fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

The war had been raging for a long time now, and James Buchanan Barnes had been drafted some months ago to ship out to Europe and fight with all the others in the trenches and on the front lines. Telegrams came back daily with the news of more brothers, sons, fathers, and husbands killed. More friends who will never return, and still there was no end in sight.

But then something even stranger began happening on both sides of the timeline.

All the newsreels were reporting strange anomalies centred in New York City and Washington D.C. that could only be explained by time itself unravelling in places. Buildings that changed to vast monoliths of glass and steel for a few minutes and then back again, a faded billboard for asthma cigarettes becoming a full colour motion picture of a man eating soup. Some people had even said they had met men and women claiming to be from the future, though this was all hushed up.

It only lasted a few days, and then it was sorted. Sealed, the government official offices said, just a trick by the Nazis to confuse us. Forget it and go about your day.

But there were pieces of the future lost in the past for good.

The Winter Soldier-- Bucky-- whoever he was now, confused fragmented memories all he had to go on, had been thrown through time unceremoniously into a street that looked altogether familiar and confusing. He hid from the authorities who were collecting all the anomalies with ease, even though his manner of dress was out of place now with jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. He didn't change it. He found his feet taking him somewhere only half remembered.

An apartment with a key hidden under an old brick. Why did he know it was there?

He didn't know. He just let himself in, quiet as a whisper, and made his way through to the bedroom where someone was asleep under the covers. Skinny, blond, somehow also familiar (the man on the bridge? The man in the Potomac? The man at the museum? No, that didn't make sense, that man had bulging muscles, but somehow he was sure they were the same). He didn't say anything, just stood there and watched impassively, waiting for the man to wake up.

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Steve let out a long sigh as if he was trying to piece the words together in a way that would be easy to say and wouldn't hurt Bucky. "If it wasn't enough for me, I wouldn't be with you." But that probably wasn't true. Look at what he was doing now, trying to be content with what he had because he was truly happy with Bucky. Even if seeing Grant's romance with his best friend hurt him. He felt guilty for thst too. He wanted Bucky to have everything he wanted. And if that was the both of them, he wanted to be part of that.

They walked more slowly than they needed to. The discussion seemed to weigh them down more. Steve felt the burden on the back of his neck, like he was dropping the ball here and letting the whole team down. He just didn't know how to hide how he felt. And he didn't want Bucky to let him go. Having none of his boyfriend was worse than only one piece.

"I need time." He needed someone to talk to but me in his generation didn't do that. And he had a feeling that Sam wouldn't want to listen anyway.

Bucky should have known that it wouldn't all be smooth sailing. He had been immensely lucky so far to have as much of both men as he had, but it had to happen that it wouldn't be enough. He couldn't even blame Steve, not really, because what he was asking of him was more than any man had a right to expect from anyone else. Even in this age of enlightened sexual preference, it still wasn't the norm to be anything other than monogamous with your chosen partner.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, feeling and looking guilty as hell. He didn't know if he could give up either man, and he had no idea what would happen if he were forced to choose, but he knew that he couldn't continue on in a way that hurt someone he cared about. He was done hurting others.

"Yeah," he said, word soft. "Time."

He stopped pretty abruptly and turned off to the left, calling over his shoulder that he would check the outer buildings on his own.

Failure. Steve watched Bucky leave and he knew he couldn't just let it stand at that. Angry, mostly st himself, he jogged forward until he fell back into stride with his best friend. "I didn't meant now. I mean getting used to it," he snapped, scowling a little at Bucky's abrupt desire to end the conversation. "You can't just sweep it all up. Be a little fair to me. You're all I've wanted since we met. I've spent s whole lifetime watching you with other people and never feeling like it could ever happen to me. Watching you with Grant is like seeing into a fantasy. Hearing you say that I don't exist when you kiss him is like a gut punch. You always exist for me. Even when you were dead, you've never stopped being with me. So when I say I need time... Well what's so bad about that? We have a whole lot of time ahead of us."

He put his hand on Bucky's elbow to stop him so they they could look at one another and really talk about it.

"It hurts me, but that's not your problem. It's mine. You're not doing anything to cause it, Buck. It's my own head."

"It's not just your problem, Steve, it's mine too."

Bucky could try and outpace Steve if he wanted to, if he truly didn't want to continue this conversation, but he didn't. He allowed Steve to stop him with just a light touch and turned to face him, upset in his eyes even if he kept his voice level.

"I can't do this if it hurts you, either of you, I just can't. You're the one person I can't hurt again, Steve."

He scrubbed a hand over his face roughly, trying to see what the way ahead here was, but unable to figure it out for himself quite yet.

"It's not bad that you need time, it's bad that I'm asking you to be okay with something that you're not okay with. Do you get that? I can't do it. I'm not going to make you do it. So leave me alone to figure out how the hell I move forward from here."

"For a guy that just made my problem into everyone's problem, suddenly needing to be alone to make a choice that is probably going to make every one of us miserable isn't the way to go about it," Steve snapped. "You're really good with wanting to discuss this with us when you're trying to make arguments about why we are important to you, but how about you let us have a chance to talk about it? I'm-- I'm worried that you're going to decide to leave us both."

Grant would be devastated. Bucky would be alone. And Steve would lose his everything. Again.

"The worst case scenario here is going to lead you to exactly what you don't want."

No one else on the team was ever going to have this sort of feeling, Steve was sure. Expressing his difficulty with one thing was leading towards its destruction. He was so afraid that he had ruined everything by being honest.

"What am I supposed to say and do, Steve?"

Bucky allowed himself to be kept in place, not leaving just yet, eyes fixed on Steve's as if genuinely asking for instruction here. He didn't know where to turn, because any direction seemed to hurt at least one of them, and that wasn't acceptable any more.

"I can't do this if it's going to hurt you, do you get that? I'm not going to be that guy, not now or ever. So tell me how this works, Steve, what do you want to talk about that can make this have a different outcome?"

One could use their mouths for more than just words and Steve caught Bucky's chin and then his lips. It was aggressive but it was brief. "Do you feel that?" Becsuse Steve did, right in the pit of his stomach. "If I never felt that again, I would be done with. It's worth it to me to feel my way out of this and to figure out how to work through my own jealousy to keep having you."

He didn't want to leave it at that, but he couldn't do much else for it. Anything more might toppled this all like a deck of cards, stood on end. A touch could knock it over. He could feel a sort of agony spreading in his chest and it scared him.

"Please don't break us up yet because I'm jealous."

Bucky returned the kiss with every ounce of fierceness he had in him, fingers gripping Steve's forearms hard enough to leave bruises. But the kiss, rather than making him feel reassured, just made him feel as if he had a lump in his throat that he couldn't quite swallow.

"It's not about you being jealous," he murmured, all trace of anger gone. "It's about knowing that what I do... that every time I kissed Grant, it would hurt you. I can't hurt you day after day, Steve, don't you get that?"

He took a step backwards, fingers flexing.

"I don't want to lose you, I don't think I could, but I can't-- I'm not saying anything, just that I need to think. Let me go."

Whatever physical pain Bucky left him hurt and felt so good he might shudder to the ground in ecstasy. It was the worst position he had been in before and as Bucky stepped back and asked for his space, Steve nodded and let his chin fall forward. "Yeah. Yeah of course," he said, wanting to say something else. Something more. He had so much in him right now that he was filled to the brim with sorrow and regret and need. He stepped away first, leaving Bucky to his musings or his decisions.

Steve had to blink away his tears, not because he felt less of a man for crying (he'd learned to disregard that particular emotion), but because Sam Wilson was suddenly at his side. He hadn't meant to walk in on anything, considering they were just outside where he had been flying drills with Redwing, but he had see. It. And man, wow. That was more of a gut punch than he'd thought possible, thst confirmation. And the outcome.

Steve was his friend. And when a friend needed to do some sorting out, well, that's when it was important to provide a shoulder. Or to seek one out. Should Bucky choose the same, he'd find Grant trying to practice dancing while he cooked or Tony back at the scotch again.

Sam was a good friend to have. He might not be a gay super soldier from the past in a polygamous relationship with his best friend and another version of himself, but he was a good guy who rarely judged and was always ready with some calm advice. He would be there to listen if Steve needed to talk through things, to ask him questions to help him get to the root of his issues, and to hug it out if he needed that too.

Bucky couldn't go to Grant, not when it was Grant that might be affected by whatever he chose to do tonight, so it was to Tony that Bucky found his feet taking him. Appearing like a ghost right behind the man as he tipped the scotch into his mouth, voice low.

"I need help."

Fifty dollars worth of fine scotch ended up spit across the room as Tony scrambled half to his feet before he realized who had come crashing into his own pity party. "Jesus Christ, Barnes!" He wiped at his chin and then finished off the rest of his glass just in case he had another spit take on the way. "What next? You're one big bundle of drama lately. You can't take back anything you said in the press conference. It's already all over the news."

Most was good. Not all but most.

He sank back into the couch and patted the back of the spot beside him. He wasn't sure how good he'd be right now on the helping, mostly because he wouldn't trust himself in the armor, but he'd do his best. Of course, once he heard about the problem Bucky was having, he would just level the his friend with dark eyes and a sigh.

"If only k had your problem, pal. Which way are you leaning "

Bucky came to sit on the couch, though with his feet up and his arms wrapped around his knees. He usually sat on chairs in positions like this, or with his legs crossed, or any way except that which they were meant to be used. He didn't know exactly what was eating Tony, though it was obvious something was, but he didn't appreciate being told that his problem was a good one to have.

"How can I lean either way?"

He sounded miserable as sin.

"Choosing one of them means rejecting one, and I can't-- I don't know how to do that. Tony, they're my whole world, I don't think I can survive without them both. But I can't do this to Steve."

"Hate to break into your little emo romance fantasy, but you can actually live without them. Either of them or both of them. People don't work like that. Yeah, your gut might feel like it's going to explode and there's acid being poured into your chest but you know what? Life goes on if you let it go on. Guess it's actually up to you, Buck."

Yes. Sometimes Tony cslled him by the nickname too. At first, it was just to see if he could. Now? It felt natural to do it. Tony propped his feet up on the table and sucked on the edge of a piece of ice before he set the glass aside.

"Your choices are Steve only, Grant only, both or none. So take them apart. None, everyone is completely miserable. Both, Steve gets a little hurt from time to time but maybe it stops bothering him or you figure out a way to make it so no one has to see what you do intimately with the other. Steve only... Steve would be guilt ridden. Grant would probably be crushed but he'd be all right. He's adorable. He'd get another boyfriend down the road and go back to school and be fine in the end. Grant only... Grant would be sad about Steve but maybe not feel as guilty? I don't know him that well but he seems young and impulsive and better able to bounce back. Steve would probably keep on Captain America-ing. He probably won't meet anyone else because our pool is tiny. But he'd be all right. He's an island. Always has been. He's been living and breathing without you for years now. He'd be okay."

Tony was just making broad stretches here.

"But you? Huh. You'd leave if you could have neither. You'd stay if you had both or Steve only, but if you had both thst might not be sustainable and I think you'd go back to neither. And you'd leave again if it was just Grant. So I'm really leaning towards the just Steve. Least amount of broken hearts. But Grant is probably better in bed. So-- up to you."

Well, clearly Tony was bitter because of seeing Pepper that day, that explained why he was being so sour when it came to relationship talks. But he was wrong. It wasn't an emo fantasy, Bucky knew that he couldn't do it without either of them. Grant allowed him to feel as if he were able to protect, able to heal, able to do something other than destroy. Steve made him feel safe, loved, and happy. Having just one or the other would throw him completely out of balance, and he didn't know if he could recover from that another time.

But having them both... Tony was right, it would always end up in having neither, because he'd never be able to reconcile that what he was doing was selfishly hurting one or the other of them. But he honestly didn't know how to choose - Tony was right, they would both end up okay without him, they were strong, but he wouldn't end up okay.

He fisted his metal fingers into his hair in frustration, on the edge of tears but refusing to allow them to come.

"It's not fair," he muttered. "I can't do this. I can barely even choose what cereal to have on my own, how am I supposed to choose between them?"

"Well there's your answer." Tony gestured with his now empty glass. It hadn't stayed out of his hand for very long, as if he wasn't capable of having nothing in his hand or as if the glass was more like an extension of his arm. At least he didn't refill it. Not yet. He was nursing the scotch flavored ice for right now. When the buzz lessened, he'd drink more. "Right now, you just need friends. Not boyfriends. Deal with yourself and your memories and see what works itself out. You need them because they complete who you used to be and they're the people you want to better yourself for. So yeah. Super easy choice there. Neither with a but."

Now wasn't the time for a disjointed, out of time man to have romance issues.

"Plus, they'll both understand. And maybe in a year or five years when you've had all of your court ordered therapy and you know who you are, you can figure out which Rogers is the one for you. Maybe neither are. Maybe some hot therapist with dark curls and eyes will be your poison."

Yeah. He was talking about Banner there. Not in a serious way. He'd just had dreams sbkut him sometimes that they were married and had a little girl that they adopted named Ola. If his weird dreams were enough to reference out of hand, then the person who was waiting for him might not be either Steve Rogers...es.

It was just a thought.

"Feel better yet?"

Tony was right that it probably was the right answer. His brain was scrambled and he had a hard enough time with basic autonomy, let alone all the issues that came with what had been done to his body in a sexual sense during his time as a prisoner, so the last thing he really should be doing was rushing into a relationship with anyone. Not Grant and not Steve, not even if he loved them both.

But that didn't make it easier to hear.

He couldn't imagine sitting them down and telling them this. They'd both be so hurt, Grant would cry, Steve would think that it was his fault that Bucky was breaking up with them, and maybe they'd both move on before he ever got his life together. Maybe they wouldn't even stick around to help him get his life together, too hurt by him breaking another promise and hurting them once more.

Bucky looked about as miserable as a person could look, hunched in on himself and swallowing hard every so often to keep himself from crying.

"I don't want to lose them."

Pathetic.

"Wow. I don't even know these losers like you do and I still know that you're not going to lose them." Tony thought that sounded amusing. Poking fun at Cap was his only real joy left in life. Pepper was never coming back. Rhodey was never going to fully trust him again, and he'd done some really bad things with his life at this point. He was a lonely and a miserable man. But thst said, he knew that the Rogers boys were unfailingly loyal. "Like, okay seriously, what's going to change? You're not fucking them. So it would just be a curb to the making out right? Well jeez. Just keep your lips to yourself and they'll understand. You can still have all of your poker night fun with them, right? Shit. Barnes. I'm so bad at this okay?"

He didn't want to be giving relationship advice. He wanted to wallow a bit and they go out and sleep around until he had another VD scare and then sequester himself away with his overpriced robot toys. He had some new ideas about Ultron now that he had the money and time to mess around with the programming again.

"Wait. Are you going to cry? Damn it." Down went the glass and he leaned over to lightly pat Bucky on the back. It was a little mechanical but his voice softened. "No one is going to leave you. Not again. You gotta know that."

Bucky would punch the shit out of Tony if he knew that was what he was planning for himself for the next few months, but right now all he knew was that his friend was here and had a hand on his back. If Tony didn't want Bucky to cry, he had done the wrong thing by offering him comfort, because it just helped to break the dam.

It was stupid, he was goddamn pathetic because of course Grant and Steve weren't going to leave him, but he was so scared. He didn't want to hurt them, he didn't want either of them to think that he didn't love them, and telling them that he needed to dial it back to just friends felt like he would be making them slip through his fingers.

Tears slid down his face and he turned himself in to literally cry on Tony's shoulder whether he wanted it or not.

"I thought I had somewhere I could make them both happy." Stupid, so fucking stupid.

Okay. So this was a thing that they were doing. They were just going to sit here and have a good cry. Tony exhaled slowly, reached back for the bottle, and took a swig right from it. He had no other thought at the moment. He didn't particularly care that Bucky was crying, he knew that he needed to. It was good to release some of the pressure.

"You make them both happy just by being with them," Tony pointed out. "And that's a lot more to offer people that I've ever managed to."

And was t that telling? Bucky had nothing, not even himself, and made people love him and made those people happy but him? He had bundles of cash and everything in the world to over and no one ever stayed with him.

Well. This wasn't his pity party. Not in the slightest.

"You'll feel better when you see it for yourself. Have a little faith in them. They're seriously the most perfect human beings alive."

"Idiot."

Bucky mumbled the insult out into the hollow of Tony's throat. There was nothing intimate about the position, this was just where he had slumped to when he had come sideways to get comfort from his friend.

"You offer that to me. You're pretty much one of my best friends, or didn't you notice that? You think I trust just anyone?"

Tony was pretty much the only person that he did trust outside Grant and Steve, and that was a massive deal. He had made that happen just by being himself. Not because of his money, not because of his massive home, but because he had been exactly the sort of person that Bucky needed to help him heal.

"Stop falling in love with me," Tony teased as he once again put his feet up and took another drink from the bottle. He'd hold Bucky for as long as he wanted to be held and maybe even a little longer than that because it just felt pretty good to be useful and wanted for something. Tony would end up dozing. The bottle was mostly empty so when it toppled from his hand to the floor, nothing really came out. It rested in the belly of the bottle, just below the neck.

Today had been a hard day on everyone, except Grant. Grant was just sitting at the little table in their not exactly a house building with two empty chairs and a full meal slowly getting cold.

He had no idea where Steve and Bucky had gotten to, but he was trying not to be too nosey.

Poor Grant.

It would be Steve who got back there first. He had talked with Sam, though not about everything because he was still a man who preferred to keep his issues on the inside, and he felt no better than before. Guilt was twisting in his gut when he made it back to the little house, half expecting Bucky to have done a bunk again.

When he caught sight of the table and empty chairs, his stomach sank further.

"He's gone, hasn't he?"

Looking up, Grant's smile faded from his face when Steve not only arrived back alone, but happened to say words that made his blood crawl. "Why... Would he be gone...?" Grant asked, sitting up a little more straight with his hands pulling back from the table. "What happened, Steve? Did he had another episode?" Grant was going to get up and get dressed if they had to go and look for him. Sam and Tony would be able to help and he couldn't have gone too far. Right?

Blaming Steve didn't even come to mind. Steve was his brother and his family. Steve took care of him and in return, Grant made sure to do the cooking and the housework. It wasn't glamorous, but it wasn't beneath him either. He just had so much love for these men anyway. He kept putting his life on hold for them and would continue to do so as long as he was wanted.

"And are you all right?"

"No, he didn't. It was me."

Steve wasn't looking forward to this conversation at all, but he faced it as he did everything, head on. He would never run away from something unpleasant, even if he felt as if he might throw up from how guilty he felt right now. He should have kept his mouth shut, having a part of Bucky was better than nothing at all, and now he had ruined it for them both.

"I told him that I was jealous when he kissed you, and that it hurt when he only thought about you. He said he didn't want to hurt either of us, I think I might have driven him away."

He was a stupid, stupid, fool.

While it might have been amusing to know that Steve and Bucky were both yelling at themselves, Grant just looked a little sad. "I'm so sorry I hurt you," he said quietly. "I had no idea you felt--". How could he thought? He'd assumed that he and Steve were on the same page here. That they were happy to be together too. Grant dropped his hands into his lap and then rubbed one arm slightly from elbow to shoulder. "But don't beat yourself up. Bucky wouldn't have left again."

He had to believe that. It would break his heart otherwise. All he wanted was for Bucky to be safe and happy. Evidently he wasn't happy. But if he was at least safe, Grant could be content. Bucky had forced him to see everything about himself. He could t shove that all away again and there was no road left to take him back to the path of Captain America.

So this was it.

"Wash up for dinner. He'll be back." And then they would talk. All of them. Because, at least for Grant, they had all been together. They had been one. And though it hurt him to hear that Steve wasn't happy, he had to compartmentalize that for now.

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