Loki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
throneenvy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fossilised2016-02-12 05:26 pm
throneenvy) wrote in fossilised2016-02-12 05:26 pm
Entry tags:
For Darcy
No, Loki.
Those words still rang in his ears even hours after they had been said, as though a bell tolling for his execution. He saw Odin's face with every blink of his eyes, disappointed and dispassionate, as though he cared nothing for the suffering of his younger son. No-- No, not son. He had made that mistake too many times, he was no Odinson, and to believe otherwise was to perpetuate the lie told to him his entire life. He would not be so foolish as to pin hope on those words said before the sleep took the All-Father, where he said he still saw Loki as his son, where the lies had been designed to protect him.
His actions since proved those false. Lies worthy of being told by the Silver-tongue himself.
Despite all Loki had done. Despite upholding his decision regarding Thor, despite proving the elder son had no right to the throne in his arrogance and stupidity, despite saving the sleeping king's life from a mortal enemy and slaughtering his own birth father for his sake, despite acting as a true ruler to destroy a realm that had declared war... still he was seen as wanting. His actions deemed as unworthy, even criminal. And Thor returned to the fold as worthy heir.
He had thought to die when he fell to the Void. He had hoped for once brief, brilliant moment that Odin or Thor would catch him. But they did not. They watched him fall as though they had tossed him to the abyss himself. But he had not died, he had somehow fallen through the gaps in shadow and landed in another realm. He knew at once that it was Midgard. It stank of the mortals, the air had that distinct sharpness that was only found here.
This was where Thor had become worthy once more.
Perhaps that was a sign. Perhaps he could reforge himself once more here on Midgard, perhaps-- or perhaps those were false hopes brought out by a shattered mind. He no longer knew himself if he were insane, and he found he did not care. He only wished to be alone and hidden until he thought through what he should do, until he found a place for himself once more. It was a matter of instinct to cloak himself from Heimdall's gaze, though he had little energy left and exhaustion tugged at his bones even with that small use of his magic.
He did not even have the energy to find one of the cities the mortals had built, scarce enough to even find one of their roads and sit beside him. He used the last of his magic to change his clothing into garb less likely to draw attention, simple black trousers and a neat shirt, before he sat in the dust and dirt and waited for one of their vehicles to pass by.
Loki required transportation, food, and rest. Then perhaps he could begin to make sense of what had happened and plan his next moves.
Those words still rang in his ears even hours after they had been said, as though a bell tolling for his execution. He saw Odin's face with every blink of his eyes, disappointed and dispassionate, as though he cared nothing for the suffering of his younger son. No-- No, not son. He had made that mistake too many times, he was no Odinson, and to believe otherwise was to perpetuate the lie told to him his entire life. He would not be so foolish as to pin hope on those words said before the sleep took the All-Father, where he said he still saw Loki as his son, where the lies had been designed to protect him.
His actions since proved those false. Lies worthy of being told by the Silver-tongue himself.
Despite all Loki had done. Despite upholding his decision regarding Thor, despite proving the elder son had no right to the throne in his arrogance and stupidity, despite saving the sleeping king's life from a mortal enemy and slaughtering his own birth father for his sake, despite acting as a true ruler to destroy a realm that had declared war... still he was seen as wanting. His actions deemed as unworthy, even criminal. And Thor returned to the fold as worthy heir.
He had thought to die when he fell to the Void. He had hoped for once brief, brilliant moment that Odin or Thor would catch him. But they did not. They watched him fall as though they had tossed him to the abyss himself. But he had not died, he had somehow fallen through the gaps in shadow and landed in another realm. He knew at once that it was Midgard. It stank of the mortals, the air had that distinct sharpness that was only found here.
This was where Thor had become worthy once more.
Perhaps that was a sign. Perhaps he could reforge himself once more here on Midgard, perhaps-- or perhaps those were false hopes brought out by a shattered mind. He no longer knew himself if he were insane, and he found he did not care. He only wished to be alone and hidden until he thought through what he should do, until he found a place for himself once more. It was a matter of instinct to cloak himself from Heimdall's gaze, though he had little energy left and exhaustion tugged at his bones even with that small use of his magic.
He did not even have the energy to find one of the cities the mortals had built, scarce enough to even find one of their roads and sit beside him. He used the last of his magic to change his clothing into garb less likely to draw attention, simple black trousers and a neat shirt, before he sat in the dust and dirt and waited for one of their vehicles to pass by.
Loki required transportation, food, and rest. Then perhaps he could begin to make sense of what had happened and plan his next moves.
no subject
They, therefore, were of little threat to Loki's disguise. They had accepted him for what he claimed to be, Jane enthusiastically and Erik with more reservation, and that was the end of their interest. If he did not wish to talk about his past, then they did not force the issue.
Darcy, on the other hand, was far more of a threat. She picked up on his inconsistencies, she rarely forgot when he slipped in speech or mannerism from the norm of this society, and she had an insatiable curiosity. A man who apparently had no past before the day he was left in the desert was obviously something she questioned, and he had learned to be wary of that even while he appreciated her perceptive nature. She had proven, surprisingly, someone he considered a friend even after only these scant few weeks.
He turned the discussion away from SHIELD when she returned with her coffee and, for the next few hours, he took her through some of his base calculations for the new equations he was currently transcribing into Midgardian scientific terms. No matter what Jane Foster may believe, he had found Darcy a worthy student and did not shirk or shy from explaining things to her.
Thus the evening passed until quite late when Darcy's phone rang. Jane's number. Sadly, nobody had warned her not to tell SHIELD about Leita, and Erik had been insistent on getting a full background now that they were about to become official consultants (SHIELD wanted a way to contact Thor again as soon as possible as well) and were in a position to do so. That had, obviously, led to a shocking and unpleasant discovery.
"Darcy, listen to me." Jane's voice was tense and quiet. "I need you to get out of the apartment and go some place safe. Leita isn't who he said he was, SHIELD have never heard of him. I don't know who he is."
All sorts of terrible things were racing through her mind. He had only seemed to help so far, but why lie? And how had he known about the hammer? Whatever the answers, they clearly didn't add up to her wanting to leave her friend anywhere near someone potentially dangerous and definitely a liar.
no subject
She'd been completely wrong. Not once had she even considered the possibility that some stranger would throw around SHIELD's name in order to work his way into their circle. SHIELD wasn't exactly one of the better known letter agencies, and he'd had intimate knowledge of Mjölnir. How could he have possibly learned all of that without a connection with SHIELD?
Her initial distrust, at least, had been well placed.
"Holy shit," was her eloquent response, even as she was busily getting dressed. Sneaking out of the flat would be easy if Leita was barricaded in his room like he often was so late at night, but if it was one of those occasions where he lingered in front of the television set or was sprawled out on the couch reading, she would need an excuse.
One that would not raise his suspicions.
Where could she go? The first destination that popped into her mind was Jane's trailer, but Leita knew where that was, which immediately awakened a fresh pang of anxiety. "Jane, where are you? He knows where your trailer is. We could both go to the lab, he doesn't have a key."
But so many open windows just begging to have a brick thrown through them.
Not such a great idea.
She bit her lower lip. The closest hotel she knew about was run down and quite possibly infested with a whole slew of vermin. She hated the idea of leaving town entirely, all because of one person, but now that he was in SHIELD's sights, they would dig up all the information they could on him and take care of the problem.
Wouldn't they?
She was getting ahead of herself, making everything more complicated than it needed to be. Taking a deep breath, she thought rapidly.
"Okay. Okay. I got this. Once I'm on the road, I'll call you, and we can figure out where to go from there."
"Don't do anything stupid, Darce."
"I promise I won't make a citizen's arrest. Scout's honor."
"You were never a Girl Scout."
"It's the thought that counts." A soft intake of breath. "Be safe, Jane. Call Erik. He knows, like, everyone in the world. He probably has a place we can crash at."
"Got it. Talk to you soon."
Darcy ended the call and slipped her phone into her bag, slowly slipping it over her shoulder. She didn't bother with packing clothing or toiletries; the important thing was getting out of there without raising suspicion. She could always stop by WalMart.
Trying to calm her nerves, she crept out of her room and made a beeline for the door.
no subject
He was ostensibly watching the television, though in actuality he was deep in thought. He had come to quite like this Midgardian invention, it was a convenient way of achieving the stories of feasts and celebration days at any time. Though many of the 'shows' that he had been introduced to were less palatable than the invention itself. Midgardians watched a lot of trite nonsense.
The show on at the moment had started with a blare of noise and flashing words stamped at diagonal angles, and had then devolved into several overweight mortals discussing their marital issues while the assembled audience vented their displeasure loudly. He had paid attention long enough to realise he thought this the worst sort of banal triviality, before he had descended into his own thoughts.
Mostly about Darcy Lewis, though to a lesser extent also Jane and Erik, and even the mortals on the street.
They had all been so kind to him, so open and genuinely pleasant. For the first time in his life he was not stood in Thor's shadow and nobody's attention came second-place and only out of deference to his brother. Here he was liked, or seemed to be, and even had a friend in Miss Lewis if the frequent gifts of unsuitable clothing and odd-smelling pastries left in his room were any indication.
He knew he could not stay and that it could not last. But even through the guilt and the locked away tumult of emotion over what had happened before, he was... happy.
Loki tilted his head when Darcy crept into his peripheral vision and offered her a surprisingly warm smile, though curiosity sparked in his eyes only moments later. She looked tense, why should that be? Where was she going so late at night?
"I hope it is not the raucous revelry of Mr. Springer that drives you from the apartment so late?"
no subject
She glanced at the television set, surprised that Jerry Springer was still on television and irked that she hadn't known about it before. She clearly had a number of episodes to catch up on. Few shows were trashy enough to keep her attention through a Saturday morning hangover.
"Dude, you should try Maury. So many paternity tests, so much white trash. It's glorious."
Darcy hoped she didn't sound nervous, because she sure as hell felt it. She was in the flat with a complete, total stranger who had willfully lied to them about his name, his past, his association with SHIELD. Everything. And to what end? If he intended to rob them, he would have noticed almost immediately that they didn't have much that was worth the effort. If it was to rip off Jane's work, how had he learned about it in the first place? And why help?
Nothing made sense. It didn't help that she did not feel threatened around Leita, or whatever his name was. Not once had he ever laid an inappropriate hand on her. It almost felt silly to be running away from such an unassuming gentleman, but better safe than sorry.
The lie slipped out easily. "A friend called and needs to see me. Nothing too major, but, you know." She shrugged one shoulder. "Drama. I'll be back later."
Without waiting for his response, she turned and headed for the door, keys in hand.
no subject
He could attribute it to the drama of this unknown friend, but something still seemed to be unusual. Darcy would normally explain the situation volubly, possibly complaining about said friend or whoever had offended said friend at great length. Additionally, he did not think she had many friends in this little town, not other than their small working group.
Loki unfurled himself from the sofa and turned off the television. His suit, despite being sat around in, fell immaculately without a single crease as if it had just been put on that moment.
"Allow me to accompany you, I am too wakeful this evening for sleep and to escort you will be a much more pleasant distraction than the television can provide."
He followed her to the door without waiting for an assent, close enough to touch her though without actually doing so. Merely a position he had stood in many times over the past few weeks, but he was not to know that now he had shifted to being a person of great suspicion and distrust.
"I hope the situation is not too dire, though it cannot be good to pull you out so late at night."
no subject
"Uh, I don't think she'd appreciate some random dude showing up. No offense or anything, but she doesn't know you." She gestured towards the living room with her chin, absently fiddling with her keys.
She could make a run for it, but Leita had long legs, and would probably catch her before she could make it out the door. Slipping out a window wasn't an option unless a broken leg was on her short list of things she really wanted to experience. Damn, how could it be so hard to sneak out of her own damn flat?
She should have waited. It was her own damn fault.
Deceit never sat well with her. Darcy simply wasn't the type to lie, not like this. Her pulse beat rapidly against her skin, adrenaline coursing through her limbs, coaxing her into movement when she needed stealth. A voice in her head sneered that her lies were paper thin, transparent.
Surely Leita would believe her, right?
"I won't be gone long."
no subject
It had not escaped his notice that she had only tensed when he stepped closer and offered to come with her. Was she afraid of him? No, he would have noticed before this night if she had feared him.
So why?
His brow furrowed and he took another step towards her to reach out and place a hand on her shoulder, aiming to effectively halt her progress away from him. It may be nothing, but he could not take that chance. There were few reasons she may have to suddenly fear him, but none led to any good situation. If she knew who he was, or if she suspected, then he would have to deal with it.
"Why are you attempting to flee my presence?"
He did not dance around the subject. There were times for subtlety, but there were also times to be direct. A blunt appraisal of a situation could shock the other person into revealing more than they meant to through surprise or panic.
no subject
He saw right through her. More lies would only further muddy the waters.
"I know you were never with SHIELD," she blurted out, wishing she didn't feel so cornered. Taking a deep breath, she faced him, raising her chin up in a challenge. "SHIELD has no idea who you are. Jane just called and told me."
She studied his face closely, hoping to gain some insight as to how he would respond. If with violence, well, she was pretty much screwed. Maybe she should have tried going out the window after all.
Or she should have shown some patience for once in her damn life. Leita would have eventually gone to bed, and then she'd be free as a kite.
No, that was high as a kite.
"Who are you?" she demanded after a moment, trying to bully her mind back on track.
no subject
The moment that those words left Darcy's lips, Loki's mind began to run on overdrive. There had to be a way to salvage this situation. It was with a mild sense of shame at his own idiocy for getting attached, that Loki realised that contemplating an end to these comfortable weeks of kindness and work made cold knots form in his stomach.
"Is that what you believe?"
He could not tell her the truth.
He could not tell any of them the truth. They would turn on him at once, and justifiably so from their perspective, as he would be the monster who had attacked their town and tried to kill his own brother. They loved Thor, Jane much more literally than the others, and they would doubtlessly take his side. Everyone always took his side.
"SHIELD make a business from secrets and lies, why should they not deny me? They would not want a terminated employee working alongside their newest allies, so what better way than to discredit me?"
Loki made his expression sorrowful; a subtle downturn of his lips, a clench to his jaw, and widening of his eyes. All calculated to make this performance as convincing as he possibly could.
"I suppose I should not be surprised you believe them over me. I am, after all, still merely a stranger. Though I had hoped us to have become friends."
no subject
Potentially dangerous.
Especially right now.
"We're not allies, we're business partners. SHIELD has no reason to lie about past associations. They have nothing to gain from it." She jabbed a finger in his direction, growing more bold, more reckless. "I thought we were friends too, but apparently you've been lying. And now you're trying to make me question SHIELD instead of you, which is exactly what a liar would do.
SHIELD wants this research to succeed, so any attempts to discredit someone who can assist makes absolutely no sense. According to Jane, not a single person in the room showed any recognition when they mentioned you, and she was there when they looked up the files. Jane's not about to just blindly trust them either."
Darcy paused for breath, her cheeks flushed. This was all too much. Everything from the moment Thor had crashed to earth had been a roller coaster of danger and insanity that left her questioning whether or not she should have ever applied for this damn position in the first place. Was six credit really worth nearly getting incinerated by a giant robot? Or having her home infiltrated by a crazy person?
She noticed that she was trembling, and quickly clasped her arms together, trying to hide that fact from Leita. She was frightened, discouraged, tired, and nearly overwhelmed, all things a predator might detect and use to his advantage.
Oh god, why was she thinking as if she was in the middle of a Discovery Channel special?
"Look, Leita, or whoever you are...just...come clean, dude."
no subject
His lie had shattered and now lay in pieces around his feet that could not be salvaged no matter how hard he tried to do so. Jane Foster had been clever in her questioning of SHIELD, making sure to double check the information for herself before she acted on it. But of course she had, she was a scientist and a brilliant one by Midgardian standards.
Loki's eyes widened for a moment, hurt and fear and anger all flashing quickly through before he managed to shutter himself down to a level of control once more.
"I have never been a member of the organisation SHIELD."
His confirmation of what she already knew was quiet. He noted her trembling, the way her body seemed caught between fight and flight, and yet her words and expression were so defiant. He found himself impressed by her courage and fortitude, which only made it worse that he would be losing her. All of this, all of them.
But he could not tell her the truth. It stuck in his throat like a physical obstruction and refused to leave his tongue. Not just for how she would view him, but because he had coped thus far by pushing down what had happened and not thinking too closely on it. If he had to speak of it, relive it, he may well crack beyond repair.
"I chose a lie that I believed would let me help you in your research, for that is all I wanted to do. I have never wished you ill and would not harm you, that you must believe." He took a step back from her as if to prove he would give her the space she needed to run if necessary. "I am a man who has made-- mistakes, ones which left me without home or family to return to. I saw a way to pay some small recompense when you came upon me, I wished only to fix something which had been broken."
This story was full of holes, such as how he knew about their research or that the Bifrost had been broken at all. But it held as much truth as he could manage, and it was all he could offer her.
"I am sorry." Hard words to say, ones he rarely allowed past his lips. "I shall leave, you need not flee from me."
no subject
Where did his knowledge stem from? Who was he? What had he done to isolate himself so terribly, and was it something he might repeat and, in the process, hurt Darcy and Jane?
Mind traveling in circles, Darcy kept returning to the quiet moments they’d shared together. Leita had provided something she was hungry for without her consciously realizing it: legitimate respect. He spoke to her as an equal, listening to her input, taking it into consideration, never dismissing her out of hand no matter how ridiculous she got.
Logic insisted she was an idiot, and she had nothing but instinct to go on, but Darcy trusted him still. Damage had been done to that trust, perhaps irreparably, but Darcy of all people understood what it was like to be a fuck up.
She would also find no answers should she run, or if he left. There was a story he was not telling, and she wanted to hear it.
“Wait,” she said, impulsive as always. One hand clenched in a fist and then relaxed as she fought with herself, battling those terribly inconsistent parts of her that told her to do ten different things at once. Should she offer him a second chance?
Had anyone else ever bothered to do so?
Projecting her own issues onto Leita was a problem, but Darcy did so nonetheless, able to count on one hand how often she’d been given the opportunity. Being wronged in the past was no reason to forgive another person, but she had yet to forgive.
Sighing, Darcy dropped her keys on a side table and set her bag beside it. Leita had never harmed them, even when given ample opportunity. Why would he choose to do so now?
“Wait,” she repeated, wringing her hands together before forcing herself to stop. She tried to channel Jane, to be calm and collected and know all the right questions to ask, but her nerves got in the way. Finally, she fell back on the simplest.
“What is your real name?”
She was offering him a chance. Hopefully he would take it.
no subject
But he could not.
She may never understand why not, but he could not do it. He could not tell her the truth. She would turn from him at once, accusations and anger would follow, and he would be once more adrift. Worse, if he had to confront what happened to him, and his fall through the Void, he may not be the same man he was now when it all seeped out of him. He could feel an anger burn deep within, a bitterness over the lies told to him, and he dare not confront it.
"I am Leita."
His shoulders slumped just slightly and he moved to the side as if to step around her, as if to leave. He could not stay here now, he had blown his chance.
"Whoever I was before, I am that man no longer. His name is not mine to bear and may never be again, I asked only the opportunity to assist. Perhaps one day I shall have that opportunity again."
He swallowed, voice lower when he forced himself to continue.
"I cannot answer your questions, I am sorry."
no subject
“I’m afraid ‘I can’t answer’ isn’t good enough. You are not leaving here until you explain yourself.” She spoke rapidly, unwilling to let her mind catch up lest it insist that this was a terrible idea. “We took you in. We trusted you. We shared our home with you. You don’t get to make half-assed excuses and walk away like nothing ever happened.”
The thought of Darcy being able to physically bar Leita from leaving was laughable, yet she still crossed her arms, lifting her chin, as if daring him to defy her. Oh, she was angry, far, far more angry than frightened or concerned for her own well-being.
More telling, she was also hurt.
She liked Leita. Perhaps she’d been growing more fond of him than was wise, but there it was all the same. She’d grown attached only to have the rug pulled out from beneath her. Again. Would she ever learn? Life was not a fairy tale and it never would be. There was no prince charming or happily ever after. Just Darcy.
She took a shuddering breath, squaring her shoulders. Speaking more gently this time, she said, “You’re going to sit down and talk to me. Got it?”
no subject
Or he could sit down with her and speak.
He could try to find another lie that she would believe, it had to be more simple than telling her the truth. That was, after all, even more absurd than his lie had been. If he tried to tell her that he was an Asgardian, that he was the one responsible for all of this damage, she may well accuse him of lying. Either way, if she believed him or not, this would end in her enmity.
"You do not comprehend what it is you ask of me."
Loki remained where he stood, hands clenched into fists at his sides and a spark of anger appearing in his eyes. What right had SHIELD to ruin this for him? What right had Darcy to block his exit and demand further answers instead of letting him leave as he should?
"I have told you all that you need know. I am not the man I was, what name or home I held before is unimportant and irrelevant. I am Leita, a man with the knowledge to assist in your research and the desire to see it succeed. I wish you no harm, not now or in the future, can that not be enough? If no, then stand aside now, for there are no further answers I can give you."
But nor could he abandon her. Her or the research. Even if she stood aside, he would find a way back into their lives, back into being allowed to fix what he had broken.
no subject
Fear and disappointment were swiftly taking a backseat to anger. She needed to back away, cool off, approach this from another angle, but instead she launched headfirst into a potential argument.
"Don't be condescending. I do not comprehend...bull. Fucking. Shit. You lied to us, Leita. You lied to me. Look at this from my perspective. If nothing else, you owe me an explanation, and I know damn well sure that you have answers. What are you afraid of?"
Darcy laughed quietly, spreading her arms to indicate the flat itself, or perhaps the contents therein. "That you won't meet our standards? Give me a break. You've just spent, what, two months with us? After all that time, you can't bring yourself to tell me anything? Look dude, I don't care if you have family issues - join the fucking club - or if you failed out of college, or if you shoplifted as a kid. I'm not here to judge you.
"I just want..." Here, she faltered. What, exactly, did she want from him? He had admitted to his lie instead of doubling down. She sucked in a breath, letting her arms drop to her sides.
"...give me a reason to trust you."
no subject
The response came snapped out at once, the muscles in Loki's jaw tightened and tense with sudden anger of his own. His pride had suffered many blows in the last few months, and he had allowed concessions to it in order to maintain his cover, but this had been the final straw.
Rage burned white hot like a flash fire, fuelled from the issues that he had far from even started to work through yet. The anger of being passed over and mistrusted once more - that it was justified meant nothing - of answers being demanded of him that he did not want to give. He felt as though he had been found wanting once more.
No, Loki.
He heard the echo of Odin's voice in Darcy's final words, for there were no reasons he could give that she should trust him. She shouldn't. None of them should. And he was tired of pretending. He had blown his chance here, he would not gain his redemption or pay recompense with these people, and so why should he not leave with his pride in tact?
"I am Loki of Asgard."
He heard his own voice as if someone else were speaking, like a hollow ring of the bell. Loki of Asgard, was he truly still of Asgard? Yet something felt right in him saying it. Asgard was his birthright, why should it not be again? The anger she had incited in him fuelled those thoughts, gave voice to the bitterness that lay beneath the hurt.
"Is that the truth you wished to hear? Are you satisfied with your answers?"
Would she even believe them?
no subject
In fact, she could see, in retrospect, several aspects of him that Thor had mentioned being fond of.
Several gaping holes closed. If he truly was Loki, that explained how he knew so much about interstellar travel and Thor's hammer. But how had he gotten there? Thor had fallen from the sky, banished by his father, but that event had been preceded by anomalous readings and a storm.
Loki had simply appeared by the side of the road.
Her mouth opened and closed, then her eyes widened. "Oh," she said softly, one hand rising. "You...you're trapped here, aren't you? That's why you want to help Jane open up her bridge thing. You want to go home."
Way to misunderstand, Darcy.
no subject
After all, her only experience with Asgardians was Thor. Perfect, golden, boisterous Thor. She would be forgiven for looking at him and not seeing any familial resemblance; though, of course, now he knew why that was. He was not blood kin to Thor at all. Not to Odin, or Frigga, or any other Aesir in the whole cursed realm.
He was a cuckoo in the nest, a disguised monster. And he had proven himself that monster, hadn't he? Everything has slipped so far out of his control and all of his decisions seemed to have been miscalculations, and somehow it had ended with him pushed to the end of the line and hanging from the Bifrost that he had forced the destruction of.
He wanted to confession back as soon as it left his lips, a sort of feral panic rising in his eyes. He nearly reached out with his magic to see if he could undo it. He had some small skill in manipulating minds, especially mortal ones. But it was suggestion rather than outright alteration, he would be unlikely to make her forget. And if he did, then what? She would still want answers, and he would still be caught out.
"No."
His answer was too long in coming, and when it did it seemed to his own ears to be too quiet. His anger already draining away again to be replaced by a bone-deep ache of weariness. A desperation to undo this monumental mistake forced further lies from him, preceded by a brittle laugh.
"More lies, I am afraid, I did not think you would believe me. If I were of Asgard in truth, do you believe I would not have said something before now? It was a jest, I-- attempted only to lighten the tension between us."
His eyes fixed on her and hidden in them was a plea for her to buy this petty deception or, at least, to give him the dignity of pretending she did so that his secret need not be told.
no subject
Was it schizophrenia? Or no, wait, what was that other disorder call? Dissociative Identity? Was he severely mentally ill, completely overcome by his own personal delusions?
Having taken nothing more rigorous than an Intro to Psychology class, Darcy was not qualified to diagnose him. It did not escape her, however, that assigning him some random entry in the DSM was stretching things too far, which almost made her laugh hysterically because when had her life become so topsy-turvy that the most likely explanation was that her new roommate and science buddy was an alien from outer space?
Maybe she was the one who deserved to be restrained and locked in a padded room for the rest of her miserable existence.
“I have to tell Jane.”
It was out of her mouth before she could finish her thought, but she lifted her chin nonetheless.
“She needs to know. This is…” She spread her hands, trying to convey how far she was out of her depth. “I don’t get paid enough for this. I am going to assume that whole trying to kill your brother with a robot was a moment of lapsed judgment, since you’ve done nothing insane while here. At least that I’ve seen.”
Perhaps he really was trapped, seeking a way home, and his pride would not allow him to admit to it. Regardless, despite knowing better, ignoring every single warning bell in her brain replaying the ending to In The Mouth of Madness, only with her sitting in the theater instead of a broken Sam Neill, Darcy had already made the decision to at least attempt to put this back together.
“It makes sense now, how you know all this stuff, and your help has been invaluable. Jane really wants to open up a bridge to Asgard, and you’re probably the only person in the world who can help her do that.”
Overlooking the destruction of downtown Puente Antiguo, or whatever passed for downtown, would take some mental acrobatics, but the fact remained that Loki had had ample opportunity to harm them and had done nothing. If his intent was to torment his brother’s lady love, helping her with scientific discoveries was a shitty was to go about it.
Darcy took a deep breath. Another. Leaned against the wall. “We’ll figure it out, yeah?”
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Loki had suffered failed deceptions before, some of which had ended remarkably painfully for him, but rarely had someone seen through a lie and the continued so blithely with the truth as if he had not even spoken. It was embarrassing, a blow to his already fractured pride, and he found himself resenting her for just a moment or two.
The resentment, however, did not last long. It was subsumed too swiftly by the sheer panic that the thought of this spreading to others sent through him. He knew now that his actions had been wrong, had been fuelled by desperation and fear, but he could not face them. He could not face Asgard. Every time he thought that he may be able to, he saw Odin's face above him set in disappointment and indifference.
No, Loki.
Whatever he did now it would not be enough. He would never stand as Thor's equal, he would live his whole life in the shade of his brother's golden light. He would ever be aware of his true parentage and the monster that lurked beneath his skin, a Jotun, a lie his whole life. It made him sick with betrayal, it twisted his insides with a rage that frightened him for its intensity.
He did not know if he faced Thor again whether he would be able to keep himself from attacking once more.
"No, you must not tell her." Loki moved at once to stand between Darcy and the exit, his hands raised before him. "Jane Foster is a creature bound to Thor, she will not forgive my actions and she will tell him that I--" Still live. "--am here, on Midgard."
This situation seemed untenable, not salvageable. He should walk away now and disappear, he could slip through the branches of Yggdrasil to another world, another realm, and find his way there. It was foolish sentiment not to. An odd attachment that he had gained to these mortals and their defiance of their own frailty. He did not want to leave them. Fool.
"I wished only to assist anonymously to repair what I helped to break, I cannot return to Asgard." He swallowed hard, steeled himself to swallow his pride once more for necessity sake. "If there is any friendship between us, Darcy, I ask you not to do this."
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To consider lying.
To Jane.
And Erik. Couldn’t forget him.
Eyes narrowed, she tried to put together the story once more with the pieces she’d been given, coming up several short. Why would Loki want to avoid his brother knowing that he was on Earth? Hell, how had he gotten there in the first place? Perhaps when Thor returned to Asgard, they’d argued – attempted murder could put a kink in one’s relationship – and Loki flounced.
Or was cast out.
Evidently, Loki did not intend to give her the full story. She wanted so very much to understand what was going on and avoid making any critical mistakes. They would make absolutely no progress if they continued speaking over one another. They needed to come to some sort of agreement.
“You’re asking me to lie to Jane,” she said softly, absently fiddling with her fingers. Casting a glance towards the couch, she continued, slowly, “Will you at least explain yourself in greater detail? This is a kind of big thing thrown onto my shoulders and I have no freaking idea what to do. Jane trusts me. I’m willing to bet that if you asked her not to tell Thor anything, she’d listen. She’s really quite reasonable. But regardless.”
She pointed at him, regaining some of her courage.
“You got some explaining to do, boy, because I don’t have a clue what the hell is going on anymore. And if there is any friendship between us, Loki, you will help me understand so I can help.”
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But then, he had known she possessed intelligence beyond that which she chose to display. She had a perceptiveness about her which Jane Foster did not, for she remained a creature too interested in her work and too openly trusting. Darcy held more suspicion in her nature, something which allowed her to see more clearly through the lies told to the truth of a person.
Something Loki wished were not the case now.
Yet he felt a grudging respect for her as she turned his words against him so effectively, for now he was caught in a trap of his own making. He could not secure her silence without answers, and he must have her silence. For even if he left here, she would still inform Jane Foster, who would inform Thor, and all of Asgard would know of his survival. The only way to ensure her tongue remained still would be to kill her, an action he remained reluctant to take.
"Asgard believes me dead."
Four short words and yet they cut him to say as keenly as any blade. The rents they made in his composure allowed bitterness to seep through and show on the surface, an ugly frown marring his face.
"I should hate to prove their reason for revelry false, it would be better for all if they never learned of my continued existence."
He took a step towards her, his every muscle coiled in tension. This all touched on a raw nerve that he had been successfully keeping buried all this time, it brought to the surface all the things he had not yet even begun to deal with regarding his family and identity.
"What more is there important to say?"
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Wary, she took a half-step back, far too aware of his looming size. Even if it was not his intention to intimidate her into compliance, his height, his relative bulk, the tenseness to his shoulders, held enough of a promise of violence that she almost gave in just to ensure her own safety. Long enough for her to provide false reassurance and get the hell out of dodge before he decided that he did, indeed, want to harm her after all.
Except she was Darcy, and would always be Darcy.
“Seriously?” she practically exploded, gesticulating wildly. “Dude. You just said everyone in Asgard thinks you are dead, and you think there’s nothing important to tell? Why the hell do you think they’d be throwing parties and high fiving each other? I mean yeah, sure, you tried to kill Thor and did a lot of property damage here, but he’s your brother. And he thinks you’re dead?”
For all she knew, that was how temper tantrums were thrown on Asgard. Larger and more dramatic than anything that could possibly occur on Earth. Whereas someone with hurt feelings might run off and spitefully get drunk or have a ton of sex, on Asgard, they’d just invade other realms with robots and blast everything with lasers. Who was she to judge?
Besides, her curiosity was stronger than her sense of self-preservation.
She lifted her chin, even as she warred internally with the voice that begged her to bolt. “You keep busting out with these bombs and then try to sweep them under the rug and insist there’s nothing to see. Bullshit, Loki.” The name still felt foreign on her tongue; she’d very nearly called him Leita. “Stop being so squirrely. What do you have to lose by telling me what is going on? What can I possibly do to you?”
A sigh, soft and barely audible. “I want to help you,” she concluded lamely, a poor way to wrap up her irritation, anger, and fear into a bundle to offer him. “Whatever happened on Asgard, here, you’ve been a friend. Let’s work from there, yeah?”
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The absurdity of the whole situation hit him with those words and he began to laugh. A broken chuckle that became full hollow laughter, brittle and bitter and utterly without humour. This must be some cosmic jest with his life as the eternal punchline, to keep giving him hope and then forcing him to destroy it with his own hands.
"Very well, you are correct." His laughter petered off, though his smile was almost a snarl. "I have nothing left to lose."
Loki should sit. He could see that he intimidated her with his height and obvious distress, but he could not. He was too full of a restless and desperate energy that refused to be curbed. It spilled out of him in messy waves, it pushed his feet to pacing and his hands to twitching at his sides. No matter what he had said, even with nothing to lose, to speak of these things still felt like exposing a raw nerve.
So he chose to do it in the easiest way he knew how, as if telling a story about another person. Hiding the worst of it, minimising the damage to himself. "There were two princes of Asgard who were raised to believe the throne was their birthright. One was golden, brilliant, beloved by all, but arrogant and foolish. The other was-- not the first, and that was the only crime needed to make him the failure. His efforts turned to prove himself equal were doomed and came to naught, for how could he ever measure up to--"
Loki cut himself off for a moment as his voice began to tremble in anger, his knuckles white as his hands clenched into fists at his side. He exhaled deeply and continued in a calmer sort of voice, the same calm that might be seen on a smooth river with a dangerous tide waiting beneath.
"Even though the second prince did what was best for the realm and her people, he was still found wanting. His actions deemed a crime, his efforts--" No, Loki. "--insufficient. Until the day the King and his chosen heir threw the younger prince into an abyss to die." A lie, but he could not bear to say that he had let go. He could not touch the emotion of that moment, it burned to recollect. "But he did not die, he survived... somehow... He found himself upon another realm."
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