fossilised | it's a new plot!

"You've been living in this future for a few years now, Steve, why didn't you--? You've never been afraid to be who you are, not even back when who you were was an artist and not a boxer. You must'a known it was okay now, so why?"

Why hide it?

He didn't like that look in Steve's eyes, as if Bucky had just shown him a whole feast of his favourite food and then locked it away so that he couldn't have a taste. Part of him might have thought he was jealous of Bucky stepping out with Tony, but that couldn't be it, he couldn't be so egotistical as to think two men might want him.

Tony might see differently, if he were still watching. The way they were looking at each other wasn't just the stare of best friends that had been apart too long, even if both of them were too stupid to admit it.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard, Buck, but it’s not that easy. It’s legal, half of this country says that they don’t mind but it’s not ease. And I’ve been pretty much in one form of trouble with the law or another. And not getting any of the references—” It made Steve laugh as he relaxed, eyes softly taking in everything that stood in front of him. Everything had changed between them, Steve felt like he actually had the right to look now. And that was a dangerous thing, but he was no stranger to heartache. “It’s not like I have a lot of time to date when I’ve been looking for you since I found out that you were alive.”

He shrugged. Steve might have never been ashamed of himself for most things, but when God came into the picture and he’d learned from a young age that what he wanted went against God?

Well a young patriot did his best not to sin.

“No one knows. Well, outside of liberal art schools, no one even guesses. They got ahold of some of my sketch books when I went into the ice.” Sketchbooks that the internet had digitally cached if Bucky wanted to go looking.

"It's not?"

Bucky's brows drew together in concern, and the fragile state of his smiling self became all too evident. The blank mask was quick to take control, the shadows in his eyes that never fully disappeared because more prevalent again. Had Tony lied to him? Why would he do that?

"Tony told me that everyone was okay with it now, that it wasn't a sin any more. He laughed at me when I said it was something to hide."

But had that been a lie? Steve seemed to think that the world still wasn't too accepting about it, and he felt a pit in his stomach at the idea that he might just have forced Steve into revealing something he really wasn't comfortable with.

“Maybe it’s easier when you’re rich and no one cares what you do and who you are…or when they expect it of you.” Steve shrugged. “It’s better than it was. Men can marry men and women can marry women. Legally. It’s… It’s still hard for me to accept it. Church did a number on us, pal. I don’t know what to believe. Not all sins are crimes. Not all crimes are sins. You just have to follow your own truth.”

Steve was never this esoteric but he couldn’t not try to explain where he stood versus what Bucky needed in his life right now.

He saw Bucky shut down and he moved immediately to grip the man’s arm. “It’s never, never a sin to love who you love, or to show your love to that person. I’ve never felt that way. I never will.” He squeezed a little to tightly, but he didn’t do it to hurt the man. He just wanted him to really look at him when he said this. “Tony didn’t grow up how we grew up, Buck. He’s lucky like that. He doesn’t have the hangups we do. Don’t let me ruin anything for you.”

"What if it is, Steve?"

Hearing that the world wasn't actually as okay with it as Tony had made out did a number on him, though the pressure of Steve's grip kept him somewhat grounded. It was all that he could do to keep himself anchored to this precarious sense of self, he didn't have enough left to vet what he was saying before it tumbled out of his lips, and so it all just came.

"What if it's still a sin, I don't feel like a good guy like this. I love Tony, he makes me feel safe and my stomach has butterflies when we touch. But I want to kiss you too. Doesn't that make me the kind of deviant the priests always said guys like me are? That's what they said in Russia. They found out what I liked, they said-- fuck, Steve. Fuck."

He was spiralling just a little bit now, a little ashamed with how easy it was for him to slide backwards, but mostly just sick to his stomach and scared with the sort of disgusting creature he was turning out to be. A guy didn't have two people he loved, that wasn't right.

I want to kiss you too.

Steve couldn’t let that cloud him right now. He couldn’t when he felt Bucky spirally out of control and it scared him. “Hey-- It’s not. Just because not everyone agrees with you-- Well that’s like saying everyone has to agree with everything you think or you feel and that’s just not gonna happen, pal. What happened in Russia— That was evil. That had nothing to do with love. It’s about power and control and that is a sin. Forcing anyone to do anything is a sin. But you just told me he makes you feel safe.”

He felt like crying, he felt like shouting at Bucky that he could make him feel safe too, but he didn’t. He wasn’t going to ruin such a good thing Bucky had.

“And you love him-- And you love me too, right, but that’s because we’re brothers. We’re still brothers. Always will be, forever. And nothing that you’re feeling right now is a sin. I swear to you, Bucky. I swear that you’re a good guy, you’re the best damned guy I know. You’re not any more of a deviant than I am, and I don’t think I am at all.”

Brothers. God that just made everything worse, because he did want to kiss Steve and only a monster would want to kiss their own brother that way. That was something that definitely wouldn't have changed in the past few decades, and nor should it, familial love shouldn't be sexual at all.

He looked back at Steve out of wide eyes that were full of fear and vulnerability, confused as to the best course of action with no way of figuring out what to do for the best. He didn't want to run, but every moment of standing here was making him feel worse.

"You're wrong, god, Steve, you're wrong. I'm nothing like you, I'm-- I'm evil. Let go, let go of me."

He didn't want this to turn into a fight, but he could feel it heading that way. Steve was the good guy, he loved one person at a time and tried to love women, Bucky was a deviant who wanted to kiss his own damn brother even while he was stepping out with someone else that he loved.

Up where Tony was working on creating the old strain of extinct bananas, FRIDAY pulled up screens to show this last bit of the argument as a silent suggestion that maybe now might be the right time to get involved.

FRIDAY didn’t need to do that. Tony had been listening, and watching, because he was a horrible human being, curious about what they were talking about, and because he wanted to keep tabs on Bucky even while he was trying to learn biochemistry. The guy was fragile. So yes. He’d been listening, and his heart was breaking but there was nothing to be done about it. He’d never stand in James’ way for anything he could have, but he wasn’t going to let him sink into this particular blackness either.

He didn’t exactly hurry down the stairs, but he didn’t take his time either. Steve had, by then, already released his hold on Bucky, eyes wide as he did his best to smooth over whatever he’d said. Tony cleared his throat. “Wow, ten minutes and you’re already at each other’s throats,” he said, hands in his pockets so he wouldn’t touch Bucky on purpose or accidentally. “Might be time for you to take a breather in another room, Rogers.”

He’d worked so hard with Bucky, he’d been so patient, and all it took was this guy who had way more of a history than he’d ever have confessing his deepest and darkest secret to turn that upside down.

Steve noded, swallowing. “Yeah-- Yeah, I’m sorry… I’ll—”

“Just down that way. Bathroom. Kitchen. Enjoy yourself,” Tony said quickly before he glanced at James and tilted his head. “You all right?”

Steve looked more than a little desperate and heartbroken as he turned and left for the kitchen, his back ramrod straight with guilt. He felt like he got his best friend back for all of ten minutes and then managed to ruin it, he was a total mess and he wanted to cry in a corner somewhere.

Bucky watched him leave and then snapped his gaze to Tony, a part of his hindbrain really appreciating that he kept his hands in his pockets to not spook him and didn't seem to be looking at him with any judgement despite what he must have been hearing.

"No." No. No. How could he be alright? "I made a mistake, I can't do this. I love you, and I love Steve, I didn't realise it until right now, I swear. But that's like wanting to kiss your brother, and wanting to kiss two people at the same time, it ain't right. You're better than that, and I'm--"

Wrong. Fundamentally wrong.

“You’re not related,” Tony said with a softness no one would ever believe could come from him except maybe Pepper and his AIs. “Pretty sure you’re taking his words out of context. I mean jeez, you’re really not perceptive are you?” He had to joke to downplay how hurt he felt. There was exactly zero choice in the matter as it was. Love was a stupid thing. Love made you put other people before yourself. Tony hated it. “God’s gift to humanity stood there looking at you like you were the answer to everything in his life. He called you a brother because he wants you. Obviously he doesn’t want to split what you’ve got, right? So what’s the best way to let s guy down? You tell him you think of him as family. Oldest trick in the book. And you should know that book. You probably wrote it.”

Tony leaned on the opposite side of the window from where Steve had been leaning, body turned towards Bucky instead of away from it.

“Listen to me, okay? I love you. And if you want to kiss someone else, I’m all right with it. There’s no reason we have to be exclusive. Rogers has his own hang ups and I can appreciate them but don’t take any of them at face value. Nothing is ever black and white.”

Tony might be trying to hide that he was hurt, but Bucky wasn't a damn moron, he could tell when someone was hurting, usually because he was the one who made it happen. And he was doing it again, what made him think that it was okay to spout off to the guy that he was tentatively with, about being in love with another guy? He didn't know a single person that wouldn't kick off about that, and they'd be in their rights to.

Not exclusive... not exclusive. He barked a sudden and not at all amused laugh, brittle and vicious, as he took a step back.

"That's not right, Tony. Maybe the world lets a man be with a man now, but love is still one person with one person. It's cheating otherwise, it's everything that they always taught us about being queer. That's it's immoral and people who go down that path become immoral too."

He stepped up close to Tony all at once, right into his personal space, eyes the same colour as the ocean below fixing on deep brown ones with fervent earnestness.

"I'm so sorry."

“Stop thinking you’re back in the 40s.” Tony couldn’t stop himself from lightly touching Bucky’s cheek. He was in his space after all. He was allowed to touch what was so close to him. He found that smooth cheek so strange. No whiskers at all. He knew that was part of what one of those assholes had done to him. His follicles had been removed.

“I think we need to have a Netflix night,” he murmured. “You have a lot of documentaries to watch about gay rights and culture.”

He refrained from kissing him right now. He was still too hurt that the moment Rogers became available, he wanted him more. Story of his life. He tucked some hair behind Bucky’s ear and then dropped his hand.

“But first I think you have to make sure Cap isn’t blaming himself for this. Guy was just trying to do his best. Talk him down from that ledge and then I’ll talk you down from yours.”

Edited 2017-12-05 22:10 (UTC)

"I can't."

He had no idea what he would say because this was all too bogged up in his mind. He loved Tony and he loved Steve, they both filled different places in his heart and different things that helped him feel safe and whole. But that was selfish and weird and so very sinful, so he took a half step back from Tony.

...and then all of a sudden wasn't there any more, just a blur of hoodie and jeans as he fled the room and up to his bedroom, leaving Tony to deal with Steve if he were feeling generous enough to do so.

The blond man was in the kitchen, stirring a pot of hot water that he'd totally forgotten to add a tea bag to and hadn't noticed yet, brow furrowed in heartache and guilt.

“Ja— Damn it. Wonderful. Really.” Tony pressed his fingers against his forehead, the static back rustling through his ears. Stress always did it. Stress always made the voices return, as if he didn’t have enough to worry about. He thought about following the other man, but he didn’t. Things were already good and fucked. What else could he do?

Tony exhaled slowly through his nose and sighed before he headed back to the kitchen. He watched Steve for a few very long moments before he shook his head. This wasn’t Rogers’ fault. Well. It was. It was all Rogers’ fault but he couldn’t help it.

Tony crossed his arms and cleared his throat until the other man glanced his way.

“How do you deal with a guy who things his feelings make him evil? Because I suck at this. More than you suck st making tea.”

Steve jerked when he heard a voice, and then looked incredibly guilty, as if he had actually been having an affair with another man's wife. He needed to bury this deep deep down, because Buck already said that he was stepping out with Tony and he didn't have the right to ruin any kind of happiness he had found. He would have been content with being his next door neighbour and best friend if they'd both married women back in the forties, he would make himself content with this now.

"He's not evil."

Not that Tony had been saying he was.

"I don't know how to make him see that, but I think I made it worse. Tony-- is what he said true? Are you two-- uh, you know?"

“We are. I think he might just see me as someone safe to latch onto though. It’s... it’s what I used to do.” And still did. Anyone that genuinely seemed to want him, not just for sex or for his money or for insider trading information, was someone Tony Stark latched onto. It wasn’t fair to Bucky to say it that way but he couldn’t stop the way he felt. He saw those looks the two exchanged. “I told him that I’m not planning on holding him back. He can see whomever he wants.”

That probably wasn’t what Steve wanted though. He guessed that these guys didn’t do casual.

But Tony was too messed up to have anything meaningful.

He winced slightly as this scene was momentarily overlaid with one where Rogers was coming out of a bed and breakfast bathroom in just a towel.

Shit. He didn’t need this right now.

“You’ve been carrying a torch for him for a really long time, Cap. Not my place to get in the way of that. I can still keep him safe.”

"I'm not carrying a torch for him."

At least he managed to sound convincing, even if there was the shadow of hurt in big blue eyes. A better lie than he usually could manage, because this lie wasn't for himself, it was to protect someone who had always been more important than himself.

"And if you want to be casual with him, then you say it now and spare him the heartache. I know Bucky, and that-- that man who spoke to me in there was my Buck. He doesn't say he loves someone just anytime. If he's with you, then he's there for the long haul, so you've gotta decide if that's what you want too."

Somehow this had turned into the shovel talk.

"You have a good man inside you, Tony. It doesn't always show, but I'm asking you-- begging you, to dig deep and be that man for Bucky. If you care about him as much as he said he cares for you, then I'm happy for you both."

“I don’t like to share.” Tony said that without meaning to sound cruel or possessive. “And I’m not trying to pawn him off on you. Or on anyone.” That had gotten him in trouble before. Bucky told him not to say things just because he thought other people wanted to hear them.

His lips pressed together smugly and he exhaled with a slow, measured sigh.

“I love him too. I’ve loved him since I was a kid. I don’t care how that sounds. I don’t care if that wasn’t always him either. But he saved me. And now I want to save him. But it’s not my damned choice, Rogers. I’m never going to take that from him. I just need you to stop pretending. If you don’t want to get in the way, and I would appreciate if you don’t, then don’t look at him that way. Be a friend and nothing else. Or just take him from me now and spare us all.”

A wild part of Steve wanted to take him up on that second offer. He wanted to storm up to the bedroom where Bucky had locked himself in and confess that he had loved him since the moment he met him. He wanted to tell him that one of the reasons he had been so desperate to go to war, was to watch Bucky's back.

But he wouldn't.

It wasn't the right thing to do. Bucky had chosen Tony and he wasn't going to stand in the way of that, even if his selfish heart wanted it. But neither was he going to lie to Tony.

"I'm not going to get in the way. I always knew that he'd end up with someone else, and I made my peace with it a long time ago. He's my best friend, nothing is going to change that, and I'd never begrudge happiness for either of you. But I swear to you, Tony, if you hurt him then I can't promise to look the other way."

“I wouldn’t expect you to. My teeth will be here to break if I step out of line. And you can have the first swing.” He offered Steve his hand, because this was a gentleman’s agreement. He still figured this would only last so long. Bucky latched onto him because he was as good as he could get at the time. He’d said that Steve was just a friend, that he only loved him as a brother and nothing more right up until Steve confessed that he was gay.

And boy, had Bucky’s tune changed. Tony was sure that they’d end up together but he wasn’t going to sacrifice his own happiness for the while that he had until Bucky finally came clean to everyone and went where he belonged.

Once Steve shook his hand, Tony more or less kicked him out. “I have someone to talk to that needs to be told that he’s not wrong or evil. His isn’t my house but I’m going to ask you to leave anyway. Write him a note, Rogers. Send him a burner phone. Be you. He’ll come around.”

Tony would get that handshake, but he would also be pulled into a hug whether he wanted it or not, tight against the rock hard muscles of Steve's chest. Only for a moment, a hug between friends rather than anything else, and Steve was utterly earnest. Despite his jealousy and heartache, he really was happy for them too.

"I'm glad he has you, Tony. Thank you for looking out for him."

And with that, he'd turn and go as he'd been requested to do, shoulders sagged as if he were Atlas with all the weight of the world on them. FRIDAY informed Tony that James hadn't moved from his room and was, currently, sitting in the empty bathtub all scrunched up. She could override the locks to let him in if he wanted?

“Nope. Let’s not break into anywhere.” Tony jogged up the stairs and paused there at the top. The crash of whispers was almost too much and he grabbed the railing, closed his eyes and willed them away. Rogers will die, chanted over and over... if these things hadn’t been happening to him since he was a boy, Tony would blame the Scarlet Witch for everything. Especially that nasty little thought. He needed a drink so badly... he needed Bruce so badly right now.

But all he had was himself. And Bucky.

Tony pulled himself together and wandered towards the door, feeling ill, and lightly knocked on it.

“Let me in. Cap’s gone.” Bucky had two minutes and if he decided not to answer, Tony was going downstairs to hit the god damn mother fucking bottle.

It took almost a whole minute, but eventually the door slid open to reveal a penitent looking James. He was ashamed about running, but also still ashamed about the perverse nature of his desire for more than one person - and both men to add insult to injury.

"I really screwed this up, didn't I?"

With both of them.

"Just-- I guess you better come in, sit down, we should talk." He owed Tony that much, at least, a proper explanation to go with the heartache.

Wow. He thought he might have a few months here of hand holding and video games. But no. ‘We should talk’ was the universally accepted way you start a breakup. Tony might have outwardly grimaced, but he entered Bucky’s room with its strange mismatch of styles and sat where he was directed.

He tried to bet himself something to pass the horrible time as he did so. Was Bucky breaking up with him to be alone and then eventually go to Steve or was he going to go immediately?

Tony was guessing the former.

He knew it was fatalist to do these things but his romantic life was shit, he constantly had memories of other romances with friends (or just fucking them, that happened too). The difference was that Tony knew that the whispers and the hallucinations weren’t real. He didn’t love Steve or Bruce or (yuck) Loki. He just had weird thoughts about them.

“Whatever it is, I’m going to understand.”

"At least that'll make one of us, because I'm not sure I even understand."

Bucky was no longer freaking out quite as badly as he had been, no longer spiralling out of control, but that panic had been replaced with a void of energy, as if he had given up completely. He waited until Tony had sat down in one of the chairs he had scattered around, before taking a seat on the table just across from him.

"I think there's something wrong with me, I mean really wrong, because I really did want to kiss Steve then. But I don't want to leave what we have, you're something different to me to what Steve is, and I can't explain it. I know it makes me a monster to feel that way about two people, and I'm sorry."

He had to make a choice, assuming either one of them would want to be with someone so like a deviant with his apparently insatiable desires.

"I don't understand what to do, and I don't know how you could forgive me, but I guess that's what I'm asking you to do. I swear I won't act on this."

huhu <3

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Shit never sent this. ><

booo

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