fossilised | it's a new plot!

“It’s like you know me,” Tony grinned, releasing Bucky after only a moment to hand over his controller before he went to get the other one resting on top of the gaming system. He knew what he could and couldn’t get away with. A minute or so of touching was about as much as the Bucky from before could stand and Tony didn’t want to jump to conclusions that the return of his memory had signaled the return of any sort of normalcy between them.

Beside that, he was all right with the minimal affection. His mind tended to be too crowded for anything too prolonged. Pepper could attest to that. Tony wasn’t like a normal person, he didn’t like to cuddle or lay around. He had things to do, even if those things were just getting back at pre-teens who had been crushing him at a two-year outdated game.

“Ban... what?? Do we have bananas?”

Edited 2017-12-04 17:35 (UTC)

"FRIDAY had the kitchen equipment mash some into a smoothie for me, she said it would help be easy on my stomach, but there's something wrong with your bananas. They all taste weird."

Bucky sounded almost offended about this as he took the controller and picked out his starting gear for the match. He was more focused on the banana issue than the game, but he was a natural sniper with excellent reflexes, so he wasn't worried about making Tony's gamertag a sudden legend.

"You can tell me, are they weird Stark experimental bananas?"

“You’ve got me. We’re calling them WES Bananas.” Weird Experimental Stark, of course. From now on, everything would be WES whenever Bucky decided to be sassy. “I can’t remember the last time I tried an actual banana that wasn’t just flavored rum,” he mused, “so I can’t help you out there.”

Tony tried to use gear that would cimpliment Bucky’s, but the guy could probably win this game blindfolded so there was no real reason for him to do anything but maybe act as a look out around corners or be a bodyguard. One would think that Tony would be annoyed at hos good Bucky was, but he in fact enjoyed being on a winning team. He didn’t care about the size of his role.

“Maybe 1930s bananas tasted weird. Didn’t they have to arrive on the backs of dinosaurs?” Could this just be Bucky’s memory really coming back, full force? “Sorry our bananas aren’t so dinosaur-y.”

"No, pretty sure bananas back then were the normal ones, not this weird and freaky crap that you're trying to feed to me."

"Sir," that was FRIDAY. "If I may interrupt, I could shed some light on this issue. Before the early 1950s, the strain of banana eaten in the US and much of the world was a different one to the one eaten today. It was all but wiped out with a banana plague at the start of fifties, and then replaced with the modern strain. The only remnant of the old banana strain is the synthetic banana flavouring to candy and drinks, which is derived from the old bananas."

Which might explain why banana flavoured products tasted nothing like real bananas.

Bucky looked half amused and half outraged, taking out his frustrations by sniping one of the Chinese kids from half a map away. "You're kidding me? People actually think the bananas you fed me are the real thing?"

“Wow, you actually liked that old crap? Banana candy is literally the worst,” Tony said, wrinkling his nose as if Bucky himself stank. “Our bananas are real. Didn’t you listen? They’re just a different family. Are you banana racist, James? FRIDAY, take a note, James is banana racist.” Tony lightly shook his head, as if he was utterly and completely hopeless and Tony was just embarrassed to know him. “And add cultivating old, awful bananas to the list of stuff to do when the world isn’t on the verge of ending.”

“All right Boss, I’ve recorded down both,” FRIDAY said good naturedly. She was pretty good for a laugh most of the time, making Tony shake his head again at Barnes for effect. He never did break character, not even after they started the game.

‘Banana Racist was going to be James’ unfortunate new pet name for the forseeable future, but at least they won a few rounds of Call of Duty that night. It was, by far, the best one he’d spent with James yet. He was so vibrant, so irreverant. And Tony just loved him.

It was a hint of who he used to be, the sort of man who had inspired Steve Rogers to disobey his chain of command and storm the enemy lines single handed to get him out. He had always been funny and snarky and smart, the sort of guy that always got the girl and made most people watch him carefully for signs of mischief.

It was a good night, for Bucky too. He and Tony didn't do much more than snipe at each other and occasionally touch hands, but it felt-- good, better. He was more himself now than he had ever been. Which was why, the next morning, he had Tony set up with a camera out of sight to film it when Steve came in.

He was sat on one of the chairs blank faced as ever, but when Steve walked through the door, he set his feet up on the table cool as you please, Brooklyn accent strong. "Did you hear that the Dodgers turned traitor? Who the hell am I supposed to support now?"

Exhaustion was probably the only word that came to mind when someone asked Steve how he felt that morning before he climbed into the mini-jet Stark gave him on loan for his trek up to New England. He wasn’t in a good place when he landed and when he saw James just sitting there? He was pretty sure that he needed to have a talk with Stark about this. There had to be another way. If Steve could take James back with him to HQ, maybe he’d see something or hear something that struck a chord? He was about to ask where Tony was when Bucky, his Bucky complained about the baseball team’s move from Brooklyn to LA.

Upstairs, Tony watched the feed with a laugh until Steve Rogers broke down. That made him uncomfortable enough to get himself up and tell FRIDAY that they were moving up production of Bucky Bananas to that morning’s great breakthrough.

At least the breakdown lasted only a moment before Steve could pull himself together and grab Bucky by the shirt to force him to his feet and into a hug. “I don’t know. Still struggling myself,” he sniffled. “The Yankees and the Mets turn my stomach.”

There was a tension to Bucky that had never been there in the past when they embraced, but he would never wholly be the man he was before. He still hugged Steve back, tight and secure, and then raised his flesh hand to tousle his hair a bit.

"C'mon, punk, don't embarrass us both by turning on the waterworks. I know it hurts that the Dodgers left, but you don't need to cry over them like they're a dame that broke your heart."

He was a little misty-eyed himself, if he were honest, he knew what a huge step this was for them both. It was like he had found home again after being lost for a lifetime and, though he loved Tony in a different way, Steve would always be that home. He was his best friend, his soulmate in a platonic sense, his brother.

If Bucky was hoping for a manly drying up of tears and a blame on allergies, he wasn’t going to get it. Steve had lived too long in this world and while it wasn’t completely all right for men to cry, he’d seen and lived through enough not to care. Cornflower blue eyes remained soaked, tears collected in his eyelashes, but he didn’t hold onto Bucky the way he wanted to. He’d felt the way Bucky had stiffened up, and he didn’t want, in any way, to hurt the man. He did sort of wish, for a moment, that they were women and could get away with some handholding right now as they caught up on literally decades.

“I’ve been living for so long with no one who understands how awful it is to have a team up and leave… It’s just good to know that someone else is as outraged as I am.”

Tony passed by the upstairs hallway, just briefly, on his way to his lab and caught the tail end of that comment. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Men from the 40s were weird.

“It’s just real good to have you back, pal. Real good. You have so many movies to get caught up on. It’s going to be a long, difficult process. They’ve ruined Godzilla and King Kong.” Steve rubbed at his cheeks and laughed.

"There's a lot I'm still missing, Steve."

Bucky didn't want to put a dampener on this conversation or make Steve upset, but it was important to set those boundaries and make this a relationship that could go forward properly. Without things going horribly wrong. Though perhaps that was just hope speaking and they lived in a world where everything would inevitably one day implode.

"But I remember enough to know that I'm Bucky, and that you're my best friend, and that I'm really mad about bananas and the Dodgers."

His lips quirked up a bit.

"'Til the end of the line, right?"

“Til the end of the line.”

No truer words were ever spoken.

“I was hoping you’d never find out about the bananas,” Steve said, cheering up. Bucky wasn’t a blank, impossible thing. He wasn’t this looking memory of his own guilt. He was and could still get better. “But there’s a support group for that too. Sam used to run a lot of them. You’ll like Sam. He’s less of a punk than you, though.”

Steve, in true men’s affection, gave Bucky a little shove and sniffled back whatever remained of his tears. He did not want Stark happening upon them like this. He’d be called a cry baby for sure.

Steve cleared his throat and squared his shoulders before smiling at Bucky. “You know, I’m always happy to fill in the blank spots. Like where I was always saying your butt when you got in fights? And how I was the star of the boxing club and you used to go to my practices. Always felt sorry for you.” He gave Bucky a little shove again and headed towards the kitchen. “I still box, you know? Just how you showed me. There’s less asthma attacks now.”

"I'm sorry, you were the star of the boxing club? I thought I was supposed to be the one with memory issues, not you."

He didn't think that it would be a good idea for Steve to show him how much he had improved as a boxer now that the asthma had gone, he had a fear that any type of fighting would snap him back into that state that he had been in before, and maybe he would go in for the kill instead of just a harmless bout of punching.

"I think I'll pass on the support groups, pretty sure nobody is qualified to deal with the mess that's my head. I just need some time, some peace."

It was a shame that peace wasn't exactly something that they got much of these days.

"...look, there's something I have to talk to you about before this goes any further, okay? So-- why don't you sit down?"

Steve more or less radiated confusion, and with it, the edge of fear. He was absolutely certain that Bucky was going to come out and say that they couldn’t be friends (though that wasn’t logically accurate given what Bucky had just told him). Maybe he was dying? Stark mentioned there were wires, of all things, in his brain. That scared him too. To regain and then immediately lose the man?

He tried not to let these preconceived notions bore into his brain. Bucky might just want to sort some things out, but he couldn’t shake the dread.

“You can talk to me about anything,” Steve promised, and sat as directed. This was a night and day Bucky and he wanted to cultivate keeping the guy that didn’t look like a wounded animal in his life. “What is it, pal?”

He scrubbed a hand through his hair, Steve's concerned expression not helping with the nerves riding up inside him now. He wondered, briefly, if Tony was still watching them and whether he'd be mad that Bucky was about to out them both. Maybe he would, but Bucky couldn't go around hugging Steve and joking with him, all while he had this horrible secret buried under his skin.

If he did, he's always be waiting for the hammer to drop and everything to be ruined. If it were going to be ruined, better to have it ruined now.

"Remember Jimmy Folke from down the block, and that rumour that went around that he was seen with some guys who gave favours? I'm pretty sure I'm like Jimmy Folke, if you know what I mean, and I'm pretty sure that I'm stepping out with Tony."

So-- there it was.

Jimmy Folke was not the kind of guy you wanted to be like. Jimmy got the tar beat out of him at almost every turn and he made it really hard for Steve to be Steve, growing up. Not only was Steve slight, unmanly, and sensitive, but he also constantly stood up for Jimmy Folke. Many times, they’d get beaten up together when Bucky wasn’t around to stop it. Or to tell him that what he was doing was way too dangerous a move. He was all for Steve needing to stand up for the little guy, but Jimmy Folke was not the little guy you wanted to be in your circle of friends.

Steve’s eyes widened and then he glanced up towards the ceiling as if Stark would magically descend from it, yelling something about him being on candid camera.

The blond’s whole face flushed and he tried to hide his irritation. “It’s a bad joke, Buck,” he said at once, defensive and feeling his whole chest clog up before he tried to offer a less than delicate smile that all but trembled right off of his face. “Almost had me believing it too until you said you were trying to date Tony.” His laugh was nervous, as though he was trying not to judge, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings here, but also not liking the direction that this was going. “It’s not… It’s not right to joke about this sort of thing. Did Tony put you up to this?”

This? This was the kind of reaction that Bucky had expected when he first told Tony, this was the sort of thing that made him wonder in filthy whispers if what HYDRA had done to him was just divine punishment for that sort of sin. They had been brought up to think those sort of men were just as bad as rapists or kiddie touchers, people engaging in something really sick and wrong.

"--No."

It was a short answer, expression brittle as he took a half step back.

"It ain't a joke, it's the truth. I had to tell you before we just-- you had to know what I was, it's not fair otherwise. You'd find out one day, so maybe it's better it's now and you can go."

“No.” Steve wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t just go, there was no where to go. What he had to do was find Stark and... What? Threaten him? Steve had never been more embarrassed in his life, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that this Bucky, now, was still Tony pushing his buttons. He’d commanded Bucky to behave this way—

That simple thought alone turned Steve’s stomach and he dismissed it. Tony was a lot of things but he wasn’t like that. The blond was up and pacing across the wide window with that beautiful, if violent view.

He put his hand to his face again and then he stood, still, in profile to Bucky.

It would come out eventually.

“It’s not you. You’re not remembering it right,” Steve said, chin dropping to his chest as he put his hands in his pockets. The gesture was non-threatening. “It was me. I didn’t think you knew. You never made out that you knew— I was never interested in those girls. I had to be— Well, I tried to be. And I tried real hard with Peggy too. And I’ve been trying a little with Sharon—“

He wanted to vomit right on his shoes.

“Jimmy hung out with us sometimes around the block because of me, Buck. You? You’re not like us. You shouldn’t have to think— Tony told me you were his bodyguard when he was kid. That’s all. That’s where you’re getting the confusion from. I’m just so sorry that I never told you. I figured you’d hate me forever. Or you’d think I wanted... with you.”

And that was actually true. But that was because everyone wanted Bucky. Even the guys that didn’t lean his way.

Steve... Steve was that kind of guy?

Bucky felt as if he had been punched in the gut, literally all of the air shooting out of him at once, and a part of him wondered in a traitorous little voice how it would feel to kiss him. He loved Tony, sure, but he loved Steve too. Not that he did, he just stood there with his fingers opening and closing into fists at his side as if he weren't sure what else to do.

"That's not it."

His voice was a quiet rasp. Not angry, not really anything, just... there.

"I know what I am and I am that, and I had no idea you were too. I wish you'd told me, Steve, ain't nothing that would've made me stop being your friend. But you-- you liked Jimmy Folke? He and you were stepping out? I would'a been nicer to him if I knew that."

Bucky hadn't been mean to Jimmy, not in the way a lot of people were, but he had still warned him off once or twice. Steve had enough problems without adding Jimmy to the mix.

“Step out-- Geez, Buck, I didn’t have a death wish,” Steve said, fingers wrapped around the lining of his pockets to keep his hands there. He was so angry with himself that he could scream. He’d tried so hard to be normal, to be the guy that everyone expected him to be. He really liked Peggy. He could have married her and been happy. He wasn’t the sort to cheat and his…tendencies…would never have been known. And Sharon was a great girl too, but they’d been apart for so long that it didn’t feel like anything. A few kisses? Two whole dates? She told him it was nice to be with a guy that could accept a good night without anything else, and Steve had spent the next ten minutes hyperventilating into a pillow because one day there was going to have to be something else. “Jimmy used to let me draw him.”

Among other things. But Jimmy had his whole side hustle. He wasn’t the kind of person that wanted to just be with one guy. He used to make fun of Steve for that. If you want monogamy, you get a girl. If you want to have a little fun? Then you don’t tie yourself to just one guy. That was the whole point, Jimmy said, of not getting a skirt.

But Steve hadn’t been so sure.

“But I’m… If you-- And Tony. That’s great. That’s real great, pal.” It wasn’t. It felt like betrayal, it felt like he’d finally come clean to someone and it didn’t matter anymore because the one guy he wanted-- Wow, today couldn’t have gone better or worse. “Guess that clears a lot up, huh? And at least we don’t have to worry about jail time anymore?” His smile was genuine. Steve was a good guy. “It’s just funny, right? Both of us-- How many times did we even share a bed? Life is strange.”

"You've been living in this future for a few years now, Steve, why didn't you--? You've never been afraid to be who you are, not even back when who you were was an artist and not a boxer. You must'a known it was okay now, so why?"

Why hide it?

He didn't like that look in Steve's eyes, as if Bucky had just shown him a whole feast of his favourite food and then locked it away so that he couldn't have a taste. Part of him might have thought he was jealous of Bucky stepping out with Tony, but that couldn't be it, he couldn't be so egotistical as to think two men might want him.

Tony might see differently, if he were still watching. The way they were looking at each other wasn't just the stare of best friends that had been apart too long, even if both of them were too stupid to admit it.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard, Buck, but it’s not that easy. It’s legal, half of this country says that they don’t mind but it’s not ease. And I’ve been pretty much in one form of trouble with the law or another. And not getting any of the references—” It made Steve laugh as he relaxed, eyes softly taking in everything that stood in front of him. Everything had changed between them, Steve felt like he actually had the right to look now. And that was a dangerous thing, but he was no stranger to heartache. “It’s not like I have a lot of time to date when I’ve been looking for you since I found out that you were alive.”

He shrugged. Steve might have never been ashamed of himself for most things, but when God came into the picture and he’d learned from a young age that what he wanted went against God?

Well a young patriot did his best not to sin.

“No one knows. Well, outside of liberal art schools, no one even guesses. They got ahold of some of my sketch books when I went into the ice.” Sketchbooks that the internet had digitally cached if Bucky wanted to go looking.

"It's not?"

Bucky's brows drew together in concern, and the fragile state of his smiling self became all too evident. The blank mask was quick to take control, the shadows in his eyes that never fully disappeared because more prevalent again. Had Tony lied to him? Why would he do that?

"Tony told me that everyone was okay with it now, that it wasn't a sin any more. He laughed at me when I said it was something to hide."

But had that been a lie? Steve seemed to think that the world still wasn't too accepting about it, and he felt a pit in his stomach at the idea that he might just have forced Steve into revealing something he really wasn't comfortable with.

“Maybe it’s easier when you’re rich and no one cares what you do and who you are…or when they expect it of you.” Steve shrugged. “It’s better than it was. Men can marry men and women can marry women. Legally. It’s… It’s still hard for me to accept it. Church did a number on us, pal. I don’t know what to believe. Not all sins are crimes. Not all crimes are sins. You just have to follow your own truth.”

Steve was never this esoteric but he couldn’t not try to explain where he stood versus what Bucky needed in his life right now.

He saw Bucky shut down and he moved immediately to grip the man’s arm. “It’s never, never a sin to love who you love, or to show your love to that person. I’ve never felt that way. I never will.” He squeezed a little to tightly, but he didn’t do it to hurt the man. He just wanted him to really look at him when he said this. “Tony didn’t grow up how we grew up, Buck. He’s lucky like that. He doesn’t have the hangups we do. Don’t let me ruin anything for you.”

"What if it is, Steve?"

Hearing that the world wasn't actually as okay with it as Tony had made out did a number on him, though the pressure of Steve's grip kept him somewhat grounded. It was all that he could do to keep himself anchored to this precarious sense of self, he didn't have enough left to vet what he was saying before it tumbled out of his lips, and so it all just came.

"What if it's still a sin, I don't feel like a good guy like this. I love Tony, he makes me feel safe and my stomach has butterflies when we touch. But I want to kiss you too. Doesn't that make me the kind of deviant the priests always said guys like me are? That's what they said in Russia. They found out what I liked, they said-- fuck, Steve. Fuck."

He was spiralling just a little bit now, a little ashamed with how easy it was for him to slide backwards, but mostly just sick to his stomach and scared with the sort of disgusting creature he was turning out to be. A guy didn't have two people he loved, that wasn't right.

I want to kiss you too.

Steve couldn’t let that cloud him right now. He couldn’t when he felt Bucky spirally out of control and it scared him. “Hey-- It’s not. Just because not everyone agrees with you-- Well that’s like saying everyone has to agree with everything you think or you feel and that’s just not gonna happen, pal. What happened in Russia— That was evil. That had nothing to do with love. It’s about power and control and that is a sin. Forcing anyone to do anything is a sin. But you just told me he makes you feel safe.”

He felt like crying, he felt like shouting at Bucky that he could make him feel safe too, but he didn’t. He wasn’t going to ruin such a good thing Bucky had.

“And you love him-- And you love me too, right, but that’s because we’re brothers. We’re still brothers. Always will be, forever. And nothing that you’re feeling right now is a sin. I swear to you, Bucky. I swear that you’re a good guy, you’re the best damned guy I know. You’re not any more of a deviant than I am, and I don’t think I am at all.”

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/gifts you an ot3 instead of a pairing? everyone with everyone?

Why must you love me so? <3

huhu <3

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