fossilised | It's AU time

Well, this was a bad idea. He knew it as soon as he had closed the door on Steve, but the offer to go out had been an olive branch for whatever dumb thing he had done before to cause offence, and he hadn't wanted to ruin that chance. At least having to appear normal lit a fire under his ass, and he showered with almost manic speed, getting his fingers tangled in his hair trying to shampoo it one handed.

Fresh clothes dug out of his boxes, some loose khakis and a long sleeved flannel shirt over a blue tee. He made sure his prosthetic was on tightly, gloves in place, and tucked the hand into the pocket of his khakis again to stop the fake arm swinging in a ridiculous way. Hair up in a messy bun, the few dollars he had on him shoved in his other pocket, and he was ready.

Except it took him another twenty minutes to make it out of his front door and down to Steve's, just crossing the threshold seeming like a massive feat. But he did it, and he had his game face on when he knocked at Steve's door. Last few weeks be damned, this was clearly the night that everything would turn around and he would get back on his feet.

"Steve?" He was kind of curious to see this guy's place, anyway. If there would be art everywhere, if it would even be any good.

Bucky's view of the inside of Steve's apartment was going to be brief. They were pretty late by now and Steve had been contemplating just going himself when he heard the knock. For some reason, that made him dart back to the kitchen so he didn't look too desperate or thst he had been waiting for too long. He made a show of grabbing his keys so that the jingle could be heard through the door and then pulled open the barely to code wooden plank.

From the jamb, Bucky would see pale blue walls of the living room where a television and a comfortable but worn looking couch were set up. An easel was propped against the corner and there was a hint of a breakfast bar to the left and a hallway to the right. Steve had turned his mother's bedroom to an art studio and his own childhood room was pathetically small, just big enough for that futon if he unfolded it and a rack he had installed to hand his clothes on the opposite wall. Though this was technically a two bedroom apartment, that second bedroom was more like a closet or a tiny nursery.

Steve stepped into the hall and pulled the door shut behind him before he locked it. He had his uber app open on his phone and was pleased to see that their ride was just two minutes away.

"Hey, sorry sboit thst," he said as if he was to blame for being late, smile wide as he moved to take the flight downstairs. Bucky cleaned up nicely. Maybe he was wrong about that drug addict thing. He could have just been depressed or lonely.

The apartment looked nice, from what he could see of it. Maybe a poor man's apartment, but it all looked clean and well tended to, like Steve really cared about his possessions and understood that looking after them was the way to make them last. He itched to go and have a look at the easel, to see if he was any good, but he wasn't about to step into someone's apartment at random.

"No problem. So, uh, what exactly is a ramen ball?"

Bucky felt as though his throat had closed up and it was a lot of effort to get the words out at all, but he managed to make them sound normal. He could do this. Maybe if he could prove to himself that this wasn't a big deal, then tomorrow he could go job hunting out in the city?

The uber was already waiting when they got down to the sidewalk, and Bucky slipped in with determination, buckling his belt and then glancing over to Steve.

"Hey-- uh. If I offended you before, making fun of your pottery? Sorry."

Steve scooted in after Bucky and greeted their driver before he glanced over at the man beside him. "I honestly have no idea what they are. My friend likes to try all of the weird stuff," he laughed. "Like rainbow bagels and cronuts and rolled ice cream? We stood in line for three hours to get into Black Taps when they unveiled their super milkshakes. I think she likes the Instagram opportunities."

Photography was also one of Steve's passions but it was a far more expensive art medium to work with. He didn't have the initial start up capital for a good camera body or the editing software... Or the computer actually.

He was trying to bring up a photo of the ramen balls from the website with an outdated phone when Bucky apologized. Steve looked startled, blue eyes catching even in the darkness of the night air.

"It's-- No it's fine. I thought you were saying something-- You have every right to make fun of pottery," Steve stammered for a moment before he smiled again, twice as warm. "But really. Thanks-- oh here. Ramen ball..."

He turned the screen to face Bucky. It didn't look all that impressed, just noodles deep fried into ball shapes with a lot of sauce on them.

Thought he was saying what? Bucky was kind of confused, but at least wondering about that and then looking at the weird noodle ball thing kept him from thinking about what might happen now they were in the car. An IED could-- No. No, it couldn't. He wasn't in Afghanistan, people didn't blow up vehicles on New York streets heading for ramen places. They just didn't.

Still, he was a little pale and tense by the time they got to the place, all neon lights and modern decor, with people lining up to get in.

"I--"

Can't do this. Can no way do this. Just the thought of walking in there was enough to make him want to howl, and he knew that things would go very wrong if he actually set foot in there. It wasn't fair to make an excuse and bail, and if he hadn't ruined the idea of a friendship before then he was about to now, but he had no choice.

"I left my wallet at home, sorry. I guess I can't do this tonight after all, I should head back, you head in. Thanks for bringing my package up. Okay, bye, Steve."

All said in one breath before he just turned and started to walk quickly down the sidewalk away from the Ramen Ball place.

Standing in the street, phone in hand to tip their driver, Steve stood motionless for a few moments. There was a group of girls to his left without reservations hoping to get into the restaurant, and all of them were giggling and mooning over how cute that one was until one of the women pointed to Steve and whispered loudly that he was obviously gay.

"All the really good looking ones are."

"Or bi," another laughed. "Actually, that would work out perfectly for me."

"Run after him Margie," her friend prompted.

"In these heels? Girl!"

Steve turned to go inside then, biting his lip. He'd been all wrong about it. Bucky hadn't been calling him gay in any sort of disparaging way. He'd been trying to feel him out. Great! Now he was the one who looked homophobic! Steve rubbed at his jawline and stepped up to the counter. "Hi. I have reservations for two but... My date stood me up. Twice." He grinned thinking he was funny but the girl at the podium just asked for his name and then grabbed a menu and sat him along the tiny, corridor like restaurant wall.

All restaurants in New York were like this. Incredibly tiny, holes in the wall really.

Steve ordered entirely too many ramen balls. He took photos with his phone and then asked for a to-go bag with three seperate containers.

When he returned to his building to put one box in the refrigerator, he ended up having to sit and take a breather before he huffed back up the stairs to the third floor to knock again on Bucky's door.

Good fucking job, Barnes. Bucky was furious at himself as he stalked away from the ramen place, at least the self loathing was keeping the panic attack or any stupid flashbacks at bay. He could get a cab or another uber, or even the subway or bus, but he chose to walk instead. Jog, really, he could go a long time jogging and it felt good to do something physical.

He had no idea that Steve thought he had left because of any weird homophobia misconceptions, he was just sure his nice neighbour sure wouldn't want to be bothered with him again. He'd just become the bizarre man who lived upstairs.

The knock at the door surprised him, but he came to open the door a crack anyway, strands of long brown hair messily framing his face from where it had fallen down from the bun while he jogged.

"Steve."

Jesus, what did he even say? This was awkward.

"Uh. Sorry I bailed; like I said, my wallet was... I forgot it."

Bucky still looked like an actor even if that apartment really did need to be aired out. Steve did his best not to wrinkle his nose as he looked up at that perfectly framed face. "I got it to go," Steve said, trying to eek out some sort of better reason for being up here. He wanted to prove that he was a good guy and that he didn't and wasn't going to judge Bucky for anything. Even that smell. Even if he liked Patrick Swayze! "So if you're up to it, why don't you come downstairs? I can definitely pack away both dinners, I might be skinny but my legs are hollow! But I'd rather the company. Also I have beer."

Steve's smile made all of this so much less awkward than it could have been. He was just trying to make up for yet another misunderstanding.

And give Bucky's apartment more time to air out.

"If you're not in the middle of a work out...?" That probably explained the funk.

Wow, who the hell was this guy? Nobody was this nice that they would try so hard with a stranger who moved in upstairs, he was like one of those old time movies about the forties or something, where America was some black and white dream and all the people were 'swell'.

He felt his throat tighten like an idiot at the gesture of friendship, and he nodded his head probably a bit too quickly.

"Yeah, no-- I mean, no workout, I'd love to come down for a beer. Maybe you can tell me about all the auditions I could get for next week? Any shows you really want to see close."

He was trying too hard to be smooth, but maybe it didn't come out too badly as he slipped out of his apartment and closed the door behind him, left hand as always in his pocket.

Steve wasn't going to notice the left hand issue until they were seated at the little table for two kitchenette set in his apartment , table pushed into the corner so that they had to sit partially next to each other, with two take out boxes opened and warmed up in front of them. It wasn't until Steve handed Bucky some chopsticks, and he reached over his left side to take them with his right hand, and then put those utensils down to drink that he figured it out.

The kitchen was tight, galley style, but twice as big as Bucky's and with a lot of counter space. The pantry was open and dishes and cups were stacked up neatly under plastic containers of dried goods. Steve's mom never just left the boxes out, she also dumped pasta and cereal into their own special containers. She liked the clean look of it and Steve had followed suit.

Lowering long lashed eyelids away from Bucky's arm, Steve poked his ramen balls with a snort.

"I could do this. Make these I mean," he said, making a show of frowning. "Maybe I'll open up a rival ramen ball restaurant in my living room. What do you think? Can you get off of your busy work schedule closing shows to make a guest appearance if I do?"

Bucky had no idea that he had been figured out already, he thought he was being pretty smooth with setting down his chopsticks to drink and not making a big issue out of it, but he didn't figure with how smart and observant Steve was. He was too busy rubbernecking around the apartment to notice anything might have been noticed in return, it was so neat and tidy. It kind of reminded him of his Ma's place, everything with a home, and that made his heart ache a bit.

"I don't know, I'd have to taste your product first and make sure I wasn't endorsing anything crap. I'm a big time actor, you know? I can't just put my name and face to anything."

He grinned, lop sided and a little more relaxed now that they were inside. It was weird. Since he made it back, most strangers set him on edge and most small talk felt like dragging nails out of his skin. But Steve felt easy to talk to, non-threatening, and he was actually enjoying himself here in this little kitchen.

"Besides, I thought you were going into pottery making?"

"My straight Cs in clay work should probably tell you that my big dreams of being s big time potter is right out the window." He even made a sort of aww shucks snapping motion across his chest and leaned on his elbow to poke at the overly fried noodle balls. "So my only hope now is for my Bucky Balls recipe to kick it off and only my god, no. Nope. I'm so sorry--"

Steve was flustered and laughing and gesturing and covering his mouth all at the same time. That was a terrible name. Truly terrible. Red faced from just suggesting that they name the food item after a sex toy. Steve took a long sip of his beer and pushed back from the table before blinking those baby blues in Bucky's direction.

"Sctuslly thst might make them sell better!"

The whole thing was just so silly but Steve was enjoying himself with this strange man without a left arm.

"On another and less offensive note-- Did you ever decide to look for a fast food job to hold you over before being discovered?"

Bucky... Bucky Balls. Oh my God. Bucky stared at Steve for a long moment as if he couldn't quite believe what he just heard, and then burst into genuine laughter. It was made all the funnier when Steve tried to backtrack in embarrassment, and he found that his stomach was hurting with how hard he was laughing. Bucky Balls. God. Nobody would ever buy anything sounding like that.

"No-- no way, you can't just change the subject after that."

He had to wheeze it out past laughter. But really, he didn't want to admit that he hadn't even started looking for a job because he had been too pathetic to even set foot outside his apartment for the last few weeks. It was just too ridiculous and too stupid to admit to anyone, not when he had come here with a determination to be normal again.

"We're going to talk about your terrible naming strategy. I mean, as a heartthrob actor, my balls are obviously coveted, but not as a food item."

"Hey now. Don't put yourself down that way! I'm sure your balls are just fine." Steve couldn't stop blushing. This was not even remotely the way he assumed that the evening would go. With the whiplash he had given himself from all of the assumptions he was under, Steve wanted to steer clear of all the innuendo and yet found himself crash right back into it.

Why? Who was this stupidly good looking guy (single arm aside) with the sassy personality? Why did Steve enjoy his company so much? He was a loner by nature. Aside from coffee with some friends at school and the occasional night out with his neighbor across the hall, Steve didn't go out of his way to make friends. So what was all of this with Bucky?

He put his chopsticks down and got up from the table, bringing his beer with him to the sofa. If Bucky wanted to keep talking about his balls or ramen noodles shapes like his balls, he could follow. He had wanted to get a look at what was on the easel right? Water color and graphite had taken over the canvas propped up there. It was the cityscape as viewed from Steve's window. It might not be the most exciting subject but the line work and the emotion in it was beautiful. The coloring made it look moody, and Steve only worked on it in the rain. But there was a spot at the bottom corner, a woman carrying a bright red umbrella, that pulled the work into singular focus.

It was a lonely piece without that tiny figure and though she was t the subject matter of the art, she drew in the eye.

Steve was hilarious. He seemed like such a clean cut guy, the sort that he might not even have been surprised to see in a shirt and tie knocking on doors asking if the people inside had found their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and the blush at his cheeks said that he probably didn't delve into innuendo that often. But that he was trying it, and sassing right back, that just made Bucky laugh all the harder.

"You know, people usually have to buy me at least three dinners before they get to discuss my balls in such detail."

He wasn't nearly as embarrassed. He had always been cocky when it came to flirting, and his time in the army had completely desensitised him to any filthy jokes or swearing, that was just the norm among the army guys and girls. Abandoning his last ramen ball, he chose to take his drink to the sofa instead, eyes suddenly catching on the painting.

"...wow," he said, laughter dying down almost at once. "You painted that? That's amazing."

"I just feel like if I'm going to be making ramen sculptures of your balls, we really need to have a good long talk about it," Steve persisted, even if he was dying inside. Where had this come from? He never made dirty jokes. Ever. But Bucky was laughing and when he laughed, the room just felt alive. It was like everything that he hadn't even realized was sketched in black and white was suddenly popping with color that he hadn't even noticed before.

Was that weird? It was probably weird. Nat would absolutely tell him to stop drinking the water from the cup he used to clean his brushes with if he told her.

Thankfully, the conversation had shifted and Steve got to shrug off his work. "That? Well thanks," he said politely. "Buildings aren't hard to paint. You just have to eye the perspective and fill in the lines at an angle. Anyone can do it."

Not everyone could pump such emotion into a painting with such a mundane perspective though. But Steve was modest.

Natalia would probably tell him that he had a crush and then get pretty excited about it. She seemed like an ice queen on the surface, and she certainly knew how to take care of herself, but once she let someone in then she really cared about them. And, unfortunately for Steve, that usually took the form of trying to hook him up with literally anyone she thought might be suitable. Guy or girl.

Bucky had already moved on from the innuendo, utterly captivated by the painting. It looked so-- real, and yet abstract too, more emotion than logic. It both saddened him and awed him. He hadn't expected this guy to be that good.

"You're kidding, right? I wouldn't be able to paint anything like this if I tried for the rest of my life, you've got a real gift. This is amazing, it's-- wow, seriously."

"Have you ever tried? It's all about technique and practice," Steve said, shifting to the edge of the couch so he could lean on his knees and watch Bucky. No one made such a big deal about his work. His teachers sometimes, sure, but not even Natalia did.

And speaking of, she needed to be discouraged from setting him up. When she found out he worked at at a tattoo parlor two years ago, she tried to set him up with a dishwasher at the club she worked at who was covered in tats and his idea of foreplay had been to throw Steve over his shoulder and literally toss him into bed.

It was the only time he had faked an asthma attack in his life, but he had no idea what else to do at the time! That guy had come on so strong that he hadn't left the apartment for a week! That was probably silly but wow, he'd never been so easily manhandled in his life.

After that, he tried his best to politely refuse any and all dates. Even when she ambushed him with blind double dates with her boyfriend.

"I prefer figures to landscapes but landscapes are important too. I would love to pen my own comic one day. You can't get away with plain backgrounds for panels anymore."

It was probably obvious from the toned muscles even through the shirt and flannel button up that Bucky was athletic and had always been that way, it wouldn't be hard to imagine him as a jock in high school. But if Steve had been nervous that he might get laughed at for having a dream as 'childish' as comics, he wouldn't have to be nervous for long, because Bucky beamed.

"That would be so cool. Do you know what sort of style you want to go into? Like... Marvel or DC superhero stuff? Dark Horse? Something more indie and stylised? Independents? You got a writer that you're working with for something original, write yourself? Or you hoping to just get placed through a big company?"

Whoops, that was too many questions.

Bucky realised it as soon as he turned around in his enthusiasm, but he really liked comics. The blend of art and writing was a way of telling stories like nothing else, and a lot of his boxes of books upstairs were graphic novels.

Wobbly eyes evidently were a thing, a real thing, because there was honestly no other way to describe the way that Steve looked right now. He was up in a flash to his studio -- where Bucky could follow if he wished and be amazed by the art on the walls and the art half finished spread out in parchment on the ground or propped up on canvas or stacked in sheets beside a light board on the tiny upright desk.

He wasn't interested in any of that, he just wanted to pull out his nice and neat labeled boxes of comics for Bucky to see. Some were filled along the edges with post its to mark pages.

"Spider-man is my favorite," he admitted. "And I've always wanted to create my own x-man character but to be honest, I think I'd like to make up my own world. Something Science Fiction or a steampunk Western and yeah. I know. I don't seem the type."

He motioned for Bucky to kneel beside him.

"But you don't seem the type to like comics either."

It was kind of sad how excited Steve seemed to be that someone supported his dream career path, what kind of jerks would put down something like that? He had always been a jock at school, but he had never been a bully, always the sort of kid to step in to stop a smaller kid getting beaten up.

"All of this is amazing, you're going to get a job with one of the big places no problem. I mean-- god, just look at this stuff, it's gorgeous."

He followed and knelt down, the action pushing his prosthetic hand out of his jeans pocket so that the arm hung loose and limp at his side. He didn't notice, he had no feeling there and so the way it hung wasn't something he paid attention to except to make sure before he went anywhere that the hand was secured.

"You should definitely go for it, steampunk Western sounds amazing. Jeez, I had no idea that I was moving in above a genius."

It took a moment or two after each sentence for Steve to remember that he wasn't being made fun of. Bucky was genuinely interested in the comics he'd had stashed everywhere, sure, but his eyes were over the acrylic paintings of the charcoal work and ink washes that adorned the walls. He felt shy about it, but still proud of himself. He'd come a long way from drawing comics about his daily life from the point of view of a monkey in an artist's apron.

"Can I show you some ideas?" Steve knew a lot of comic shop frequenters but they always were so opinionated or drew parallels between his ideas and issue such and such of this or that comic. Or offered ideas of their own to more closely align this character to that. Or thought that the boobs should be drawn bigger. That always annoyed him.

But Bucky seemed just down to earth enough not to be sexist about the size of the breasts of his female characters so...

He leaned over to drag out giant sketchbooks and laid them in a stack beside the boxes of published comics he owned. There were all sorts of things in there, sketches and landscapes and notes written in a small, neat lettering. There were even materials studies, like how leather or velvet would look draped in certain ways, and color swatches too.

"What did you want to be when you were a kid, Buck?" That seemed out of nowhere.

Bucky was absolutely entranced by the whole situation. Every drawing was wonderful in a different way and, even if he didn't have the art credentials to recognise good shading technique, the style and the emotion that went into each piece was easily identifiable. He was careful as he flicked through the sketchbooks, occasionally dealing out a piece of praise here and there.

Then the question came.

He had always wanted to be a soldier. He used to get really mad when the smaller kids got picked on in school and he tried to help them learn to fight, to box, to stand up for themselves. He wanted to be a soldier to do that on a larger scale. He wasn't some dumb idealistic kid; and, to be honest, he had never expected to see war. He hadn't expected to end up shipped out to Afghanistan, he hadn't expected two years of sand and blood, and then six months of-- No. He could almost see the edges of his vision starting to fray even touching on that time as a POW, and he forced it all back down.

Bucky pretended that he hadn't heard the question, it was easier.

"This one's the best," he said, pointing at a muscular but not overdone woman in steampunk western gear. "She looks like she'd be so interesting. Like... some kind of outlaw, or maybe the sheriff in a backwater town?"

They had been side by side. There was no way that Bucky hadn't heard the question but Steve wasn't too bummed about it. He leaned in to glance at the character and laughed. "That's based off of my friend, Nat. She said she wanted to be a police officer when she grew up. She's a dancer now. Uh. Not that sort of dancer. A ballerina. She actually just got accepted as a backup dancer or whatever you call it with the Met. But anyway, she's got this flaming red hair but she's so tiny. She said she wanted to be big and strong so... I drew her like that. I kind of picture her being this tough sort of negotiator, like she can crack the bad guys with a look."

Goodness knew she managed to talk Steve into just about anything and she'd only just learned English!

He flipped a few pages to a monkey holding what looked like a shield and a ray gun. "And this is me, as her sheriff's deputy. Not that I wanted to go into law enforcement or anything. I just wanted to be monkey in a zoo and play all day when I was little," he confessed.

Maybe that would get Bucky to open up?

"I should make a character based off of you. Maybe like.... A bounty hunter who specializes in disguises. Since you're such a big bad actor and all!"

Steve was almost ridiculously adorable, people like this didn't actually exist in real life. How could he have wanted to be a monkey just playing around in the zoo? That was too cute, it almost made Bucky want to reach over and ruffle his hair on instinct, but that would be really weird and so he held himself back.

"You serious?"

He lit up like the Fourth of July fireworks.

"Definitely! I'd love to be a badass bounty hunter, maybe I could have some kind of mask so nobody knows who I am, like the mysterious coolest guy around. I could have a six shooter, and maybe I don't talk. All silent assassin, you know?"

Okay, maybe he was going overboard, but who didn't want to be a bounty hunter in a cool Western comic?

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