fossilised | werewolves

werewolves

Pumpkin Spice.

It hits the shelves the moment the temperature dips below eighty, before the summer officially ends and the leaves give hint at changing color. It's become an American way of life. Lattes might claim it to be proof of their success and staying power but it's expanded into hand soap and e-cigarettes now. You can't find anything, really, that hasn't been pumpkin spiced these days. Pumpkin pie is too humble to try and reclaim it anyway, and has quietly retreated to Thanksgiving where it waits to mark the end of the most beloved season in New York among straight white girls.

Steve Rogers, while neither straight nor a girl, has whole heartedly embraced the trend and the moment Starbucks announced that it had come back out for a Limited Time Only, Steve had rummaged in his sock drawer for a gift card he was sure had money left on it and stood in line with the masses to claim his holy grail.

It's a comfort. It's a promise that there's going to be something else to look forward to in the coming months when holidays rear their ugly and beautiful heads to remind you that your family is dead and most of the kids you lived with in foster care and group homes have disappeared out of your life. It makes Steve's day and he's already day dreaming about boots and puffy vests the moment he takes his first, iced sip. Steve isn't really a day dreamer, but his head can get stuck in the clouds on the best days and distraction comes easily in a city where you're never and always alone at the same time.

There's charcoal under his nails and a moment of joy in his heart from the iced latte he grasps so fiercely the day he sees Bucky across the street. He'd know him anywhere, even with that long fringe of hair he hasn't seen since before he went off to basic training. The light to cross the street between them is red but Steve ignores the risks. There are two lanes each direction, and all four are packed with yellow cabs and black Uber cars. No one can go fast enough to do him any damage.

The latte gets dropped along the way and Steve doesn't care. It's been over a year and a half since he's seen Bucky. It's been six months since he last heard anything from him actually. He hadn't even gotten a birthday card this year.

"Buck!" Steve is just a skinny guy, five foot four, maybe 100 pounds if he's got art supplies and an easel on him. He has fallen arches and a heart arrhythmia, but they aren't keeping him from shimmying between cars and nearly getting run over. He's out of breath when he makes it across the street and though he's lost his drink, he needs to bend over and cup his hands on his knees to steady himself anyway so it all works out. "Hey." It's smooth and followed by a smile. Something bright and cheery and all too Steve Rogers hopped up on artificial sugar and flavorings.

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Steve Rogers doesn’t panic. He’s never been programmed to, it doesn’t even come naturally. He just springs into action, which requires him, still naked, to grab the robe from the ground and toss it over Bucky. “I need everyone out!” he demands of his classmates and the teacher, thankfully, follows suit and ushers everyone out.

Penny growls at Steve, but he ignores her. Satisfying her issue right now isn’t as important as making Bucky come back down from his panic.

He takes Bucky’s hand in both of his own and tugs until the taller man is looking at him. “Right here, pal. Just me and you and your girlfriend.”

Some of the students almost don't obey Steve; after all, he's just another pupil like they are and he's hardly the most commanding sort of guy. But the rest of them, and the teacher, make sure everyone is gone. They're the smarter ones, who have figured out that there's something bigger going on here, and staying won't be helpful to anyone.

Bucky is shaking like a leaf in high winds and his eyes are half unfocused, as if panic is driving him out of the here and now and into somewhere else. He made himself vulnerable, separated himself from his weapons and showed his weaknesses and--- He lets out something halfway between a sob and another plea of Steve's name.

Penny decides enough is enough and lunges to bite Steve on his wrist to try and make him let go. Not a hard bite, she's trained not to break skin or injure, just a sharp shock. It's seeing his dog go for Steve that helps to pull Bucky towards reality again, and he mumbles the command for her to stand down before he basically collapses on Steve's shoulders, sobbing as if he might break.

If Penny had bitten him, Steve would have understood. He knows very well that she’s just doing her job and it would be his fault if he managed to get snapped at. Thankfully, there’s no need for a trip to the hospital today and little Steve is able to devote himself entirely to Bucky. He might not have the strength to hold him up but he doesn’t need to. Bucky is just unsteady on his feet and Steve can counter balance that as he pulls that black robe more closely around him.

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” he says soothingly. It’s the first time this has ever happened to him. Usually Bucky is the one carrying him around. Strangely, it’s nice to be in the position. It gives him perspective. Bucky had never seemed to mind caring for him and Steve can finally understand why.

Caring for someone is rewarding in its own way... when you’re not literally watching them die in front of you.

He helps Bucky to sit down and he kneels at his feet, keeping hold of his hand.

“Thank you for the solidarity,” he whispers. “It means so much to me.”

Bucky can count on his one remaining hand the number of times that he's actually cried in front of someone since he hit puberty. It's just not something he does, he likes to see himself as stronger than that, even though he tells anyone else that needs to cry that there's no shame or weakness in it.

But he can't stop now, not for anything.

He clutches at Steve as though his friend is the only line holding him down, and lets it wash over him in shuddering waves. He feels Penny press herself against his back with all her weight, something she's trained to do in flashback moments to anchor him, and he just gives into it.

It's a good twenty minutes later when he finally peters out, his forehead resting on Steve's shoulder and his eyes swollen red, head thudding and embarrassment starting to sneak in alongside exhaustion.

"--sorry." That had been a dumb move, he should have known better. "Jesus, Steve, I'm sorry."

Steve is all smiles, soft, sweet ones. Understanding ones. Bucky hasn’t spent his whole life knowing hardship but Steve has. He might not be able to relate to what it’s like to lose a limb but he does understand torture.

He’s spent his whole like in some form of chronic pain. If there’s anyone that can understand even some of the emotion and the tragedy that Bucky is dealing with right now, it might be Steve. Of course, it doesn’t substitute properly for a therapist but at least he has someone human to lean on when he needs it.

“For what? Getting me out of life drawing?” Steve makes a small, non-commital snort as he sits back on his heels, shifting his weight. His back is screaming, but it’s all for a good cause.

"You must be-- Jesus, you must be freezing."

Poor Steve is still crouched naked, his robe covering Bucky's body from view and even that feels like a flimsy shield. He wants his own clothes, the prosthetic that hides his new deformity and the hidden weapons he keeps in secret pockets that his therapist would not be happy to hear about.

He can't give up the robe, he just-- he can't be naked again, but he pushes Steve towards his own pile of clothes with a shaking hand.

"I don't suppose we could just forget this happened, could we?"

“Nothing did happen,” Steve says smoothly enough, letting go of Bucky’s hand only when he feels the other draw away. He is pretty frozen, likely going to suffer from some sort of attack for it, but he’s not in terrible spirits as he stands, stumbling. His entire everything hurts, but given how it’s only Bucky in the room with him, he’s less shy about his nakedness and cracks his spine with a twist.

It only feels vaguely better, and his stiff walk to where his clothes are folded up behind a curtain in the corner of the room proves it. He’ll dress as quickly as possible but it won’t be quick.

When he returns, it’s to fish the arm out of Bucky’s shirt and he carefully touches the buckles used to hold it in place as he turns his attention back to his friend.

“Wanna get a pizza?” He doesn’t have a shift for another four hours and he’s got every intention of spending most of that time with Bucky, and carefully ignoring the drawings that his classmates had completed of him. “I can step outside if you need a minute.”

Shame grows stronger as he sees how obviously stiff Steve is, like even just walking hurts him at the moment. Damn it. He wanted to come back and be the one that Steve leans on again, to prevent him from hurting too much, not to be the reason that he'll probably have at least a few days pain and maybe his classmates thinking he's extra weird.

"Uh-- yeah."

He means that for the pizza, though a little bit for Steve stepping out too. He's never minded Steve there before, but he needs a few moments to get himself together after all that.

"Just... I'll be out in five minutes, okay?"

Most of the class had been dismissed by that point, though some lingered to pick the things up that they had left. Steve spends the time waiting for Bucky by trying to explain without explaining to the teacher and promises not to being along visitors anymore. While his instructor is pretty forgiving, especially with what had just happened, she does tell Steve that he will not be needed to model for the rest of the semester.

He doesn’t know why that’s a punishment, but he takes it gracefully, hiding his relief. Amy chats with him while he waits after that and manages to get him to laugh over something pretty terrible, but she’s always had that sort of effect on him, for better or for worse.

All of this talk of wolves gives Steve an idea for a piece though, and he’s fairly calm when the door opens and Bucky scowls our into the hall.

“Pizza?” He asks lightly, still smiling.

Bucky takes a fair while to get himself dressed again. He spends five whole minutes just sitting on the floor in the borrowed robe with his arm around Penny anchoring himself, and trying to work through the shame of what just happened. Then it takes a bit to get the stupid prosthetic strapped back in place, and then his clothes finally tugged on.

But eventually he makes it out to where Steve is waiting for him and he manages a small smile in return.

"Sure. Why don't I go and get it and meet you at your place?"

Mostly because he wants an excuse to see what kind of shithole Steve is living in now.

“Uh...”. It’s not really what Steve wants. Showing off his tiny twin-bed sized closet room is just going to get Bucky all up in his face and they’ve had enough of an emotional tussle today. “I live with two other people. I don’t know if either of them might be allergic to Penny... next time? We can just go together, get the pizza, go back to yours...?”

It’s not like they’re alone, though most people have re-entered the classroom. They can obviously still hear everything that’s going on and , knowing them, are probably gossiping.

Steve just grabs his portfolio, where his Bristol boards and art supplies are housed, and starts down the hall. He is used to Bucky following, strange as others may find that fact to be. Their dynamic has always been simple. Steve makes the plans. Bucky helps to execute.

Bucky isn't an idiot, he knows that Steve is deflecting and the only reason he would be doing that is if he had something to hide. Like he knows Bucky isn't going to approve of where he's living and give him grief about it. Which, to be fair, is exactly what he plans on doing if it is a dive like he fears it will be.

He snorts, but follows Steve like he always has done.

"Nice try, Steve, but you can't hide it forever."

Bucky is making a concerted effort to block out the sounds of the other students as they leave the campus, ignoring comments they're all making about the both of them. Damn it, today did not go well.

There’s no reason to put it off. Bucky is going to come over sooner or later, and while today might not be the best day for another set of emotional outbursts, Bucky evidently can’t help himself but poke. Steve would never call him a little shit but he’s acting like one.

“Fine. But you have to be nice to my roommates if you’re there. And don’t try to date Nat. I know what you’re like.” Bucky isn’t as much of a ladies man as Steve makes him out to be, but he wants to tease him anyway. The journey home is filled with worry. Every step of the way from pizza shop to a building that is very reminiscent of the one Steve grew up in is making the blond feel more and more stubbornly proud of his home. Every step is almost more defiant, as if Bucky needs to say only one word of criticism and he’ll eat him alive.

When Steve lets them in, the place is empty. Small, filled with too much stuff, but otherwise without either roommate at home. He’s relieved.

It's a dump.

Bucky only needs to glance at Steve's face to know that any such opinion will end in an argument even if he can prove it's true with about sixteen points of logic, like the damp in the corridors and the size of the place and the sound of the couple next door having a screaming match with one another. So he doesn't voice anything, he just gives Steve a level look that says this isn't over, and goes to sit on the couch with his pizza box.

"Remember when we were kids, Steve, we used to say we'd get a place of our own and be roommates? We could still do that, you know?"

Sort of. Maybe. He might be stable enough to live with someone if the reason was good enough.

“That was back when we were young and life hadn’t changed,” Steve says, not sharply, but to remind Bucky that he shouldn’t be making decisions. His last few hadn’t ended too well. Steve might find the idea of moving into Bucky’s small two bedroom down the street appealing, but the guy needs to think about it, really think. Not just offer because he thinks he owes it to Steve.

The blond’s face almost flattens. He’s not angry, all right he is, but liquid blue fire seems to erupt on his face as he drops onto the couch too. It’s caving in at the center so he needs to keep his distance or he’ll fall right into Bucky’s lap.

“You’re going to ask me to stay with you. And two weeks from now you’re going to wish you never had because I’ll clean everything the way you hate it and out things away so you can’t find it and I’ll steal your girlfriend.”

Penny is such a doll, especially because she’s so protective over Bucky.

“So don’t make this a big deal, Buck. I like where I am. I have my space. I’m living where I want to live. My roommates are fine. Just eat your pizza.”

He supposes that he asked for this.

When he went off to basic training they had been so close, and then stayed that way through letters. But it makes sense that Steve's life moved on while Bucky was imprisoned and, even if Bucky couldn't have written to him, Steve must have been hurt and distanced himself even more to deal with that. Now he's got to the point where he thinks Bucky would only offer those things out of obligation.

It makes a sudden swell of despair tighten his chest. It doesn't seem fair. He clung onto this hope of getting his life back, it's what helped him survive and resist when he was in that place, and he's not got any of it back. He's too scared to contact his own family, he can't go to college and do any of the things he wanted, and now even Steve doesn't want to do all the things they planned to do. But life isn't fair. While he hung onto hopes, everyone else was moving on and living their lives.

"...right, can't have you stealing my girl. Guess you better stay here."

He smiles, but it looks forced and doesn't quite hide the disappointment beneath. He's just trying to do what Steve asked and not make this a big deal, he's already fucked up enough without messing up everyone else's lives for his selfish crap.

"So, uh, college. Aside from life drawing, how's it going? Top of the class and making professional inroads yet?"

Steve has always been intuitive and sensitive. He has always known Bucky too and though Bucky has changed in some ways, some ways is not the same as all ways. Steve can see the hurt and the disappointment there behind the smile and it makes him look angrier than before.

He told Bucky not to make a big deal out of this but it seems like he will be the one making the big deal. Clearing the labs of inadequately supporting plates and pizza and boxes, he makes a simple yet perhaps too big of a move for Bucky’s fragile state when he cups the back of his friend’s neck with thin, long fingers and a determined grip.

“Whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong,” he says outright. He doesn’t need to be a mind reader to guess that Bucky is misreading the situation. “You’ve got to give yourself time. I know it’s like being in too hot bath water to walk into a store for you. And I know you’re trying to cover up all of the ways you think you’re broken all the time. If I’m with you, if I live with you, I’m going to be another burden and another thing for you to constantly worry about. Besides. I need to give these guys 30 days notice if I leave and I’m paid until the end of the month. So can we put a pin in this? Ask me in two weeks, if you still want to. And I can move in before Christmas if that’s what you want.”

Because that’s what Steve wants. He just needs to make sure Bucky is going to ask for the right reasons.

“I’m always going to be over there anyway.” Hes softer now. His hand drops and he winks. “Might as well leave a toothbrush. As for college? It’s not really for me. Don’t make me start calling you mom, Buck.”

Bucky goes abnormally still when Steve cups his neck, but he doesn't pull away. If there's anyone in this world that he trusts not to actually be trying to restrain or hurt him, then it's Steve Rogers. He feels the strength in those long fingers that not many people would believe, and how cold they are from poor circulation.

It's familiar, just as familiar as Steve being a goddamn mind reader and saying all the right things. Making Bucky feel dumb and relieved at the same time.

"Yeah, I know, it's just-- it sucks."

Steve is the only person he was ever regularly honest with about his feelings before shipping out, seems like that might be still true. He looks genuinely frustrated along with the hurt.

"I got myself through that crap by thinking about getting back. I was gonna go to school like I always wanted, and you and me were gonna live together, and everything was gonna go back to how it should be. And it's not fair that it hasn't happened. I don't want the girls to see me this way, grocery shopping makes me sweat like a kid on a first date, even you can see I'm too messed up to have a roommate, and I can't go to school because-- because a bunch of reasons."

He pulls back and grabs a pizza box just to have something to focus on, slamming the lid open so viciously that a slice drops out onto the floor, something Penny is quick to clean up for them.

"Sorry. It's so dumb to be angry, it's not like being mad is gonna change anything."

“Being mad changes everything,” Steve says, glad that the pizza hasn’t fallen on the tiny, threadbare rug they use more to keep out the noise from below than for warmth. “Being mad is what gets change to happen. So maybe you won’t start school this year, but it’s not like the institution is going away. You can take online courses too, just to get the basics out of the way, and go to college next fall.”

He is more delicate with his pizza, mostly because he can’t really afford new clothes and these aren’t his painting jeans. He hadn’t expected to do art today, just model after all. He lays a napkin over his knees just in case and pulls off the cheese in small chunks to eat without ever biting into the slice itself.

“I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, but you don’t have to rush into everything. You and me are going to live together. Soon.” Steve punctuates that with a promising smile. “And you’re gonna find other things to be mad about. Like how I put your shoes away. And how the neighbor keeps leaving her trash in the hall. Baby steps. Because Becca is going to kick your ass when she finds out you’re home so you better get all the rest in you can.”

Bucky thinks it might be optimistic to even aim for next fall to be in school, but maybe Steve is right. There isn't an expiration date on the army paying for him to go to college, and he damn well earned it, so there's no reason he can't take them up on it in a few years. His whole life doesn't have to be over.

"Oh man, you're right."

How is it, that even though nothing has changed, Steve has still managed to light a flicker of hope in his chest? Enough that he can let some of the tension bleed out of me.

"Maybe if I tell her that you knew all along, she'll be so mad at you that she'll forget to murder me."

Chewing thoughtfully, Steve takes a moment to answer. “Hey, if that’s what you want to try, I’m all right with letting you make your own mistakes.” It’s darker than Steve usually jokes considering Becca’s violent streak but it proves just how knowledge he is when it comes to Bucky and his more or less adoptive sisters.

There’s no need for Bucky to argue the point, not when Steve is so obviously right, and as Penny finishes cleaning up their mess, Steve relaxes back into the couch

“Hey. Did they send you the letters I mail while you were gone?” It’s easier to say that than what Bucky had been going through. “Because those are some gems. I’d hate for you to miss out.”

He’d been sending letter right up until the Tuesday before Bucky came back to him, and that was only because Bucky appeared on the corner before his next regularly scheduled letter had been due to go out.

“You owe me about a hundred replies. And I expect them to start coming soon.”

"You're crazy, I'm not mailing you letters when you live near enough for me to walk and tell you anything that I want to say. Besides, I don't have the letters you wrote, they-- they did give me a bundle of letters when I was in the hospital, but I didn't read 'em."

He had been too messed up at the time, and he had pushed them away with the intention of not needing to reply because he'd be able to go home and be okay and none of it would matter. And by the time he got home, he'd mislaid the bundle of unread letters somewhere along the route.

"Why don't you give me the highlights?"

He has a feeling that at least a few of them would have been Steve yelling at him in letter form for not writing back.

It’s nothing personal that Bucky hadn’t read his letters but Steve still makes a face about it. “Highlights? Oh just my whole heart and soul and creative talent,” he mutters. “And yes I do expect you to write me back. Based on those highlights. When did you get so lazy, Barnes?”

Steve is very tempted to kick his best friend but Penny is never receptive to even perceived violence and this couch is pretty tiny. Besides, one spilled pizza really ought to be enough for the day.

He does give Bucky a look that could likely throw daggers though, and that should make good on everything. Especially after he viscously tears into his slice, making eyes at his friend the entire time to suggest that the pizza is mere stand in for something else.

Bucky feels that look like its intended, Steve has always been good at managing to make him feel guilty without even trying. But there's no way that he's actually going to write him letters when he lives down the street, even if he could write properly now that he's lost his damn dominant hand.

"Quit being such a baby, Rogers, you just want mail because nobody ever writes to you or calls you."

Which, of course, is exactly the moment that Steve's phone rings, with Becca's number flashing up on the screen.

Steve’s witty retort (about just trying to make sure that Bucky knows how to read and write more than just his name) dies on his lips. “Technically I’m still in class,” he says to Bucky, and to the phone itself, trying to persuade himself not to answer.

It doesn’t help. There’s virtually no way that Steve wouldn’t answer his phone for Becca and the girls. For the last year, they’ve been all he’s had of the person that’s always mattered the most in his life since his mom passed (and maybe before that too, though God won’t let him admit that).

Catholic guilt is strong in Steve and so he lifts a hand for Bucky to be quiet and puts the call on speaker. “Hey Bec. You missed me posing in naked in class today. It melted everyone’s faces, like the Ark in Indiana Jones. You okay?”

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