Bucky Barnes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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fossilised2017-02-24 01:53 am
advanced) wrote in fossilised2017-02-24 01:53 am
For Steve
[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.
They never find anything.
He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.
It doesn't matter, he finds it.
There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.
He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]
They never find anything.
He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.
It doesn't matter, he finds it.
There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.
He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]
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I know you're mad, you should yell at me or demand your answers like you used to. The Steve I have some memories of would never have bit his tongue.
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Yeah. Thing is, these days, when a man gets angry, people get scared. I know my strength, I know the effect I have on people. I don't want to be a person people are scared of, I want to be a person they can trust.
And with all the things you've been through, I don't know what... what might affect you badly. And I don't want to be just another person who hurts you.
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[Maybe that wasn't entirely true, but for the purposes of this discussion then it might as well be.]
I want you to be you, really you.
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You know, I'm not really sure who that is anymore.
[Everything has changed so much, and he knows he's changed right along with it. Who even is he? Who does he want to be? He has no idea.]
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[It's said softly, and finally some of the tension goes out of his shoulders.]
But I remember you being an honest guy, I don't think should change.
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You mean out loud. [He smiles a little at Bucky, and it's pretty clear it's self-deprecating.] Okay. I promised you, Bucky, but it's going to kill me to keep that promise.
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[He pushes up and sits on the edge of a counter, looking for a moment like the old Bucky indolently lounging about.]
I don't even know who me is, Steve, I don't want you fighting for something that might not exist.
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I know. I get it, I do. I just don't like it.
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[At least they're being honest with each other now.]
Sometimes I want to be the man I used to be so much that I can't breathe, but I don't know how to make it happen.
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That's not what I meant. Of course I miss who we used to be, but everyone grows and changes, even under the best of circumstances. Who we are now... whoever those people are, that's... who we are. Even if we're not sure what that means. Even if it takes us years to figure out.
[He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.]
What I meant is that I don't like that you won't let me fight for you at all. That's all.
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[Perhaps that's harsh and too blunt, but it's the truth.]
If I could trust that you'd walk away and let me fight alone when I asked you to, then maybe I'd let you fight with me. But you don't have that in you, and sometimes I need to not have someone else there. Even you.
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Well. That's fair.
[He's quiet a moment longer.]
I'll always be here for you, though. All you have to do is ask.
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[Finally, a small smile touches his lips again.]
It's why I'm still here, I couldn't just-- I could die while you were still out there.
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Thank you. I know it's hard for you. I really appreciate it.
[They're both trying, here. They're both trying so hard.]
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[This is a mess and they're both just two old and wounded men trying to piece themselves back together.]
...hey-- you got any cards in this place? You remember when we used to play in our old apartment for cubes of sugar 'cos neither of us had any money?
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Yeah, I remember. You always beat me.
[Bucky always knew when Steve was lying, and Steve was always trying to call a bluff that wasn't actually a bluff. When they were with the Howlies, Steve did a lot better because none of them seemed to think Steve was capable of lying.
Bucky still beat him though, because he always knew.
Steve sat back down with the cards and started to shuffle.]
I guess we'll see if you're still as good as you used to be.
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[He grins, cocky and confident, just like the Bucky of old. For a moment he really is that Bucky, and this is just their cold little apartment where they're playing for sugar, the stakes only high enough that one person will have to take their coffee bitter for a while.
It's nostalgic and it hurts, but in a good way.]
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I was not terrible. And anyway, I've gotten much better.
[No he hasn't. He hasn't played a game of cards with anyone since WWII.
...that's not true. He tried playing once with Natasha, but that was a huge mistake.]
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[The words are slipping out like muscle memory now as he takes the cards dealt to him and glances over them, before pushing two cubes of sugar into the centre of the table.]
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And how long has it been since you played, huh?
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[A lifetime ago. It doesn't stop him from analysing Steve's expression and then pushes in another cube to match it with a grin.]
So-- how many cards, Steve?
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Really, he could probably do with another hand entirely, but maybe he'll get lucky.]
Two. So what you're telling me is I really do have a shot to beat you, huh?
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[He deliberately pops the P in the word, accentuating his Brooklyn accent, and deals Steve two cards before taking one of his own.]
You've never beaten me, Steve, and you never will.
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[Except Steve's cards still aren't great. He's got three of a kind, but they're twos, so Bucky could easily beat that hand. He does his best poker face, though who knows how much that fools Bucky. Probably not much.]
Whatcha got?
no subject
Only a winning hand, not much.