fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.

They never find anything.

He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.

It doesn't matter, he finds it.

There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.

He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He's quiet at that, worried as hell that his worst fears are true.]

Honestly, Bucky? No, I didn't.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

I don't think I had to go down with that plane.

[It's something he's never admitted to anyone, and only recently has started to admit to himself.]

[His eyes snap up to Steve's face, something terrified and angry burning deep inside them.]

You had Peggy, why would you do that?

[He had other people who cared and needed him. And now he has that too, the Avengers who are a new set of friends and soldiers to fight alongside. Surely he wouldn't go down again if the opportunity presented itself.]

You were gone, Buck. [He says it softly. He shrugs.] I was angry, I was sad, I blamed myself. I might've had Peggy but I didn't really know her that well. I wasn't thinking. In the moment, I looked around and I didn't see any other options and I didn't look for any. I didn't need them.

[He's quiet for a long moment.]

I couldn't see what I had, not really. I see it now, but. Look, Bucky, I might be way off base here but I just don't want you making the same mistake I did.

[His expression shutters off again, though there's a slight tightness to his jaw that says hearing Steve might have wilfully ignored a way to survive is still getting to him pretty badly.]

It's different, Steve.

[He's not denying that those fears might be unfounded.]

Just shut up, or you can ride the cyclone on your own.

[He's hit a nerve, and that isn't remotely encouraging. But Steve doesn't want Bucky to walk away, so he just nods.]

Alright.

[But this ain't the end of it, Barnes.]

[That's what you think, Rogers.

He falls silent for a few minutes, just shuffling forwards when the queue moves slowly.]

The last time I rode this, I think it was with a girl.

[He's definitely more Bucky than he was the last time they saw one another, even if he's not all there yet.]

Probably. [It's as good a change of subject as any.] You were always taking girls out. You weren't even looking to get anywhere most of the time, I don't think. You just wanted to have fun, and you wanted to share it with someone.

[He snorts a little disparagingly, he can hardly imagine being that carefree flirtatious man. His words are deceptively light, but underpinned with bitterness.]

And look at me now, I bet my own Ma wouldn't recognise me. Which is fair, I guess, since I wouldn't recognise her.

People change, Buck. It's not exactly unusual.

[Steve looks over at Bucky, looks him up and down.]

Yeah, she'd probably nag you to cut your hair and shave, but she'd recognize you. I did.

You never even considered I was just someone who looked similar?

[It seems crazy to him that Steve had staked his life on someone who he thought had died in the war.]

Never.

[Steve scratches the back of his neck as he thinks about that. Yeah, maybe he should have considered that.]

It was more than just looks. I just... knew.

[He glances sideways, a slightly strange look on his face.

Was there something more to their friendship in the past? He doesn't know, he keeps remembering odd feelings, but nothing that would support them.]

What you did was stupid.

Oh, absolutely.

[He actually laughs at that. People have been telling him that... Bucky has been telling him that his whole life.]

But it worked.

[He contents himself with a glare to his side, pretty much killing himself is not the right definition of 'it worked'. But he doesn't say anything else as they finally get to the front of the queue and the attendant directs them into one of the cars.

Bucky fastens his safety bar in place and waits, feeling oddly nervous. He's not done something like this in a long time, just for fun.]

You ready?

[Steve's also kind of nervous as they get seated. After all, the last time he was on this thing, he weighed a hundred pounds less and threw up after.

But hey. It'll be fun. Right?

He looks over at Bucky and smiles, trying to focus on the excitement of the ride and the people around him, not the idea that there's a distinct possibility that this is the last time he'll ever see Bucky.]

Yeah, I think so. You?

Doesn't matter if I'm not, it's too late to get off now.

[The car jerks into motion.

It's such a strange sensation, being boxed into a little rollercoaster car with the man he tried to kill, surrounded by strangers who have no idea how dangerous the man in their mix is.

The ride itself isn't as exhilarating as he remembers it being, maybe because he's done things far more deserving of adrenaline since the last time he rode it, but it's still oddly enjoyable. It's over too fast, they're rolling back to the platform in what seems like moments.

He glances over at Steve, for just a moment the hint of a regretful smile on his face.]

This is my stop, Steve, it's time to go.

[It really is almost a letdown, after everything Steve's been through. But it's entertaining enough, and he doesn't get at all nauseous. He takes the opportunities to look at Bucky when he can, and when it's all over, Steve wishes it could've lasted forever, if only so he doesn't have to say goodbye now.

He feels tears pushing at his eyes, and he can't bring himself to fight them.

He turns to face Bucky and shakes his head.]

It doesn't have to be like this, Buck. It doesn't have to be goodbye.

Yeah, it does.

[His voice is slightly softer, but it's the only indication that this might be even a little hard for him too.]

It's the end of the line, Steve, it's time to accept that.

[Steve shakes his head again, and before he can stop himself he puts his hands on Bucky's shoulders, then pulls him in to hug him.]

That's the thing, Buck. There's never been an end of the line. Not for me. And there never will be.

[He tenses up completely in the hug, but he doesn't actively pull away or try to get Steve to let him go. Neither does he return it, his arms remaining limp by his sides.]

You're wrong.

[There's an edge of desperation to his voice.]

You have to let me go, it's over.

You can say that as much as you want but it won't change how I feel. God knows I tried a million times but you always stuck in my head and my heart anyway. You can leave, you can go... kill yourself, if that's what you're planning, but I'll never be able to let you go. So if you were hoping for a clean break, you're not getting it from me, pal.

[He lets go, steps back.]

But you get to make your own choices now. So if this is really what you want, I'm not going to stop you. All I can do is beg you to reconsider.

[It's just like it was on the helicarrier, Steve keeps talking and Bucky can feel a well of terror and anger rise inside him like a tsunami that he can't keep at bay. It's not fair that Steve won't let him go, not without making it so that he could never have peace in the decision that he wants to make.]

I told you to shut up!

[He shouts it, suddenly throwing a punch at Steve's face viciously. Whether he's stopped or blocked, he'll keep throwing punches all the same, making the bystanders start to scream or shout for security now that a fight has broken out.]

[And just like on the helicarrier, Steve lets the punch fly, feels the burst of pain as it connects and snaps his head to the side.

But this isn't the helicarrier. They're on Coney Island, if they do this in public, they're going to cause serious problems. So instead of just letting Bucky pummel him (as if that would help anything), Steve does his best to duck and dodge and try to catch Bucky's hands to get him to still.]

Bucky! Bucky, stop, please, not here! They're gonna see you!

You couldn't just let me go?!

[He's so angry that it feels like his chest might explode with it, and he's not going to stop unless Steve actively restrains him properly or fights back. If even one of his hands gets caught, he's going to surge forwards to try and headbutt him viciously.]

I hate you.

[That's not true, but it comes out all the same.]

You selfish asshole.

[The words sting, because they're true, but Steve has to focus on stopping Bucky. And dodging the headbutt. They're drawing way too much attention.

Steve starts to fight back, enough to try to really restrain Bucky this time.]

Yeah, Buck, I'm a selfish asshole. Always have been. But Buck, they're gonna call the cops if we keep this up. You want to kick the shit out of me that's fine but let's do it in private maybe?

[The words come out breathless and disjointed because trying to fight and converse at the same time is very difficult. Steve finds a tiny opening in Bucky's relentless onslaught and goes for a headlock.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject