For Steve

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[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.

They never find anything.

He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.

It doesn't matter, he finds it.

There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.

He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]

Comments

[fiteme]

Yeah, me too.

[He rubs his face. This is a hard conversation to have, but it's all thoughts that he's been struggling with for a while. It's about time he said it out loud.]

Honestly I think that's what keeps me trying to figure it out. I can't just give up and say there's nothing because I have to believe it's all meant for something bigger.

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But I think I want to know the truth. If there is nothing, then I want to know, I need to know that I'm fighting for something.

[It's not fair to lay this on Steve's shoulders, as if he owes Bucky the answers and can somehow provide them.]

[fiteme]

I think that's the whole idea behind faith as a concept, Bucky. We can't know the truth, not when it comes to God. I've heard that Judaism these days is just all about asking questions and debating the answers while still knowing that there can't ever be a certain answer.

[He sighs and throws his hands up.]

Which is fine, but I don't want to spend all my time asking questions and not getting any concrete answers.

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Then I guess you and me both are stuck.

[Because they both want answers and there aren't any to have.]

...do you think life can be worthwhile without anything to fight for afterwards?

[fiteme]

I don't know. It was worthwhile enough before I joined the army, though I guess I was just fighting a different battle, in a different way.

[He considered that quietly for a moment.]

There's always things worth fighting for. And maybe that's just what life is, picking something to fight for, even if it's just your own personal happiness.

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[He should have known that Steve would be able to find hope even in the hopeless. The familiarity of it makes his lips twitch up a bit, warmed by the knowledge that Steve’s heart is a constant even in a world of change.]

Yeah? What do you fight for, Steve? What makes it worth it to you?

[fiteme]

[He smiles sheepishly, ducking his head.]

You know, for a long time it was all those things Captain America is supposed to stand for... truth and justice and freedom. But those are just... such big concepts and I can't be just one guy fighting for it, because... what if I'm wrong? And I've been wrong, and it's been... a disaster, and I don't think I can do that anymore.

So maybe I'm learning how to fight for me now. And... well, you're gonna hate me, but... you.

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I don't want you to fight for me.

[Bucky took an instinctive step away from Steve, almost as if he were considering bolting again.]

You hear me, Steve? Not me. Fight for yourself.

[fiteme]

[God, he was afraid Bucky would react like that. He nodded, biting his lip, then he sighed.]

I hear you, Bucky. I hear you.

[But he wasn't sure he could promise one way or the other. He knew he'd always be ready to fight for Bucky. He wasn't sure if he could stop himself. But if Bucky asked... it was hard to say no.]

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I want you to promise me, not just hear me.

[He knows Steve too well for this, the punk will just wriggle around it if he doesn't get the words out of him in a solid promise.]

[fiteme]

[Dammit. Steve works his jaw, which he's clenched a little too tightly, and he takes a deep breath.]

Alright. I promise I won't fight for you.

[Even though it kills him to say it, he makes eye contact with Bucky to show he means it. Steve doesn't back down from his promises.]

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[He swallows hard and falls back in beside Steve, though he still looks disturbed.]

Thank you, I know-- I know that has to be hard for you, I'm sorry.

[fiteme]

[It is hard, and Steve hates it, but he swallows all that back and just nods, albeit stiffly.]

We'll figure it out.

[They have to.]

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[He falls silent until they get to Steve's little place, and only when the door is shut does he break that silence again.]

I know you're mad, you should yell at me or demand your answers like you used to. The Steve I have some memories of would never have bit his tongue.

[fiteme]

[Steve sighed.]

Yeah. Thing is, these days, when a man gets angry, people get scared. I know my strength, I know the effect I have on people. I don't want to be a person people are scared of, I want to be a person they can trust.

And with all the things you've been through, I don't know what... what might affect you badly. And I don't want to be just another person who hurts you.

[advanced]

You can't hurt me, Steve.

[Maybe that wasn't entirely true, but for the purposes of this discussion then it might as well be.]

I want you to be you, really you.

[fiteme]

[Steve frowns.]

You know, I'm not really sure who that is anymore.

[Everything has changed so much, and he knows he's changed right along with it. Who even is he? Who does he want to be? He has no idea.]

[advanced]

You and me both, pal.

[It's said softly, and finally some of the tension goes out of his shoulders.]

But I remember you being an honest guy, I don't think should change.

[fiteme]

[Steve sighs. They really are both in the same boat in that regard, and while it's a terrible thing to deal with, at least they don't have to deal with it alone. Not anymore, anyway.]

You mean out loud. [He smiles a little at Bucky, and it's pretty clear it's self-deprecating.] Okay. I promised you, Bucky, but it's going to kill me to keep that promise.

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Then maybe I should tell you why.

[He pushes up and sits on the edge of a counter, looking for a moment like the old Bucky indolently lounging about.]

I don't even know who me is, Steve, I don't want you fighting for something that might not exist.

[fiteme]

[Seeing Bucky like that hits a chord inside Steve that makes him duck his head and blush a little bit. But now isn't the time for that, so he just shakes his head and takes a deep breath.]

I know. I get it, I do. I just don't like it.

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Neither do I.

[At least they're being honest with each other now.]

Sometimes I want to be the man I used to be so much that I can't breathe, but I don't know how to make it happen.

[fiteme]

[Steve shook his head again.]

That's not what I meant. Of course I miss who we used to be, but everyone grows and changes, even under the best of circumstances. Who we are now... whoever those people are, that's... who we are. Even if we're not sure what that means. Even if it takes us years to figure out.

[He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.]

What I meant is that I don't like that you won't let me fight for you at all. That's all.

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It's because I know you'd take it too far.

[Perhaps that's harsh and too blunt, but it's the truth.]

If I could trust that you'd walk away and let me fight alone when I asked you to, then maybe I'd let you fight with me. But you don't have that in you, and sometimes I need to not have someone else there. Even you.

[fiteme]

[Steve's quiet for a long moment, chewing on that. He doesn't like it, but... he can't deny it.]

Well. That's fair.

[He's quiet a moment longer.]

I'll always be here for you, though. All you have to do is ask.