fossilised | It's AU time

"People should stop assuming what I want or what I deserve. Don't act like you get any say in what I want, Barnes," Steve said in what he hoped was a sassy sort of snap and not taken as bitterness or anger. He didn't currently feel either. Lightly biting the inside of his upper lip, ruining the smooth tissue, Steve put the coffee aside. He really had no idea what to do with it right now except maybe dump it on Bucky's head for making him feel this sort of thing that was either actually reciprocated or maybe just partially--

Ugh. Everything was stupid.

Right now, everything was just... He smoothed a hand over his nose and cheek, as if he had been hit with said frying pan in reality and not just jest and flipped those devistatingly blue eyes of his up at Bucky. "So okay, can I ask you something? What do you think would happen if I asked this guy that half lives on my couch like he's afraid I'll stop breathing in the middle of the night for a date? Like, an indoor picnic sort of date? In your opinion I mean. Hypothetically."

Bucky wasn't sure what he was expecting here. Steve to yell at him, maybe, or just get all awkward and try to politely get him to leave without actually throwing him out. That would probably be more likely, Steve was too much of a nice guy even when he should be sticking up for himself more. Always more willing to stick his neck out for other people than for himself.

"What?"

He stared.

And then stared some more.

For a little while it seemed as if he might have forgotten how to speak English, because there was no way that Steve just insinuated that he actually wanted to ask Bucky out on a date. His eyebrows had practically disappeared into his hairline he looked so surprised.

"Jesus, Steve, you deserve better."

"Yeah? I don't see any other guy making me his point of contact when he's having a rough day. I don't see anyone else lined up to hang out with me for a full week when I'm sick, just in case I need some help. Oh. And that hospital stunt? Who else is planting their backside in a chair all night after insisted on riding in the ambulance with me? So define better. No. Really lay out how anyone can care about me and my welfare more and then we can discuss what better actually means. I should probably update my rating matrix to include commissioning gold statues of me, I guess?"

He knew Bucky had issues. Asking him out wasn't going to be possible. They weren't really ready for going out. But why did that stop them from whatever else this was? Bucky was comfortable enough not to wear the arm with him. He'd seen the scars. He knew some of the trauma and could guess at the rest.

So honestly...

What was the harm in trying something out?

"Oh... Oh do you think that guy I'm talking about is just afraid? I mean yeah, I get it. I'm super intimidating. I'd be scared too if I was him. But then how do I let him know that I'm not going anywhere? Like if it doesn't work out or whatever, I'm still the guy who makes cool comics with him in them and plan on staying friends?"

Bucky continued to stare at Steve as if he were an alien and speaking some sort of nonsense language, all the good things he had done just laid out there as if they were something to be proud of instead of something any decent person should be doing. But it was the look in Steve's eyes, those amazing brilliant blue eyes, that arrested his heart completely.

He looked so sincere. Yet also like he might bite Bucky's shins like a little terrier dog if he refused to acknowledge what was growing between them, stubborn punk that he was. It was just-- god.

"Oi, I'm not scared, don't be such an ass." Bucky reached out and tentatively brushed a few blond hairs off Steve's brow. "I still think you deserve better, those gold statues would be a good touch. But I think if you asked that guy out sometime, he might just say yes."

Because why not? Because Steve knew he wasn't normal, and Bucky knew that Steve got sick, why shouldn't they try and work something out together? Small and slow and tentative.

Steves eyes followed the edge of Bucky's fingers until they touched his forehead. He imagined they they used to touch his trigger gently like that, or whatever sort of sports equipment he had used. You could tell there was raw power behind that touch and yet he was so gentle-- Steve let himself get smitten this time and he leaned into the touch.

"For the record, I wasn't calling you a coward. I was calling him one," Steve teased. "And yeah. Maybe tomorrow I'll see if he's still on my couch and ask if he has plans. Worth a shot right?"

One could only hope. He didn't really want to wait to do any more kissing though, so he took the Iniative on this one. It wasn't light and quick. There was no tease this time.

Bucky half expected Steve to taste of apple pie and freedom, but his lips tasted of a weird mixture of cough syrup and coffee. Not exactly unpleasant, but pretty distinctive. Not that he would have cared if Steve had tasted like a week dead skunk right then, because he was just so happy to be kissing him.

This was dangerous. He had already got dangerously close to falling for him, and he cared for him a lot more as a friend than he really should after only a couple of months, so he should be taking it slow instead of sinking into the kiss. Shame that his body didn't seem to get that memo, as he leaned in and threaded his fingers into blond hair to keep Steve close as he returned that kiss more than enthusiastically until his breath ran out.

Panting a little, he pulled back and smirked. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any plans except eating all the food in your fridge."

Steve hadnt kissed a whole lot of people. More people had kissed him than he'd ever returned so this was pretty amazing. To want and be wanted was not a thing that Steve was really all that well aware of. He had almost no experience in it either.

Steve opened his eyes as Bucky spoke, pressed against him the way he'd been very much like while he was ill. He had to snort, his thumb trailing over Bucky's neck stubble.

"There's probably nothing in that fridge," Steve laughed. "I haven't shopped in a week."

It was so strange to have Steve touch him and know that he wasn't repulsed by the scars that were hidden so close by. It was the only reason that he didn't pull back from that gentle thumb over his stubble, though it roamed a little close to his neckline for his liking, smile still at his lips.

"Are you kidding? That's what online shopping is for, you idiot. What kind of person doesn't make sure their fridge is stocked for a freeloading couch surfer? Shame on you."

He did step back then, but not too far, just to a comfortable distance.

"You've gotta have food and build yourself up if you're starting work and school again."

"Jeez, Mom, okay!" It was easier to online grocery shop but certainly not cheaper. Still, Bucky made a valid point. It was less expensive than constantly ordering out too. Steve shifted to pull his phone out of his back pocket and, as if it was normal, flopped against Bucky's chest with his feet stretched out along the couch so that they could put together an AmazonFresh order.

Yes, Steve's mouth was glowing red and his cheeks were pink. Yes, Bucky had made his heart flutter in the only way that didn't scare doctors. And yes. They were going to hang out on the sofa on a Friday night after kissing and a traumatic occurrence in a coffee shop and order milk and eggs to be delivered tomorrow between ten and eleven in the morning.

Technology was wonderful.

"Are you a Captain Crunch sort of guy or do you like Cinnamon Toast Crunch? answer wisely," Steve warned, though he didn't have the ability to sound very ominous.

If there hadn't been online shopping then Bucky would be dead already, he only managed to get enough groceries for himself because they could be delivered right to his apartment door at a time that suited him. He was getting better now, a little at least, he had stepped outside three whole times and only melted down once. That had to be progress.

Steve flopped against him was way more progress than he was expecting, though, and he stiffened for a moment before winding his arms around the slighter man from behind. It was nice, and it was just goddamn typical that Steve was so open and affectionate once he decided to be. Because of course he was.

"Captain Crunch, how is that even a question? Anything with cinnamon on it is immediately made by the devil."

Was it weird that they were doing a joint grocery shop like they lived together?

"Hey, Steve... are you sure you're ready to go back to work?"

Steve wouldn't think it was weird. He was just pleased that someone else had the same aversion to cinnamon he did and happened to either like the Captain or peanut butter a whole lot. Steve fell into both categories. He was very, very comfortable with Bucky like this, as if they'd spent a lot more time doing this and it had just become normal to constantly touch.

Steve toed the blanket up so he could drape it over his lower half and then tilted his head back to look at Bucky, upside down.

"Hey,I have clients counting on me. I've been out for a long time. Some of them have been ready for the next portion of their tattoo for a week. I promise not to overdo it," he promised, thumbing over Bucky's knuckles. "You don't have to constantly worry about me. I've got this far and one little trip to Manhattan and back isn't going to do me in. That would be really anticlimactic."

He promised to have a car take him back and forth so he wasn't walking so much in the cold.

"I'll be extra careful too. Christmas Eve is our second biggest night of the year. The tips are great and the drunken masses usually just want special lettering or something mundane. Trust me. I'll be fine."

It was still weird for Bucky to think of Steve in a tattoo parlour, he just didn't seem the type to be helping drunk idiots pick out fancy lettering for inking their girlfriend's names onto their skin. But then, he didn't really grasp just what a high end place it was and the type of inheritance brat that made up nearly all their clientele. Getting to do an amazing design on someone who really wanted it was often few and far between.

"Alright, alright. I won't nag any more, happy?"

He would, however, be waiting up to make sure that car got Steve home okay and that he had his medicine and something to eat before he went to bed. He wanted to make sure the poor guy wasn't sick again on Christmas Day, and-- oh shit, Christmas Day.

"--I forgot it was Christmas Eve. We haven't even decorated at all, and you haven't told me what you're doing on Christmas Day yet? Nat and Thor? I bet Thor cooks a whole goose or something ridiculous like that."

"I don't exactly have a lot of family, Buck," Steve chuckled. "Nat and I usually do something, but she's been so wrapped up in Thor... I don't know. I'll text her later. She might just be going over his place? His family is in Norway, so maybe not. I don't know. She gets like this when she starts seeing someone knew. I won't say obsessive...but...yeah. He's still in the four month grace period."

Steve wasn't really that down about it.

"I'm guessing you don't have any plans? You're not running up to Boston on me, are you?" The wind outside battered against the windows loud enough for Steve to pick up his head and stare out at the lights shining through. "I have some stuff in the closet if you really feel like stringing lights up for a day or two. Christmas was never about presents or decorations for me. Mom did her best, but she usually worked holidays."

Bucky's expression shuttered when Steve mentioned him going to Boston, though it probably wouldn't be noticed with how he was sat behind Steve to hold him that way. He never should have mentioned where his family lived, but he hadn't expected Steve and himself to get this close.

"They don't know where I am, I haven't spoken to them in months, I won't be going back there."

Because he was a bastard. God only knows what they thought, all he had told them was that he had been discharged and was going across country to find another job. They probably thought he had been dishonourably discharged or something, they were probably mad as all hell, especially Rebecca.

"If, uh-- if you don't have plans with Nat, maybe I can make you dinner?"

Okay, there was a ton to unpack there. A huge amount. Actually, Steve was at a little loss for words. He knew Bucky probably was ashamed of himself. He knew he was not the same as he'd been before he was shipped off. But to cut out his family? That part had not come up when they were talking to Drunk Bucky.

Steve pulled himself up only so that he could stretch out and lay his head on Bucky's knee.

"So this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that you're being stupid and you should at least call them for Christmas. But. You're a grown man. And I don't know anything about your family except that your sister's name is Rebecca and she was pissed off at you for enlisting. Don't give me that sour look. You told me, you can't hold that against me."

Steve lifted a hand to flick Bucky on the nose.

"But anyway, yeah. You can cook dinner for me. Are we have some sort of balls again? I just want to be prepared."

Bucky had dated before, but he had never been with someone who was so openly tactile from the beginning. It didn't bother him to have Steve's head on his knee, waiting only a moment or two before he threaded his fingers into soft gold and began to stroke a gentle rhythm.

"It'll probably be tater tots and meatballs, my cooking doesn't exactly extend to a full Christmas dinner. I'll make melon balls too, everything balls for you."

Wait, that sounded even more wrong than he intended, and he snorted in mild embarrassment. It was good that Steve hadn't pushed him to call his family, but maybe he deserved to know just what kind of selfish ass he had got himself involved with. He wouldn't blame Steve if this made him throw Bucky out.

"They're good people, my Ma and sister. They always looked out for me, supported me, loved me... but neither of them wanted me to enlist. My Ma wanted me to go to college first, get some life experience before I made such a big choice, and Rebecca didn't want to risk losing me. They both got real mad when I joined up anyway, but I thought I knew what was best." He snorted again, this time bitterly. "Now look at me. They were right, and they don't deserve to have to deal with my mistakes. It's better for them if they just remember how I was. I told them-- I said I'd been discharged, that I had a job across country, and that was it. They don't know I was hurt, captured, or even why I was discharged."

Everything balls? "You missed the big one. Popcorn balls," Steve laughed. When was the last time someone stroked his hair? That weird girl probably, the one that made jewelry out of baby teeth and sold them on Etsy. She'd told him he had the perfect hair for braiding into bracelets. On their first date. Just before Steve had gotten her bra undone. That was a bit of a deal breaker. He didn't want to be jewelry.

With Bucky, it was different. He wasn't being sized up. He wasn't being taken apart. They were just being themselves as they put items on a digital shopping list.

"I don't know your family but I don't think they're the I told you so types. I'm not saying you have to tell them anything--" Bucky wasn't drunk, but he was being very forthcoming. That felt almost better than the hair petting. "But you should still wish them a Merry Christmas. Maybe send a card if you don't want to call. Your mom just wants what's best for you. It's a mom thing. Mine used to tell me that all the time. Even after I did something stupid that landed me in the hospital."

He'd almost died a few times because he insisted on doing what he knew his body couldn't handle. Such was the way of teenage boys.

Steve had earned the openness. He had been so understanding so far, he had been open himself, and they had goddamn kissed. If he didn't trust Steve now, then he was a jerk who didn't deserve to see where this might go. It didn't mean that he was suddenly going to be gushing about his feelings every day, but he would be more candid with the secrets of his past. Some of them, anyway.

"Geez, Steve, way to make me feel like a jerk."

He knew that wasn't what Steve intended, but he still felt that way. Here was a nice guy who had lost both his parents, and probably would do almost anything to be able to wish his Ma a Merry Christmas, and Bucky was being a selfish dick by cutting his family out.

"What do I even say? Hey 'Becca, sorry I disappeared on you for months, but your Christmas present is in the mail?"

Both of Steve's eyebrows lifted and he sat up as only a guy his size could do, actually facing Bucky with his back to the edge of the sofa. He set a hand where he'd had his head as if maintaining physical contact was vital for his wellbeing. "First of all, you're only feeling like a jerk because of your guilt. And second of all, you just have to ask about how they are. People love to talk about themselves. They'll get to hear your voice and know you're alive and that's it."

He did want Bucky to reconnect with his family. It was important to keep the people that loved you close at hand. That probably explained why he and Nat were so close. And why he had latched onto this new and interesting fascet of a relationship with Bucky.

"But you should just think about it. You don't need input from me. Unless we're going to fight over the percentage of fat in the milk because I was born and raised on 2% and I'm putting my foot down."

Damn right he was guilty. Not just because of his dumbass decision to join the army which had backfired on him spectacularly, but because of what he must have done to them over the last few months. How worried must they be, how scared, how angry? He knew that if he were in their place, and Rebecca had pulled a disappearing act, he'd be out of his mind with worry and scouring the city dawn til dusk to try and find her.

Which just made him more of a jerk.

The self loathing on his face was pretty obvious for a moment, before he pushed it down and grabbed hold of Steve's change of subject with both hands pretty gratefully.

"2%, are you kidding me? That's it, we're over already, I can't try and date someone who thinks 2% is worth putting in their mouth. It's full fat or nothing."

There was a reason for that subject change. Bucky wasn't ready to confront a lot of things just yet but it was good that he was paying attention. He needed to be reminded that he was cared for. He needed to be reminded that people out there missed him. And then he needed for that to be soothed over by something inane so he could focus on all of that stuff later when he was alone.

A slow smile creeped up on his face before mock outrage could fully take over.

"You might not care about your heart but I am going to care about it! This is not over, not when I have a duty to keep you from getting a heart attack, Bucky Barnes! Two percent. But I'll get you cream for your coffee. Even if you're gross and usually take it black. Who does that?"

Maybe that was why Steve got so much trust, and why Bucky already cared about him so much, because he knew when to push and when to back off. And, most importantly, he didn't seem to judge. Bucky already thought a great deal about Steve's moral compass and his sense of justice, so if he didn't think that Bucky was a complete write off then maybe he wasn't too far gone.

He leaned forwards to press another kiss to Steve's lips, light and still fizzing with the new ability to be allowed to do that.

"Black is the only way to take coffee, Steve, it's not my fault that you're a heathen. I mean-- I still like you, we all have to have our flaws, but this is a big one to overlook. Look, we'll work on it together, okay? We'll get you there."

He smirked, interrupted from saying more by Steve's text alert going off.

FROM: Natabatadingdong
TO: Steve

Rehearsal cancelled. Meet me at McD. You're buying. 45 mins.

If getting there together meant a whole lot of kissing, count him in. Steve hadn't realized how much he liked it or should like it. It was never something he thought about, but that fizz was exactly it. Bucky just seriously did it for him. In every single way. He was just getting back into it as if to shut Bucky up about his short comings when the sound of a text and the vibration in his hand made him groan.

"Nothing is sacred anymore," he complained. "Not even grocery..." A frown passed his face as he rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm paying," he said to himself. Nat made so much more money than he did too! "Nat wants to meet at McDonald's. I think maybe she broke up with Thor. And since I want to talk about you behind your back, do you mind sitting this one out? I need to discuss what kissing you does to me in elaborate detail with my bestie."

This wouldn't be the first time that Nat had broken up with someone after a short time, they always seemed to get more attached than her and end up making ridiculous declarations of love that she had no time for. But not this time, she was still happy with her hulking fireman, she just really did have a cancelled rehearsal and she wanted to hear all about his progress with the man who had been sleeping on his couch for the past couple of weeks.

Man, she was almost annoyed. She spent so much time trying to set him up, and then it looked like he might be on the way there himself. Of course, she imagined that he hadn't gone for it yet, he was too useless in that regard.

Bucky snorted and pulled up to his feet, stretching. "As long as you tell her that I make your toes curl, I think I could sit this out." He didn't exactly want to go out again anyway. "I should head upstairs before my fridge grows new life and raises an army to take over the world anyway."

"Uh so yeah if you happen to get captured by the fridge people, make sure you call right away. Don't eat anything in there either. I mean it. Even if it says it's fine... Remember that we don't want to be sick over Christmas."

Back on went the boots and the coat and hat and gloves... Steve put a hand on Bucky's shoulder, just over where it connected to the prosthetic, and leaned down to kiss him again. His breath was soft. Lingering.

"At least I don't have to lie about the toe curling," he said before he dashed off and headed four blocks west towards the McDonalds. He was frozen when he got there, the walk lights not working in his favor, and he plunked down in a seat and waited for Natalia.

Alone, he couldn't help but finally blush and grin into his palm.

Wow. Bucky Barnes. How did that even happen?

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off to work, catch you later

I'll be here when you get back!

<33

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