fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

[It's been fourteen months, six weeks, and four days since the Soldier pulled Steve from the Potomac and ran from everything he had ever known. Since he had begun to realise which parts of the world he'd been fed were lies, but hadn't quite managed to pin down which were truths. He knows that Steve has been looking for him. Not just him, but his friends too, most of the Avengers have been roped into Steve's unceasing search.

They never find anything.

He's too good, he knows how to hide. He's seen them - Iron Man once, Falcon four times, Steve twice - but they've never seen him. He's a ghost, just rumours that dry up on the wind. He's not too sure if he wants to remain this way for the rest of his life, he knows he's not ready for anything else, and this feels almost comforting. Anonymous. But something in him has pulled him back to America. He hears on the news what's been happening with the Avengers, he sees that there's a new 'compound' that they're using as a base, though none of the news channels know where it is.

It doesn't matter, he finds it.

There's security systems, of course, but he bypasses them all. He slips close enough past Falcon that he can smell the aftershave he used, but he isn't noticed. He finds Steve's room, easy to tell it's his because of the shield inside the door and the way that the whole place is military precision. Not a habit easy to break even once the army is done with you. He isn't even sure why he's here, just that he's following the instincts of his mind at the moment.

He takes a seat on Steve's bed, cross legged, and he waits.]

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[He's not surprised that Steve only has a small apartment despite the fact that he's an Avenger and can probably afford to stay in a penthouse somewhere. It's comfortable, easily defensible, and familiar.

He prowls around the whole place as though checking it for traps and egress points, but eventually he comes to a stop beside Steve again.]

Why are you here?

[Steve keeps himself still, sits himself in the living room and forces himself to take deep, slow breaths so that he doesn't follow Bucky as he does his rounds of the apartment.

He's a little surprised at the question.]

In this apartment or in Paris?

Paris.

[He turns and suddenly fixes Steve with a piercing sort of look.]

You're not the type of guy to abandon the fight.

Oh.

[Steve slumps a little, and leans back into the couch, raking a hand through his hair.]

I guess I'm just... learning that it doesn't always have to be my fight.

[He laughs a little, softly, self-depreciating.]

It's taking a while to get it through my head.

That's crap, Steve, you always think it's your fight and the Avengers actually are your fight. You're here for me, and you walked away from it all to do that.

[He's not sure if that's touching or if he's mad about it.]

You really gonna be happy living a quiet painter's life?

[Steve bristles at that, and that's really what makes him really see that yeah, Bucky's right, and maybe he's lying to himself.

Maybe he's just scared at how much he'll do for Bucky.

He takes a deep breath and sighs, consciously releasing his tension and making himself face facts. God, he hates that sometimes.]

Yeah, okay. I did it for you. You can't be around the Avengers, I get that. You deserve to be able to have the chance at something quiet, and if I can help provide that... then I want to. You're my fight, Bucky. You always have been. And if fighting for you means living a quiet painter's life away from it all, then yeah. I'm gonna do it.

[He shrugs a little.]

And it's not like it's a hardship. People keep telling me I deserve a break, so I'm taking one. If it doesn't work out, and there's a need for me to go back... well. We can see if it's possible. I'm willing to play it by ear.

I don't want to be that, Steve.

[Except that a selfish and tired part of him does, he wants to just have a quiet life somewhere where the only worry he has to have is if he has bread in for dinner and not if someone is going to be shooting at him.]

You'd stay with me, and you'd hate it. I don't want to be the thing you have to choose instead of your duty and other friends.

[Steve smiles sadly.]

You don't get to tell me what I want or what I'd like, Buck. Yeah, sure, it's been a long time since I've had any quiet at all. And you know what? I miss that. And maybe I will hate it, maybe I won't be able to stand it after a day, but I've been doing alright so far and it's been a couple months. My friends can come and visit me if we want to see each other. Give me a chance to try it for myself before you go and tell me what's gonna happen, okay?

Edited 2017-09-03 14:37 (UTC)

[He wants to argue that this isn't the point, but Steve has the right to his own choices and Bucky can't take them away from him. Still, he does glower a little bit even as he finally chooses a chair and sits down.]

I don't even know if there's such a thing as a quiet life for me, too many people are after me.

[He doesn't miss that glower, he'd have to be blind not to see it, but Steve chooses to at least move on to the next topic. They can talk about it later if they need to.]

We can try, if you want. You've been doing pretty well so far.

That's because I've been hiding, I know how to move myself so that nobody can locate me. I don't know if I can do it with you too.

[Adding to that, he's been living in squats and shipping containers, not exactly enjoying the quiet life.]

[Oh yeah. That's a good point. Steve's brow furrows as he thinks about that. He's not really sure how to work with that. He's never been one to fly under the radar, at least not during peacetime.]

We'll figure it out.

I can't take you on the run with me, you stick out too much.

[Because a man with one arm made of high quality vibranium alloy and eyes like a dead man doesn't stick out at all.]

I did manage it before, you know. Granted, I had Nat and Sam's help. But it is possible. I take direction well.

[Even including Public Displays of Affection to Make People Uncomfortable. Give him his honorary spy badge, he's ready.]

You didn't manage to hide from me for that long.

[A few days at most, and then the Soldier had tracked them down and made them regret pretty much everything.]

Well, no, but it won't be you and the entirety of Hydra with all the resources of SHIELD this time around. If we need to disappear, I trust you'll be able to make us vanish.

[He's got a lot of faith.]

Anyone ever tell you that you're stupidly optimistic?

[Other than him, all the time, when they were younger.]

[Steve chuckled.]

Apart from you? Yeah, a couple.

[Which always surprises him. He keeps thinking he's gotten cynical lately, ever since it turned out the people he was working for were actually the very people he'd always been fighting against.]

...I'm glad.

[His voice lowers a bit, more open than usual.]

Some things shouldn't change, Steve.

[He sighs, his smile soft and a little sad.]

I try not to let them. But it's harder than it looks.

[Especially when so many things aren't what they seem, and everything else is constantly changing around him.]

I know.

[If anyone knows how hard it is to just carry on, not even try and keep the same, it's Bucky.]

Hey, Steve-- do you still believe there's a God?

[Steve lets out a huge breath and slumps back into the couch, running a hand through his hair.]

You know... I've thought about it. I really have. And I'm not sure I haven an answer. Sometimes I think yeah, absolutely, and then sometimes... [He sighs heavily, shaking his head.] Sometimes I'm just not so sure.

[He shrugs.] I really want Him to exist. And if He does... well, I don't think He's like what most churches these days are saying He's like.

I stopped believing in Him a long time ago.

[And yet it still feels blasphemous to say that.]

I even forgot that there was supposed to be a God, and I can't see how any benevolent creator would let all of this happen. It doesn't make sense, Steve.

Yeah... yeah. It doesn't.

[He takes a breath and shrugs.]

I mean... I have some thoughts about that, but I won't get into it if you're not looking for a deep discussion.

I want to hear it.

[Maybe that was weird.]

I need to.

no worries!

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and then a month later, jeez

<3

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