Loki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
throneenvy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fossilised2016-02-12 05:26 pm
throneenvy) wrote in fossilised2016-02-12 05:26 pm
Entry tags:
For Darcy
No, Loki.
Those words still rang in his ears even hours after they had been said, as though a bell tolling for his execution. He saw Odin's face with every blink of his eyes, disappointed and dispassionate, as though he cared nothing for the suffering of his younger son. No-- No, not son. He had made that mistake too many times, he was no Odinson, and to believe otherwise was to perpetuate the lie told to him his entire life. He would not be so foolish as to pin hope on those words said before the sleep took the All-Father, where he said he still saw Loki as his son, where the lies had been designed to protect him.
His actions since proved those false. Lies worthy of being told by the Silver-tongue himself.
Despite all Loki had done. Despite upholding his decision regarding Thor, despite proving the elder son had no right to the throne in his arrogance and stupidity, despite saving the sleeping king's life from a mortal enemy and slaughtering his own birth father for his sake, despite acting as a true ruler to destroy a realm that had declared war... still he was seen as wanting. His actions deemed as unworthy, even criminal. And Thor returned to the fold as worthy heir.
He had thought to die when he fell to the Void. He had hoped for once brief, brilliant moment that Odin or Thor would catch him. But they did not. They watched him fall as though they had tossed him to the abyss himself. But he had not died, he had somehow fallen through the gaps in shadow and landed in another realm. He knew at once that it was Midgard. It stank of the mortals, the air had that distinct sharpness that was only found here.
This was where Thor had become worthy once more.
Perhaps that was a sign. Perhaps he could reforge himself once more here on Midgard, perhaps-- or perhaps those were false hopes brought out by a shattered mind. He no longer knew himself if he were insane, and he found he did not care. He only wished to be alone and hidden until he thought through what he should do, until he found a place for himself once more. It was a matter of instinct to cloak himself from Heimdall's gaze, though he had little energy left and exhaustion tugged at his bones even with that small use of his magic.
He did not even have the energy to find one of the cities the mortals had built, scarce enough to even find one of their roads and sit beside him. He used the last of his magic to change his clothing into garb less likely to draw attention, simple black trousers and a neat shirt, before he sat in the dust and dirt and waited for one of their vehicles to pass by.
Loki required transportation, food, and rest. Then perhaps he could begin to make sense of what had happened and plan his next moves.
Those words still rang in his ears even hours after they had been said, as though a bell tolling for his execution. He saw Odin's face with every blink of his eyes, disappointed and dispassionate, as though he cared nothing for the suffering of his younger son. No-- No, not son. He had made that mistake too many times, he was no Odinson, and to believe otherwise was to perpetuate the lie told to him his entire life. He would not be so foolish as to pin hope on those words said before the sleep took the All-Father, where he said he still saw Loki as his son, where the lies had been designed to protect him.
His actions since proved those false. Lies worthy of being told by the Silver-tongue himself.
Despite all Loki had done. Despite upholding his decision regarding Thor, despite proving the elder son had no right to the throne in his arrogance and stupidity, despite saving the sleeping king's life from a mortal enemy and slaughtering his own birth father for his sake, despite acting as a true ruler to destroy a realm that had declared war... still he was seen as wanting. His actions deemed as unworthy, even criminal. And Thor returned to the fold as worthy heir.
He had thought to die when he fell to the Void. He had hoped for once brief, brilliant moment that Odin or Thor would catch him. But they did not. They watched him fall as though they had tossed him to the abyss himself. But he had not died, he had somehow fallen through the gaps in shadow and landed in another realm. He knew at once that it was Midgard. It stank of the mortals, the air had that distinct sharpness that was only found here.
This was where Thor had become worthy once more.
Perhaps that was a sign. Perhaps he could reforge himself once more here on Midgard, perhaps-- or perhaps those were false hopes brought out by a shattered mind. He no longer knew himself if he were insane, and he found he did not care. He only wished to be alone and hidden until he thought through what he should do, until he found a place for himself once more. It was a matter of instinct to cloak himself from Heimdall's gaze, though he had little energy left and exhaustion tugged at his bones even with that small use of his magic.
He did not even have the energy to find one of the cities the mortals had built, scarce enough to even find one of their roads and sit beside him. He used the last of his magic to change his clothing into garb less likely to draw attention, simple black trousers and a neat shirt, before he sat in the dust and dirt and waited for one of their vehicles to pass by.
Loki required transportation, food, and rest. Then perhaps he could begin to make sense of what had happened and plan his next moves.
no subject
He saw right through her. More lies would only further muddy the waters.
"I know you were never with SHIELD," she blurted out, wishing she didn't feel so cornered. Taking a deep breath, she faced him, raising her chin up in a challenge. "SHIELD has no idea who you are. Jane just called and told me."
She studied his face closely, hoping to gain some insight as to how he would respond. If with violence, well, she was pretty much screwed. Maybe she should have tried going out the window after all.
Or she should have shown some patience for once in her damn life. Leita would have eventually gone to bed, and then she'd be free as a kite.
No, that was high as a kite.
"Who are you?" she demanded after a moment, trying to bully her mind back on track.
no subject
The moment that those words left Darcy's lips, Loki's mind began to run on overdrive. There had to be a way to salvage this situation. It was with a mild sense of shame at his own idiocy for getting attached, that Loki realised that contemplating an end to these comfortable weeks of kindness and work made cold knots form in his stomach.
"Is that what you believe?"
He could not tell her the truth.
He could not tell any of them the truth. They would turn on him at once, and justifiably so from their perspective, as he would be the monster who had attacked their town and tried to kill his own brother. They loved Thor, Jane much more literally than the others, and they would doubtlessly take his side. Everyone always took his side.
"SHIELD make a business from secrets and lies, why should they not deny me? They would not want a terminated employee working alongside their newest allies, so what better way than to discredit me?"
Loki made his expression sorrowful; a subtle downturn of his lips, a clench to his jaw, and widening of his eyes. All calculated to make this performance as convincing as he possibly could.
"I suppose I should not be surprised you believe them over me. I am, after all, still merely a stranger. Though I had hoped us to have become friends."
no subject
Potentially dangerous.
Especially right now.
"We're not allies, we're business partners. SHIELD has no reason to lie about past associations. They have nothing to gain from it." She jabbed a finger in his direction, growing more bold, more reckless. "I thought we were friends too, but apparently you've been lying. And now you're trying to make me question SHIELD instead of you, which is exactly what a liar would do.
SHIELD wants this research to succeed, so any attempts to discredit someone who can assist makes absolutely no sense. According to Jane, not a single person in the room showed any recognition when they mentioned you, and she was there when they looked up the files. Jane's not about to just blindly trust them either."
Darcy paused for breath, her cheeks flushed. This was all too much. Everything from the moment Thor had crashed to earth had been a roller coaster of danger and insanity that left her questioning whether or not she should have ever applied for this damn position in the first place. Was six credit really worth nearly getting incinerated by a giant robot? Or having her home infiltrated by a crazy person?
She noticed that she was trembling, and quickly clasped her arms together, trying to hide that fact from Leita. She was frightened, discouraged, tired, and nearly overwhelmed, all things a predator might detect and use to his advantage.
Oh god, why was she thinking as if she was in the middle of a Discovery Channel special?
"Look, Leita, or whoever you are...just...come clean, dude."
no subject
His lie had shattered and now lay in pieces around his feet that could not be salvaged no matter how hard he tried to do so. Jane Foster had been clever in her questioning of SHIELD, making sure to double check the information for herself before she acted on it. But of course she had, she was a scientist and a brilliant one by Midgardian standards.
Loki's eyes widened for a moment, hurt and fear and anger all flashing quickly through before he managed to shutter himself down to a level of control once more.
"I have never been a member of the organisation SHIELD."
His confirmation of what she already knew was quiet. He noted her trembling, the way her body seemed caught between fight and flight, and yet her words and expression were so defiant. He found himself impressed by her courage and fortitude, which only made it worse that he would be losing her. All of this, all of them.
But he could not tell her the truth. It stuck in his throat like a physical obstruction and refused to leave his tongue. Not just for how she would view him, but because he had coped thus far by pushing down what had happened and not thinking too closely on it. If he had to speak of it, relive it, he may well crack beyond repair.
"I chose a lie that I believed would let me help you in your research, for that is all I wanted to do. I have never wished you ill and would not harm you, that you must believe." He took a step back from her as if to prove he would give her the space she needed to run if necessary. "I am a man who has made-- mistakes, ones which left me without home or family to return to. I saw a way to pay some small recompense when you came upon me, I wished only to fix something which had been broken."
This story was full of holes, such as how he knew about their research or that the Bifrost had been broken at all. But it held as much truth as he could manage, and it was all he could offer her.
"I am sorry." Hard words to say, ones he rarely allowed past his lips. "I shall leave, you need not flee from me."
no subject
Where did his knowledge stem from? Who was he? What had he done to isolate himself so terribly, and was it something he might repeat and, in the process, hurt Darcy and Jane?
Mind traveling in circles, Darcy kept returning to the quiet moments they’d shared together. Leita had provided something she was hungry for without her consciously realizing it: legitimate respect. He spoke to her as an equal, listening to her input, taking it into consideration, never dismissing her out of hand no matter how ridiculous she got.
Logic insisted she was an idiot, and she had nothing but instinct to go on, but Darcy trusted him still. Damage had been done to that trust, perhaps irreparably, but Darcy of all people understood what it was like to be a fuck up.
She would also find no answers should she run, or if he left. There was a story he was not telling, and she wanted to hear it.
“Wait,” she said, impulsive as always. One hand clenched in a fist and then relaxed as she fought with herself, battling those terribly inconsistent parts of her that told her to do ten different things at once. Should she offer him a second chance?
Had anyone else ever bothered to do so?
Projecting her own issues onto Leita was a problem, but Darcy did so nonetheless, able to count on one hand how often she’d been given the opportunity. Being wronged in the past was no reason to forgive another person, but she had yet to forgive.
Sighing, Darcy dropped her keys on a side table and set her bag beside it. Leita had never harmed them, even when given ample opportunity. Why would he choose to do so now?
“Wait,” she repeated, wringing her hands together before forcing herself to stop. She tried to channel Jane, to be calm and collected and know all the right questions to ask, but her nerves got in the way. Finally, she fell back on the simplest.
“What is your real name?”
She was offering him a chance. Hopefully he would take it.
no subject
But he could not.
She may never understand why not, but he could not do it. He could not tell her the truth. She would turn from him at once, accusations and anger would follow, and he would be once more adrift. Worse, if he had to confront what happened to him, and his fall through the Void, he may not be the same man he was now when it all seeped out of him. He could feel an anger burn deep within, a bitterness over the lies told to him, and he dare not confront it.
"I am Leita."
His shoulders slumped just slightly and he moved to the side as if to step around her, as if to leave. He could not stay here now, he had blown his chance.
"Whoever I was before, I am that man no longer. His name is not mine to bear and may never be again, I asked only the opportunity to assist. Perhaps one day I shall have that opportunity again."
He swallowed, voice lower when he forced himself to continue.
"I cannot answer your questions, I am sorry."
no subject
“I’m afraid ‘I can’t answer’ isn’t good enough. You are not leaving here until you explain yourself.” She spoke rapidly, unwilling to let her mind catch up lest it insist that this was a terrible idea. “We took you in. We trusted you. We shared our home with you. You don’t get to make half-assed excuses and walk away like nothing ever happened.”
The thought of Darcy being able to physically bar Leita from leaving was laughable, yet she still crossed her arms, lifting her chin, as if daring him to defy her. Oh, she was angry, far, far more angry than frightened or concerned for her own well-being.
More telling, she was also hurt.
She liked Leita. Perhaps she’d been growing more fond of him than was wise, but there it was all the same. She’d grown attached only to have the rug pulled out from beneath her. Again. Would she ever learn? Life was not a fairy tale and it never would be. There was no prince charming or happily ever after. Just Darcy.
She took a shuddering breath, squaring her shoulders. Speaking more gently this time, she said, “You’re going to sit down and talk to me. Got it?”
no subject
Or he could sit down with her and speak.
He could try to find another lie that she would believe, it had to be more simple than telling her the truth. That was, after all, even more absurd than his lie had been. If he tried to tell her that he was an Asgardian, that he was the one responsible for all of this damage, she may well accuse him of lying. Either way, if she believed him or not, this would end in her enmity.
"You do not comprehend what it is you ask of me."
Loki remained where he stood, hands clenched into fists at his sides and a spark of anger appearing in his eyes. What right had SHIELD to ruin this for him? What right had Darcy to block his exit and demand further answers instead of letting him leave as he should?
"I have told you all that you need know. I am not the man I was, what name or home I held before is unimportant and irrelevant. I am Leita, a man with the knowledge to assist in your research and the desire to see it succeed. I wish you no harm, not now or in the future, can that not be enough? If no, then stand aside now, for there are no further answers I can give you."
But nor could he abandon her. Her or the research. Even if she stood aside, he would find a way back into their lives, back into being allowed to fix what he had broken.
no subject
Fear and disappointment were swiftly taking a backseat to anger. She needed to back away, cool off, approach this from another angle, but instead she launched headfirst into a potential argument.
"Don't be condescending. I do not comprehend...bull. Fucking. Shit. You lied to us, Leita. You lied to me. Look at this from my perspective. If nothing else, you owe me an explanation, and I know damn well sure that you have answers. What are you afraid of?"
Darcy laughed quietly, spreading her arms to indicate the flat itself, or perhaps the contents therein. "That you won't meet our standards? Give me a break. You've just spent, what, two months with us? After all that time, you can't bring yourself to tell me anything? Look dude, I don't care if you have family issues - join the fucking club - or if you failed out of college, or if you shoplifted as a kid. I'm not here to judge you.
"I just want..." Here, she faltered. What, exactly, did she want from him? He had admitted to his lie instead of doubling down. She sucked in a breath, letting her arms drop to her sides.
"...give me a reason to trust you."
no subject
The response came snapped out at once, the muscles in Loki's jaw tightened and tense with sudden anger of his own. His pride had suffered many blows in the last few months, and he had allowed concessions to it in order to maintain his cover, but this had been the final straw.
Rage burned white hot like a flash fire, fuelled from the issues that he had far from even started to work through yet. The anger of being passed over and mistrusted once more - that it was justified meant nothing - of answers being demanded of him that he did not want to give. He felt as though he had been found wanting once more.
No, Loki.
He heard the echo of Odin's voice in Darcy's final words, for there were no reasons he could give that she should trust him. She shouldn't. None of them should. And he was tired of pretending. He had blown his chance here, he would not gain his redemption or pay recompense with these people, and so why should he not leave with his pride in tact?
"I am Loki of Asgard."
He heard his own voice as if someone else were speaking, like a hollow ring of the bell. Loki of Asgard, was he truly still of Asgard? Yet something felt right in him saying it. Asgard was his birthright, why should it not be again? The anger she had incited in him fuelled those thoughts, gave voice to the bitterness that lay beneath the hurt.
"Is that the truth you wished to hear? Are you satisfied with your answers?"
Would she even believe them?
no subject
In fact, she could see, in retrospect, several aspects of him that Thor had mentioned being fond of.
Several gaping holes closed. If he truly was Loki, that explained how he knew so much about interstellar travel and Thor's hammer. But how had he gotten there? Thor had fallen from the sky, banished by his father, but that event had been preceded by anomalous readings and a storm.
Loki had simply appeared by the side of the road.
Her mouth opened and closed, then her eyes widened. "Oh," she said softly, one hand rising. "You...you're trapped here, aren't you? That's why you want to help Jane open up her bridge thing. You want to go home."
Way to misunderstand, Darcy.
no subject
After all, her only experience with Asgardians was Thor. Perfect, golden, boisterous Thor. She would be forgiven for looking at him and not seeing any familial resemblance; though, of course, now he knew why that was. He was not blood kin to Thor at all. Not to Odin, or Frigga, or any other Aesir in the whole cursed realm.
He was a cuckoo in the nest, a disguised monster. And he had proven himself that monster, hadn't he? Everything has slipped so far out of his control and all of his decisions seemed to have been miscalculations, and somehow it had ended with him pushed to the end of the line and hanging from the Bifrost that he had forced the destruction of.
He wanted to confession back as soon as it left his lips, a sort of feral panic rising in his eyes. He nearly reached out with his magic to see if he could undo it. He had some small skill in manipulating minds, especially mortal ones. But it was suggestion rather than outright alteration, he would be unlikely to make her forget. And if he did, then what? She would still want answers, and he would still be caught out.
"No."
His answer was too long in coming, and when it did it seemed to his own ears to be too quiet. His anger already draining away again to be replaced by a bone-deep ache of weariness. A desperation to undo this monumental mistake forced further lies from him, preceded by a brittle laugh.
"More lies, I am afraid, I did not think you would believe me. If I were of Asgard in truth, do you believe I would not have said something before now? It was a jest, I-- attempted only to lighten the tension between us."
His eyes fixed on her and hidden in them was a plea for her to buy this petty deception or, at least, to give him the dignity of pretending she did so that his secret need not be told.
no subject
Was it schizophrenia? Or no, wait, what was that other disorder call? Dissociative Identity? Was he severely mentally ill, completely overcome by his own personal delusions?
Having taken nothing more rigorous than an Intro to Psychology class, Darcy was not qualified to diagnose him. It did not escape her, however, that assigning him some random entry in the DSM was stretching things too far, which almost made her laugh hysterically because when had her life become so topsy-turvy that the most likely explanation was that her new roommate and science buddy was an alien from outer space?
Maybe she was the one who deserved to be restrained and locked in a padded room for the rest of her miserable existence.
“I have to tell Jane.”
It was out of her mouth before she could finish her thought, but she lifted her chin nonetheless.
“She needs to know. This is…” She spread her hands, trying to convey how far she was out of her depth. “I don’t get paid enough for this. I am going to assume that whole trying to kill your brother with a robot was a moment of lapsed judgment, since you’ve done nothing insane while here. At least that I’ve seen.”
Perhaps he really was trapped, seeking a way home, and his pride would not allow him to admit to it. Regardless, despite knowing better, ignoring every single warning bell in her brain replaying the ending to In The Mouth of Madness, only with her sitting in the theater instead of a broken Sam Neill, Darcy had already made the decision to at least attempt to put this back together.
“It makes sense now, how you know all this stuff, and your help has been invaluable. Jane really wants to open up a bridge to Asgard, and you’re probably the only person in the world who can help her do that.”
Overlooking the destruction of downtown Puente Antiguo, or whatever passed for downtown, would take some mental acrobatics, but the fact remained that Loki had had ample opportunity to harm them and had done nothing. If his intent was to torment his brother’s lady love, helping her with scientific discoveries was a shitty was to go about it.
Darcy took a deep breath. Another. Leaned against the wall. “We’ll figure it out, yeah?”
no subject
Loki had suffered failed deceptions before, some of which had ended remarkably painfully for him, but rarely had someone seen through a lie and the continued so blithely with the truth as if he had not even spoken. It was embarrassing, a blow to his already fractured pride, and he found himself resenting her for just a moment or two.
The resentment, however, did not last long. It was subsumed too swiftly by the sheer panic that the thought of this spreading to others sent through him. He knew now that his actions had been wrong, had been fuelled by desperation and fear, but he could not face them. He could not face Asgard. Every time he thought that he may be able to, he saw Odin's face above him set in disappointment and indifference.
No, Loki.
Whatever he did now it would not be enough. He would never stand as Thor's equal, he would live his whole life in the shade of his brother's golden light. He would ever be aware of his true parentage and the monster that lurked beneath his skin, a Jotun, a lie his whole life. It made him sick with betrayal, it twisted his insides with a rage that frightened him for its intensity.
He did not know if he faced Thor again whether he would be able to keep himself from attacking once more.
"No, you must not tell her." Loki moved at once to stand between Darcy and the exit, his hands raised before him. "Jane Foster is a creature bound to Thor, she will not forgive my actions and she will tell him that I--" Still live. "--am here, on Midgard."
This situation seemed untenable, not salvageable. He should walk away now and disappear, he could slip through the branches of Yggdrasil to another world, another realm, and find his way there. It was foolish sentiment not to. An odd attachment that he had gained to these mortals and their defiance of their own frailty. He did not want to leave them. Fool.
"I wished only to assist anonymously to repair what I helped to break, I cannot return to Asgard." He swallowed hard, steeled himself to swallow his pride once more for necessity sake. "If there is any friendship between us, Darcy, I ask you not to do this."
no subject
To consider lying.
To Jane.
And Erik. Couldn’t forget him.
Eyes narrowed, she tried to put together the story once more with the pieces she’d been given, coming up several short. Why would Loki want to avoid his brother knowing that he was on Earth? Hell, how had he gotten there in the first place? Perhaps when Thor returned to Asgard, they’d argued – attempted murder could put a kink in one’s relationship – and Loki flounced.
Or was cast out.
Evidently, Loki did not intend to give her the full story. She wanted so very much to understand what was going on and avoid making any critical mistakes. They would make absolutely no progress if they continued speaking over one another. They needed to come to some sort of agreement.
“You’re asking me to lie to Jane,” she said softly, absently fiddling with her fingers. Casting a glance towards the couch, she continued, slowly, “Will you at least explain yourself in greater detail? This is a kind of big thing thrown onto my shoulders and I have no freaking idea what to do. Jane trusts me. I’m willing to bet that if you asked her not to tell Thor anything, she’d listen. She’s really quite reasonable. But regardless.”
She pointed at him, regaining some of her courage.
“You got some explaining to do, boy, because I don’t have a clue what the hell is going on anymore. And if there is any friendship between us, Loki, you will help me understand so I can help.”
no subject
But then, he had known she possessed intelligence beyond that which she chose to display. She had a perceptiveness about her which Jane Foster did not, for she remained a creature too interested in her work and too openly trusting. Darcy held more suspicion in her nature, something which allowed her to see more clearly through the lies told to the truth of a person.
Something Loki wished were not the case now.
Yet he felt a grudging respect for her as she turned his words against him so effectively, for now he was caught in a trap of his own making. He could not secure her silence without answers, and he must have her silence. For even if he left here, she would still inform Jane Foster, who would inform Thor, and all of Asgard would know of his survival. The only way to ensure her tongue remained still would be to kill her, an action he remained reluctant to take.
"Asgard believes me dead."
Four short words and yet they cut him to say as keenly as any blade. The rents they made in his composure allowed bitterness to seep through and show on the surface, an ugly frown marring his face.
"I should hate to prove their reason for revelry false, it would be better for all if they never learned of my continued existence."
He took a step towards her, his every muscle coiled in tension. This all touched on a raw nerve that he had been successfully keeping buried all this time, it brought to the surface all the things he had not yet even begun to deal with regarding his family and identity.
"What more is there important to say?"
no subject
Wary, she took a half-step back, far too aware of his looming size. Even if it was not his intention to intimidate her into compliance, his height, his relative bulk, the tenseness to his shoulders, held enough of a promise of violence that she almost gave in just to ensure her own safety. Long enough for her to provide false reassurance and get the hell out of dodge before he decided that he did, indeed, want to harm her after all.
Except she was Darcy, and would always be Darcy.
“Seriously?” she practically exploded, gesticulating wildly. “Dude. You just said everyone in Asgard thinks you are dead, and you think there’s nothing important to tell? Why the hell do you think they’d be throwing parties and high fiving each other? I mean yeah, sure, you tried to kill Thor and did a lot of property damage here, but he’s your brother. And he thinks you’re dead?”
For all she knew, that was how temper tantrums were thrown on Asgard. Larger and more dramatic than anything that could possibly occur on Earth. Whereas someone with hurt feelings might run off and spitefully get drunk or have a ton of sex, on Asgard, they’d just invade other realms with robots and blast everything with lasers. Who was she to judge?
Besides, her curiosity was stronger than her sense of self-preservation.
She lifted her chin, even as she warred internally with the voice that begged her to bolt. “You keep busting out with these bombs and then try to sweep them under the rug and insist there’s nothing to see. Bullshit, Loki.” The name still felt foreign on her tongue; she’d very nearly called him Leita. “Stop being so squirrely. What do you have to lose by telling me what is going on? What can I possibly do to you?”
A sigh, soft and barely audible. “I want to help you,” she concluded lamely, a poor way to wrap up her irritation, anger, and fear into a bundle to offer him. “Whatever happened on Asgard, here, you’ve been a friend. Let’s work from there, yeah?”
no subject
The absurdity of the whole situation hit him with those words and he began to laugh. A broken chuckle that became full hollow laughter, brittle and bitter and utterly without humour. This must be some cosmic jest with his life as the eternal punchline, to keep giving him hope and then forcing him to destroy it with his own hands.
"Very well, you are correct." His laughter petered off, though his smile was almost a snarl. "I have nothing left to lose."
Loki should sit. He could see that he intimidated her with his height and obvious distress, but he could not. He was too full of a restless and desperate energy that refused to be curbed. It spilled out of him in messy waves, it pushed his feet to pacing and his hands to twitching at his sides. No matter what he had said, even with nothing to lose, to speak of these things still felt like exposing a raw nerve.
So he chose to do it in the easiest way he knew how, as if telling a story about another person. Hiding the worst of it, minimising the damage to himself. "There were two princes of Asgard who were raised to believe the throne was their birthright. One was golden, brilliant, beloved by all, but arrogant and foolish. The other was-- not the first, and that was the only crime needed to make him the failure. His efforts turned to prove himself equal were doomed and came to naught, for how could he ever measure up to--"
Loki cut himself off for a moment as his voice began to tremble in anger, his knuckles white as his hands clenched into fists at his side. He exhaled deeply and continued in a calmer sort of voice, the same calm that might be seen on a smooth river with a dangerous tide waiting beneath.
"Even though the second prince did what was best for the realm and her people, he was still found wanting. His actions deemed a crime, his efforts--" No, Loki. "--insufficient. Until the day the King and his chosen heir threw the younger prince into an abyss to die." A lie, but he could not bear to say that he had let go. He could not touch the emotion of that moment, it burned to recollect. "But he did not die, he survived... somehow... He found himself upon another realm."
no subject
Surprise flickered across her face. What sounded at first to be nothing more than a severe case of sibling rivalry had culminated in an almost unbelievable basket of what the fuck. Sure, she’d only known Thor for a matter of days, but it was nigh impossible to imagine him retaliating to such an extreme.
And yet, Loki had attempted to kill him. How much did Darcy really know about Thor, or any Asgardians? Come to think of it, though Thor had mentioned being banished from Asgard, he’d never gone into detail as to the specifics of his punishment, at least not where she could hear. Had he confided in Jane? How much more was there to this story? What was Loki holding back?
And what in the world gave her the impression he was hiding anything from her?
Well, aside from the fact that he’d lied through his teeth the entire time he’d been with them, so smoothly that he had successfully duped both of the women. He very well could have invented this story on the spot and she would be none the wiser.
“So you’re saying Thor thinks he killed you.” That, at least, made Loki’s desire for secrecy understandable. Should Thor discover that he had failed, he might make additional attempts on his life. As much as Thor seemed to care about collateral damage, Darcy did not want her safety or Jane’s to rely on that assumption. “But surely someone is looking for you, someone is mourning…”
Loki seemed the type to prefer solitude to socialization, but she could not imagine that every single person in Asgard hated him. Darcy found him enjoyable to be around, and as far as she could tell, Jane liked him well enough.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
She couldn’t shake her suspicion, not when there were still so many holes in his story. Not when her trust had been breached.
“And can you please stop pacing? You’re making me nervous. If you punch holes in the walls, we will lose our security deposit.”
no subject
Loki snapped the word out to cut off her rambling and further probing questions. Hatred and anger glittered in his eyes and for a moment, again, he seriously considered disposing of her. She was a mere mortal, she would only live another handful of years even if he did not take her life, it would be no great loss.
His fingers twitched as if to summon a dagger to him, but the weapon remained in the ether.
To think of killing her raised other thoughts that stymied that action. Memories of cups of coffee left by his elbow, of random gifts appearing in the room he had been allowed to keep through sheer kindness, of interested eyes turned up to him as he explained another theory.
"You have asked and been answered, what more do you wish to be told? I have lived over a thousand years and do not have the patience to tell you every tale lest you believe you have missed something."
It was enough.
Loki had spoken of all he felt able to surrounding the reasons and circumstances of his expulsion from Asgard. No matter what small fondness he had come to hold for these mortals, nothing would drag the rest from his lips. He could not tell a soul of the truth of his heritage, of the monster beneath his skin, of the betrayal and the lies, and of the moment he realised he would never be enough.
"None mourn, none seek."
Of that he was certain.
"I would not have their misconceptions to my survival proven false. I wished only to assist in mending what has been broken through-- mistakes."
no subject
Her thoughts turned practical, analytical. Gauging the distance between her and the nearest exit, determining how quickly she could flee before being overtaken. Noted that her keys and her bag – her cell phone, her best method of communication – was out of reach. It would take additional time to scoop them up, offering him a greater chance to react.
How strong was he? Would a locked door stop him? She might have a better chance of barricading herself in her bedroom, but unless she managed to snatch up her bag, she would be left with no way to let Jane know she needed help. Fighting him was out of the question. Darcy was scrappy, but knew better than to think she could take him on.
Gradually, her vision cleared, and she focused more on diffusing the current situation long enough to escape, or at least seek solitude to mull over her options. She reminded herself, again and again, that if Loki meant them any harm, he would have executed that nefarious plan well before his identity was discovered. It was quite possible that he legitimately just wanted to assist Jane with her research in some misguided attempt to right a few wrongs.
None mourn, none seek.
In the end, it was those four words that swayed her. Loki could be wrong, but regardless, she could not imagine the sheer loneliness he must feel. Cut off from everything and everyone that he knew, with the assumption that his death was worthy of a parade, and only Jane’s research to focus on. His temper was a dangerous thing, yet this was clearly an emotional topic for him.
She took a deep breath. She needed to hand control of the situation back to him. With luck, that would calm him down. Palms sticky, she wiped them on her shirt, relaxed her posture.
“What do I tell Jane?”
Best to tackle each problem individually, at least for the moment. Further questioning would have to wait. She could do this. Hell, they might never succeed in opening a pathway to Asgard, or perhaps discover another realm entirely. All she had to do was play it cool, and pretend he was still Leita.
“She’ll probably call again soon, wanting to know if I’m okay.”
no subject
Something twisted inside his chest, painful and sudden, when panic overtook her features. He should not be surprised. So it had been since he had grown old enough to realise his intelligence outweighed all of those around him, since his love for jest and subterfuge caused those around him to begin to view him with distrust and then fear. It should not bother him that she now feared him too, she was just a petty mortal girl who had befriended a lie.
The gifts, the casual smiles, the companionship had been for Leita. Not Loki. Now the truth was uncovered, those seeds of friendship had withered with them. He was not fool enough to think all would go unchanged.
For a single moment something weary and hurt flashes in his eyes before they shutter into unreadable, his expression smooth. It is of no consequence if he has lost friends here, for they were never his friends. They belonged to an act and so he will shrug them off as easily as he shrugs off the illusion of being someone other than himself.
"Then you must reassure her that you are unhurt and unmolested by the liar in your midst."
Loki spread his hands as if to indicate that she was, indeed, unhurt and that he did not intend to change that in the immediate future. He also, finally, took a seat on the edge of one of the couch cushions. He would need to be ready to flee the moment she betrayed him, for he had no doubt that she eventually would.
"Perhaps tell her that I was a student of physics elsewhere and suffered expulsion, shame to admit as such drove me to lie when I was discovered. My knowledge of SHIELD and Mjolnir came from being in proximity to the drop site recently."
no subject
Slowly, as if to reassure him that she wasn’t pulling a weapon or attempting to harm him in any way, she grabbed her bag and withdrew her phone, unlocking it. No frantic messages, thank goodness. Jane was providing her with time to do what she needed to do, though she was undoubtedly pacing or otherwise expending energy until she heard from Darcy. Breathing steadily, evenly, the notion of what she was getting herself into sounding less and less like the stupidest possible idea on the planet, Darcy calmly sent Jane a text.
Concise. Succinct. Completely unlike her, but necessary in this case. Reassured Jane that she was safe, that ‘Leita’ was not a danger to either of them, that she was working things out and would call ASAP as soon as she had answers or needed help. Even took a quick, smiling selfie and sent it as additional reassurance.
That task completed, she set the phone aside and faced Loki once more. They would need to settle on a story before Jane lost her patience and came looking for them, SHIELD goons in tow.
“How about this? Your name really is Leita – it’s easier than introducing something new, and it means I am less likely to slip up – and you are from Asgard. No one special, and you’re not entirely sure how you wound up here, but you have some knowledge of magic and science and wish to return home. That will neatly explain how you know anything about Thor’s hammer and space travel, as well as why you’re helping Jane.” Sprinkle truth in with lies, just enough keep things entirely believable. The only problem was Darcy.
She wasn’t accustomed to lying, especially not on a regular basis, and not to someone she liked and trusted as much as Jane. There was the constant threat that she would slip up and not be quick enough to cover it up. Loki had to realize the plan was precarious and only partially in his control. With luck, he would be able to improve upon her invented story to the point that he was comfortable placing that much trust in her.
They had been friends, hadn’t they? They’d been growing rather close, in her opinion. If even a fraction of that transferred over, everything would go smoothly, barring unforeseen problems cropping up. Hell, Darcy now had the opportunity to get to know an actual god, brother to Thor, and learn more about Asgard than anyone else on the planet. Such knowledge was potentially dangerous, but it wasn’t like SHIELD gave a damn about her existence outside of her tenuous connection to Thor and as long as she could keep her mouth shut, she should be fine.
Darcy was impressed by the mental acrobatics she was going through to convince herself this was all well and good. Just another day in the life of a normal human being.
no subject
There were no better liars than Loki. He had made an art from it, a delicate dance of manipulation so that he could be all things to all people depending on what suited his purposes at the time. Darcy, however, was clearly not a natural liar. He could see it in the nervous shine to her eyes and the twist of her fingers around the cellular phone she kept tight in her grip. She kept secrets but she did not lie, a distinction where the line became blurred and yet was as stark as night and day.
"That lie will not work." It was a firm and cold statement, though the weary set to Loki's shoulders suggested how little he had looked forward to this conversation. How much he had dreaded the moment his lies were exposed. "Jane will no doubt inform Thor of the Asgardian who assisted her when they are reunited, none are permitted upon Midgard without the word of Odin All-Father. It will surely start a hunt or be seen for the falsehood it is."
Nor did he wish to go home. If, indeed, Asgard could even be called his home any longer. Was not Jotunheim his true home? Did he not belong in the wastes of ice and snow with the other monsters? One hand raised to the other to touch involuntarily at the pale skin there, as if to feel the blue that lurked beneath. Like a cuckoo in jay's feathers, a creature masquerading as something golden and bright.
Erik Selvig already suspected he was more than he let on. He knew the myths better than most, he spoke with the sound of the old country on his tongue, it would be dangerous to place him as an Asgardian.
"We shall tell her that I lied, for I wished to become a SHIELD scientist and did not wish to admit I had simply spied upon them instead. I knew of Asgard and Mjolnir from my own research and the information I gleaned from watching the SHIELD operatives work, I became stranded in the desert after Mjolnir decimated the base in an attempt to return to its master."
no subject
What, exactly, were his long-term plans?
There was still too much she did not understand, too much she could not account for. How in the world were they going to pull this off? Would she actually be able to cover his ass long enough for Jane to stop being suspicious? What about Erik? Jane often grew myopic when she was buried in research, but Erik had a keen mind and a sharp eye. He'd be able to tell if Darcy was acting out of sorts, and she wasn't entirely certain she could put him off with reassurances and lies.
Laughing quietly, Darcy rubbed at her face. Her life would make a decent book, and she would even be able to market it as fiction if she smudged enough details. Except for SHIELD, who would see right through her ruse and probably toss her sorry ass in jail for eternity. Damn, they were a bother.
"This is a mess," she lamented as she turned away, heading into the living room. She threw herself down on the couch dramatically, covering her eyes with one arm, the other waving about in the air. "We'll figure something out. Jane will want to know how you spied on SHIELD. Hell, SHIELD will want to know how you spied on SHIELD."
Suddenly, she bolted upright, looking around in alarm. Quietly, as if lowering her voice would make a damn bit of difference, she said, "What if this place is already bugged?"
Hello, paranoia.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)