fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.

They never find anything.

He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.

It doesn't matter, he finds it.

There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.

He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]

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[He wants to argue that this isn't the point, but Steve has the right to his own choices and Bucky can't take them away from him. Still, he does glower a little bit even as he finally chooses a chair and sits down.]

I don't even know if there's such a thing as a quiet life for me, too many people are after me.

[He doesn't miss that glower, he'd have to be blind not to see it, but Steve chooses to at least move on to the next topic. They can talk about it later if they need to.]

We can try, if you want. You've been doing pretty well so far.

That's because I've been hiding, I know how to move myself so that nobody can locate me. I don't know if I can do it with you too.

[Adding to that, he's been living in squats and shipping containers, not exactly enjoying the quiet life.]

[Oh yeah. That's a good point. Steve's brow furrows as he thinks about that. He's not really sure how to work with that. He's never been one to fly under the radar, at least not during peacetime.]

We'll figure it out.

I can't take you on the run with me, you stick out too much.

[Because a man with one arm made of high quality vibranium alloy and eyes like a dead man doesn't stick out at all.]

I did manage it before, you know. Granted, I had Nat and Sam's help. But it is possible. I take direction well.

[Even including Public Displays of Affection to Make People Uncomfortable. Give him his honorary spy badge, he's ready.]

You didn't manage to hide from me for that long.

[A few days at most, and then the Soldier had tracked them down and made them regret pretty much everything.]

Well, no, but it won't be you and the entirety of Hydra with all the resources of SHIELD this time around. If we need to disappear, I trust you'll be able to make us vanish.

[He's got a lot of faith.]

Anyone ever tell you that you're stupidly optimistic?

[Other than him, all the time, when they were younger.]

[Steve chuckled.]

Apart from you? Yeah, a couple.

[Which always surprises him. He keeps thinking he's gotten cynical lately, ever since it turned out the people he was working for were actually the very people he'd always been fighting against.]

...I'm glad.

[His voice lowers a bit, more open than usual.]

Some things shouldn't change, Steve.

[He sighs, his smile soft and a little sad.]

I try not to let them. But it's harder than it looks.

[Especially when so many things aren't what they seem, and everything else is constantly changing around him.]

I know.

[If anyone knows how hard it is to just carry on, not even try and keep the same, it's Bucky.]

Hey, Steve-- do you still believe there's a God?

[Steve lets out a huge breath and slumps back into the couch, running a hand through his hair.]

You know... I've thought about it. I really have. And I'm not sure I haven an answer. Sometimes I think yeah, absolutely, and then sometimes... [He sighs heavily, shaking his head.] Sometimes I'm just not so sure.

[He shrugs.] I really want Him to exist. And if He does... well, I don't think He's like what most churches these days are saying He's like.

I stopped believing in Him a long time ago.

[And yet it still feels blasphemous to say that.]

I even forgot that there was supposed to be a God, and I can't see how any benevolent creator would let all of this happen. It doesn't make sense, Steve.

Yeah... yeah. It doesn't.

[He takes a breath and shrugs.]

I mean... I have some thoughts about that, but I won't get into it if you're not looking for a deep discussion.

I want to hear it.

[Maybe that was weird.]

I need to.

[Steve sighs. It takes him a moment to get started, to gather his words. This is something he's thought about... too much, maybe, but he's never been able to talk to anybody about it before. He's never wanted to. So he's got a lot of thoughts, but he's not sure how to put them all into words.]

It has to do with free will, I guess. People have to be able to make their own choices. They can choose to do good things or bad things. Most terrible things in the world come back to people. If God made it so bad things didn't happen... well, I think it would mean forcing people to be good, and that would take their choices away.

[He frowns a little. It matches up with his thoughts, but it still feels weird to say it all aloud.]

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

[In a way. The idea of agency, of free will, has become incredibly important to him for obvious reasons and he can believe in the idea of a God that lets people do terrible and amazing things.]

But if someone is trapped and they're prayin' hard for help, and that God is supposed to love them and want to help them-- how do they not get free?

[God, that question hurts. It hurts a lot.]

I don't know. Sometimes I think about that and it makes me angry, it really does. Sometimes I think maybe it's because God's got a better view of... all of time, really, so He knows that even if something is awful in the moment it's for a good reason later on. And that makes sense, but I really hate it.

[Because even if something good comes out of it later, it still means that Bucky went through what he had to go through.]

No.

[The refusal is immediate and furious, hands clenching at his sides.]

I don't care what kind of view you have over things, that's never justified. There's no reason good enough for the Soldier or what the Soldier did, trying to make reasons is what HYDRA did.

I know.

[He says it softly, slumped into the couch, and he puts his head in his hands. He wants so badly to believe, but it always comes back to this.]

That's the part I always get stuck on. I just... I can't make it make sense. Or feel right. No matter how much I tell myself it comes back to free will, it still... I hate it.

I wish I could still believe.

[He remembers how comforting it had been, even in the midst of warfare, to think that God was watching out for him and that even if he died then he'd be going to a better place. He doesn't have that any more.]

But I don't. There ain't any kind of God could watch what I did for that long and do nothing.

[Steve sighs and rubs his face, then looks back up at Bucky, a tight, sad smile on his face.]

I don't blame you. I really don't.

But if there ain't a God, then what's it all for, Steve?

[Is it just pain and confusion and death?]

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and then a month later, jeez

<3

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