fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.

They never find anything.

He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.

It doesn't matter, he finds it.

There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.

He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]

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[Ever observant, Steve feels the prick of watchful eyes for a little while, but he keeps his attention on his sketching. He's not here to look for Bucky. If it's Bucky, Bucky can come to him.

And then, remarkably, he does.

Steve's heart is pounding, but he keeps a relaxed posture. He looks over at Bucky, takes him in with a quick glance, and can't help a small smile. He looks much better than last time. Still not great, but definitely better.]

Nice sweatshirt.

I won it.

[His voice is gravelly, like he hasn't used it in the weeks since he last saw Steve and got the bullets taken out of him. He nods down the decking and it's not hard to see the game he's talking about, because it's utterly bedecked in Avengers merchandise, from Captain America shield keyrings, to Iron Man boxer shorts, to cuddly Hulks, they have everything and most of it is tacky. The game is a shooting one, a rifle to knock down bottles.]

Why are you here?

[Steve looks up, over to where Bucky's indicating, and he snorts when he sees all the merch. That's one thing he can't really get over. Toys and action figures. People can buy toys of him. They always have, but he'll never get used to it.

All he wants to do is look at Bucky, but the moment is fragile. He can feel it. So he looks back down at his journal, where he's sketching a young girl he saw with an ice cream cone.]

Funny thing, that. I got this postcard from here, and it'd been a while since I came by, so I thought I'd visit.

[It's a shame that Steve isn't looking, because Bucky almost smiles at that. Not quite, but his usually dour expression gets a lot softer for just a moment.]

I remember spending my last dollar on rides here once, you got sick.

[Bits have been coming back, the journal was a huge help with that.]

I've been coming a lot, it's nice.

[He does look up after that first comment, and he catches a bit of that soft expression. He's not really sure how it makes him feel. It hurts a little, he thinks. But a good kind of hurt.]

Yeah? I came by in the first couple of months after I woke up. I couldn't stand it.

[He looks out at the crowds, smiles a little.]

Guess I just needed some time.

I'm not coming again.

[The soft expression disappears pretty swiftly. It's why he decided to come out to see Steve, he deserved the goodbye.]

I told you, I have a mission now, I'm leaving to complete it soon.

[Hearing Bucky say it aloud is even worse than reading it. Steve's getting a sinking feeling. He really doesn't like where his brain is going with this.]

What's the mission?

[He shakes his head, tiny smile tugging at his lips even if it doesn't reach his eyes.]

Do you want to ride the Cyclone with me?

[It's obvious Bucky's deflecting, but Steve can't bring himself to pry, not when it might mean Bucky just getting up and walking away.

He smiles back, but his doesn't reach his eyes either.]

Yeah, Buck. It'd be nice to try it without throwing up for once.

[He pulls himself up and off the bench, though it's with the slow and deliberate movements of someone not planning to just up and run off any second. Probably.]

You didn't try it when you woke up?

[Steve tucks his journal away in his pocket and stands.]

Well. You were dead. It hurt too much even trying to think about it.

[It's a blatant emotional vulnerability that Steve hardly ever admits even to himself. But it feels necessary right now.]

[The words hit dead on target and Bucky's expression twists into something akin to longing and guilt for a moment.]

Good thing you had other stuff to do, then.

[Other friends, other missions, another life.]

C'mon. I want to ride the back car, at least once.

[That might be the first 'I want' statement that he's used in decades, and it feels oddly nice.]

[Bucky's making assumptions, but Steve can't really correct him when he hears that I want. Good lord, he probably couldn't refuse Bucky anything when he asks like that.]

Alright, alright.

[But the line for the coaster is long, and not moving terribly quickly. So once they're in place, and they have a few moments of quiet, Steve tries again.

To do what, he's not really sure. Confess, maybe. Or just make a connection with his best friend.]

I've missed you.

[He doesn't like the line of people, he feels hemmed in on all sides and he's aware that any one of them could be an enemy. But he keeps his hands shoved deep in his pockets and keeps his posture deliberately slouched and non-threatening so as to not draw attention to himself.]

I know.

[He read the journal.]

But you carried on, Steve, you don't need me around.

[At least he says 'me' now, and not 'him'. He's sort of started to accept that he might be Bucky Barnes.]

[He's quiet at that, worried as hell that his worst fears are true.]

Honestly, Bucky? No, I didn't.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

I don't think I had to go down with that plane.

[It's something he's never admitted to anyone, and only recently has started to admit to himself.]

[His eyes snap up to Steve's face, something terrified and angry burning deep inside them.]

You had Peggy, why would you do that?

[He had other people who cared and needed him. And now he has that too, the Avengers who are a new set of friends and soldiers to fight alongside. Surely he wouldn't go down again if the opportunity presented itself.]

You were gone, Buck. [He says it softly. He shrugs.] I was angry, I was sad, I blamed myself. I might've had Peggy but I didn't really know her that well. I wasn't thinking. In the moment, I looked around and I didn't see any other options and I didn't look for any. I didn't need them.

[He's quiet for a long moment.]

I couldn't see what I had, not really. I see it now, but. Look, Bucky, I might be way off base here but I just don't want you making the same mistake I did.

[His expression shutters off again, though there's a slight tightness to his jaw that says hearing Steve might have wilfully ignored a way to survive is still getting to him pretty badly.]

It's different, Steve.

[He's not denying that those fears might be unfounded.]

Just shut up, or you can ride the cyclone on your own.

[He's hit a nerve, and that isn't remotely encouraging. But Steve doesn't want Bucky to walk away, so he just nods.]

Alright.

[But this ain't the end of it, Barnes.]

[That's what you think, Rogers.

He falls silent for a few minutes, just shuffling forwards when the queue moves slowly.]

The last time I rode this, I think it was with a girl.

[He's definitely more Bucky than he was the last time they saw one another, even if he's not all there yet.]

Probably. [It's as good a change of subject as any.] You were always taking girls out. You weren't even looking to get anywhere most of the time, I don't think. You just wanted to have fun, and you wanted to share it with someone.

[He snorts a little disparagingly, he can hardly imagine being that carefree flirtatious man. His words are deceptively light, but underpinned with bitterness.]

And look at me now, I bet my own Ma wouldn't recognise me. Which is fair, I guess, since I wouldn't recognise her.

People change, Buck. It's not exactly unusual.

[Steve looks over at Bucky, looks him up and down.]

Yeah, she'd probably nag you to cut your hair and shave, but she'd recognize you. I did.

You never even considered I was just someone who looked similar?

[It seems crazy to him that Steve had staked his life on someone who he thought had died in the war.]

Never.

[Steve scratches the back of his neck as he thinks about that. Yeah, maybe he should have considered that.]

It was more than just looks. I just... knew.

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