always pay the bills, especially if passion doesn't come with full medical insurance.

[He gives Bucky a wry grin next time he glances up, meeting Bucky's eyes. Prepare for a ramble, Bucky Barnes.]

I actually don't remember when I started drawing. It was just something I always did. May as well have been born with a pencil in my hand - pretty sure that's what ma told people anyway. I was alone a lot and it was something I could do alone, and ma encouraged it. She said dad did too. I don't think either of them actually wanted me to be military in spite of 'family tradition' on both sides.

After ma died I thankfully had medical coverage from being the kid of two military personnel - probably the only reason I'm still alive today. It was touch and go for a little there, though. I had to do my junior and senior year of high school online, basically, I was in the hospital too much and then there was the surgery and recovery from that... so even if I did have the talent to get into an art school I didn't have the time for a scholarship or the money for it. Except one of those "art institutes", and those places are scams anyway.

Making it in art is less about what you more and know about who you know, so. I work the jobs I have to so I can get by, and I do my art in whatever time I have leftover. I don't really mind, I don't have to be famous. Just doing it is what matters.

[Man, Steve's been through some really rough shit, and at a young age too. He can't imagine missing so much of high school to be trapped in a hospital, but he doesn't talk about it as if he's bitter. Everything he hears about Steve just makes him like him more.]

Do you know who those 'who you know' people are? Because if you need your art sneaking onto their desk, I might know a few special forces guys who are really good at infiltration and extraction.

[He's joking. Mostly.]

[Steve's gotta laugh at that. It is what it is, as he's often said about his situation 'it isn't so bad'. Not like he knows any other way, though. But he's got shelter, regular food, a support network, and even if he can't do what he loves fulltime he can do it. More than a lot of people get.

And now he's got Bucky in his life.]

What about you? What made you enlist, if that's an okay subject? You can always answer "I don't wanna talk about that" too, you know.

No, that's okay.

[It's not the most pleasant subject in the world, but neither was Steve's extended hospital stay, so he doesn't mind.]

I decided I wanted to be in the military shortly after Ma died, for my sisters. Our Dad is kind of a deadbeat, not abusive, just-- lazy, selfish. Anyway, I have three sisters and they all were gonna want college education, and I couldn't help with that if I was getting into debt myself. But if I joined the army then I had a place to stay, food to eat, my bills were paid. I could use all my pay for their college costs. Obviously Becca went through college while I was in the service, but both Sarah and Helen have a fund set aside for them when they get old enough.

That's real sweet, lookin' out for your sisters like that.

[He's relieved he didn't stumble onto a subject that had Bucky cringing back and away from him, at least. Steve smiles again next time he looks up from the paper, hand moving the pencil across it as he sketches out Bucky's features and fills them in, the dynamic of light and shadow.

It's nice having an excuse to stare at him.]

Pretty sure it's part of the whole big brother thing, you've gotta look out for your sisters.

[He does love them all though, his family has always been really important to him. Becca has been his best friend since he was little.]

You don't have any, huh? No cousins or anything?

Maybe? I mean, probably, if you go far enough. 'Third cousin twice removed' deals. Both my parents were only children though, and my grandparents passed before I was born on both sides, so I never really connected to whatever extended family was out there.

I had something of a foster dad after mom died since I was underage, one of the doctors she worked with who knew me, but he's also passed. I have a lot of friends now, so I can't complain. Provided you aren't worried about me being a bad luck charm.

[Like with the hospitalization, Steve thinks of it as an 'it is what it is'. Loss is never easy, but he's become very acquainted with the acceptance of it.]

Did you have something else you wanted to be when you were a kid? Like, firefighter, astronaut? Zookeeper?

[Bucky's heart ached a little. Family is so important to him that to think of Steve alone in the world, with just his friends for support, makes him want to find someone and knock their teeth in for the injustice of it.

Not that he shows this, it's not his place and Steve has obviously made his peace with it, so he just shrugs and focuses on the next question.]

Oh sure, I wanted to be a boxer. I took classes since I was about four, I was middle-weight champion in the tri-state area in high school.

[It's like the song goes. 'I'm in the habit of being alone, I try hard to break it but I can't on my own'. Even then, if it wasn't for Tony being so obnoxious about dragging them all together, Steve probably would just have his penpal in the UK for his only friend.

He's got a lot of acquaintances, he's a friendly guy, but he finds it hard to connect on a deep level. Mostly he blames himself and his lack of trying hard enough.

He does smile again at the idea of Bucky as a boxer.]

Yeah? I can see that - you being a boxer. Not surprised you were good at it.

[And, you know, the imagining him in the outfit is pretty nice, too. The strong lines of his shoulders are clear even under the layers of clothes he wears, and seeing as Steve is making a point to study them to commit them to paper it's hard to not imagining what they might look like.]

[At least Bucky can comfort himself with the fact that Steve does have good friends looking out for him, if the beautiful redhead was anything to go by. It's not like he has the biggest circle of friends going on himself.]

You should be glad I didn't get into it, they'd have messed up my pretty face.

[He grins, a lopsided sort of grin, and resists the urge to move and flex his muscles teasingly.]

So, uh-- sorry about the other day when you met Becca, she's not usually so grumpy.

[Steve's not so sure boxing would have messed up Bucky's pretty face - well, more that Steve sure that Bucky could have a nose broken in three places and he'd find a way to work it.

Aaaaand then right, Becca. Steve had been unsure of how to broach the subject, but this looks like a perfect opportunity.]

Oh, no, it's fine. Uh, I do have a bit of a confession though and ... you can't be mad, okay, please. Um. I had already met her earlier that day when she came by my work.

[Bucky's expression shutters pretty impressively, becoming a completely neutral expression with an equally neutral voice that doesn't betray what he's really feeling at all.]

Why would she come by your work?

To make sure I wasn't a scumbag who wasn't worth her brother's time of day.

[Hopeful smile?]

We got bagels. She also asked me not to tell you but I didn't want our relationship to start off on me hiding anything from you. That doesn't seem like a good precedent to start with even if it's something small? I thought her visit was really sweet, actually - as someone who doesn't have any siblings anyway.

[He doesn't think it's sweet, not even a little, and he's getting increasingly more pissed at his meddling sister. Why can't she trust him to look after his own damn life? Ever since he got back it feels like she's babied him.]

And what did she tell you?

[Because he's very closely guarded with his past and his secrets, and it'll taint this easy thing he has with Steve if he knows.]

[Steve is trying to understand.

He can get, he supposes, if someone violated your privacy. He was angry and hurt at Natasha after all for that, even if it was for the best. He also hasn't exactly gone on many (any) dates to give Natasha a chance to do that for him.]

That you're a good brother, that you looked out for her, that she'll find a way to hurt me if I hurt you and that would be a tragedy to mess up my 'pretty face', that you don't have any allergies but you hate seafood and you used to like to dance. Are these state secrets I shouldn't know?

[He can understand being upset, but he can also understand Becca being worried, even without knowing Bucky's romantic history. Caring about someone means it doesn't matter if you've got no reason to worry.]

... You've never done that for any of their boyfriends? Girlfriends?

[His neutral expression eases a little when Steve doesn't mention anything about being taken prisoner overseas, these are things he doesn't like people to know and he would have been really mad if Becca had told about that. But it seems like she really did just do the shovel talk without actually mentioning anything too bad, so maybe... maybe he's overreacting a bit.]

Once, but never again.

[He raises an eyebrow, prepared to out Becca for her hypocrisy.]

I started to question her prom date and she yelled at me for half an hour about the autonomy of choice, respecting her right to make her own decisions, and trusting her to be a good judge of character for herself. Never did it again.

[Steve is only counting things he didn't know already or couldn't just guess on his own. So since Bucky's time as a POW is mostly just "Well we know he was taken as one and torture was involved?" and that's absolutely something Steve was guessing happened...]

Okay, okay. I get now why she was so desperate about me lying for her. That does seem a bit hypocritical.

[He still wants to ask more, what happened, what is Bucky so afraid of him finding out but he alternately doesn't want to fuck up their first date already and he doesn't want to ask it when Bucky's still on the edge.

Steve thinks all this walking on eggshells and not knowing where the things to avoid are is probably worse than whatever Bucky is so worried about Steve discovering.]

I think it's your turn?

[There's a moment more where it seems like Bucky might refuse to play any more and retreat into a sulk about his sister, but he's thankfully a bit more mature than that and so he nods after a sigh.]

Sorry, not your fault that she came to see you, we're good. It just pisses me off, ever since I got back she can't stop babying me. It's like she thinks I'm made of glass or something.

[It drives him nuts, because all it does is remind him of everything that's gone wrong. He wants her to treat him like normal, like he's still just Bucky.]

Okay, okay-- uh... Let's go with the magic number?

[Okay, issues with sister and being worried over will be a lot to unpack, it looks like. Definitely something that will need to be done over time.

Because Steve is also a chronic worrier. He gives a little sigh, looking down to adjust the shading around the collar of Bucky's shirt.]

The magic number?

[He glances back up when he asks that.]

[Bucky breaks his pose properly fr the first time to look over at Steve in surprise, gauging if he's joking or not.]

You haven't ever had the magic number talk before?

[A tiny smile tugs at his lips.]

To put it crudely, it's the amount of guys and girls you've been in a relationship with, or been intimate with.

Oh. Oh!

Uh.

[Steve is too distracted to even complain about the pose breaking]

... well, theres... I mean how many dates do you have to go on for it to count?

I'm pretty sure that's a judgement call, if you think it counts then it counts.

[How is Steve so adorably naive?]

[All casual, probably too forced]

... two... uh, you?

[He's kind of surprised both that the number isn't higher, because dear God look at Steve he's a walking wet dream, and surprised that it isn't lower because the poor guy seems so bashful about anything sexual that he'd probably combust at the sight of a dick.]

Seven, but only three of them were relationships, the rest were just a one night stand.

[He used to be a lot more promiscuous before he shipped out, he'd have eaten Steve alive if they'd met then.]

[Yeah the first was the sort of not a thing kind of a thing he had already told Bucky about, while the second was a single date that didn't go so well.

It isn't that Steve doesn't get flirted with, but the formative years being spent where being flirted with was a cruel prank has him a little on the defensive about it.]

Is it okay to ask why they didn't work out?

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