fossilised | For Steve

For Steve

The war had been raging for a long time now, and James Buchanan Barnes had been drafted some months ago to ship out to Europe and fight with all the others in the trenches and on the front lines. Telegrams came back daily with the news of more brothers, sons, fathers, and husbands killed. More friends who will never return, and still there was no end in sight.

But then something even stranger began happening on both sides of the timeline.

All the newsreels were reporting strange anomalies centred in New York City and Washington D.C. that could only be explained by time itself unravelling in places. Buildings that changed to vast monoliths of glass and steel for a few minutes and then back again, a faded billboard for asthma cigarettes becoming a full colour motion picture of a man eating soup. Some people had even said they had met men and women claiming to be from the future, though this was all hushed up.

It only lasted a few days, and then it was sorted. Sealed, the government official offices said, just a trick by the Nazis to confuse us. Forget it and go about your day.

But there were pieces of the future lost in the past for good.

The Winter Soldier-- Bucky-- whoever he was now, confused fragmented memories all he had to go on, had been thrown through time unceremoniously into a street that looked altogether familiar and confusing. He hid from the authorities who were collecting all the anomalies with ease, even though his manner of dress was out of place now with jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. He didn't change it. He found his feet taking him somewhere only half remembered.

An apartment with a key hidden under an old brick. Why did he know it was there?

He didn't know. He just let himself in, quiet as a whisper, and made his way through to the bedroom where someone was asleep under the covers. Skinny, blond, somehow also familiar (the man on the bridge? The man in the Potomac? The man at the museum? No, that didn't make sense, that man had bulging muscles, but somehow he was sure they were the same). He didn't say anything, just stood there and watched impassively, waiting for the man to wake up.

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Bucky intended to remember every kiss with both of them for the rest of his life. He had forgotten so much and had so much ripped from him that he might never be able to get back, that every new memory that was his seemed like something to cherish. Especially moments like this, ones that proved beyond a doubt that there was something inside him far beyond that of a mindless killer.

He didn't care that his toes were being stepped on, it was all the more endearing, and he made sure to guide Grant carefully into the slower steps of the dance. Sensual, body pressed up against his as if to teach with every fibre of his being, expression just as rapt and engrossed as it had been when he had danced with Steve.

"Relax, Grant, you've got this. I won't let you fall."

An echo of words that would probably be more painful to Steve than comforting, but at least Grant wouldn't know the connotations of saving one another from falling.

"I know I'm handsome, but maybe pay attention to the steps?"

Steve was more resilient than to let any out of context words hurt him. He had to seperate his memories from the present becsuse Bucky didn't purposefully try to hurt him. Even if this particular dance was a little heavy for him to watch. He seemed, more than Grant did, to struggle with his jealousy. Perhaps that was because he got to see all of his childhood fantasies played out with Grant because he was still small, still looked up at their boyfriend, and still fit comfortably in his arms. Steve had outgrown all of that.

He just had to keep reminding himself that Grant might be feeling the same way about watching the pair before him swing dance. He'd never be able to do that. And Steve might still enjoy moments like these with Bucky, after all. He wasn't missing out on anything.

Of course, Grant was much more blunt then a disciplined and well schooled Steve had learned to become. He didn't hold back when Bucky teased him in quite the same way. "I never want to stop looking at you," Grant blurted out, as he had done with all of his feelings up until this point when Bucky pressed. "Not ever. To hell with the steps."

Bucky hoped that eventually both of them would stop being jealous of the other, or going through those stupid self-sacrifice periods where they thought that Bucky would be better off just with the other one, but that would come with time. Just like his healing would come with time, and they all had many years together to figure it out.

He snorted, half amused and half touched, and smiled down at Grant. "You know, that's one hell of a mouth you've got on you, Steve'll be washing it out with soap if you don't watch your language."

The steps weren't mentioned again though, and when the dance wore down Bucky just pressed closer and closer until he ended the last chords by bending his head to kiss Grant tenderly. It was a different kiss, a different mood, to the one that he had shared with Steve, but no less meaningful for it.

Where Steve took what he could get, and though Grant had been like that most of the time too, Bucky's initial insistances of the way he felt had given Grant something of an empowerment to take just a little more than he otherwise would. Arms slipped up around Bucky's neck as he opened his mouth to him, eyes closed and breath light against his cheek.

Grant didn't have trouble seeing Bucky kiss Steve, but Steve still looked away when he kissed Grant. Especially like this. It was painfully romantic, especially the way Grant sighed afterward and lightly smoothed down the strings of the hoodie his boyfriend still wore. Grant had gotten bold with showing his emotions as Steve hadn't gotten to yet despite living for several years in this century.

It was amazing how youth affected them differently and how the more innocent Grant pushed the envelop more than the other.

Bucky always privately thought that the reason that Steve had always been so bold when he was young was because he hadn't expected to live that long. The doctors always thought he wouldn't survive long into adulthood, they were honestly surprised that he made it past childhood at all, and so why bother to be cautious when every breath and every day could be the last? Grant still had that, the bold nature of someone with nothing to lose.

Steve had spent a few years with the serum, finally assured that he did have a life ahead of him and strength that he needed to learn to control so that he didn't do damage with it. It had made him more cautious and given him a greater sense of when he might damage something along the way, even emotionally, that was probably the difference between them in Bucky's mind.

He bent his head and kissed Grant again, before stepping back and reaching out for Steve, seeing the way his eyes had averted.

"Grant... you think maybe you could get some food going? I need to do a perimeter sweep, make sure there's no bugs or booby traps, Steve will you come with me?"

The brightness in Grant's eyes were followed with a little salute. Technically, he'd made private. Bucky was a superior officer. He was the only one they wore his dog tags. He relished the little things that neither of the other two did. Again, that was his youth speaking. He wasn't quite as empathic as Bucky when it came to Steve and so he was sure that this had everything to do with food and nothing to do with Steve maybe needing s little one on one time with their boyfriend to see important again.

He'd be making pasta. It seemed to sit the best with Bucky and he could add a lot of things to the sauce that he could liquify. He just hoped that the reporters had all been rounded up and shown out. Bucky should be afforded his privacy.

After Strve got on his boots again and Grant left to return to Building 12, Steve fell into step with his friend. "Do you want to do a whole compound sweep?" It would take an hour, even for the , but would be doable.

"Yeah."

Even though he had an ulterior motive in wanting Steve out with him, Bucky still wanted to do a sweep anyway. He couldn't shake that paranoia that someone would be coming after him, or would be spying on him, and so it seemed important to check for himself that the security hadn't been compromised, even if that was stupid because JARVIS would know at once and Tony's security systems were extremely advanced.

He took them out into the afternoon sunshine, the day balmy and warm, and fell into step beside Steve to begin to head for the outer perimeter.

"You don't like it when I kiss Grant?"

Better to tackle this bluntly.

After constant bombardment when they first met with Bucky's blunt insights, Grant would not feel bad about this at all. It's was Steve's turn to have his innermost insecurities drawn out. Steve rubbed the back of his neck, uniform moving smoothly as if he was gliding through the grasses on a hunt and not just stepping over a well manicured lawn to walk the perimeter of what amounted to a walled in little hamlet.

"Uh... Honestly, it depends?" He had to focus all of that on the form of a question. "Sometimes-- No. I don't. It's a lot for me, Buck. I know he's me. But he isn't me."

Steve wasn't against sharing friends and pencils and laughs or part of his dinner but a lover was difficult for him. What if they ever became more intimate? It worried him that he couldn't cope with that.

"Grant's a stand up guy. I gotta tell you. I feel real bad about it too. Sometimes I just wish he wasn't here and immediately after, I hate myself for it."

"He's not you at all, not any more, you're both your own person."

He was just going to nip that in the bud right away, because he had enough of either of them thinking they could be replaced with another version of themselves. They were distinct, they shared a core of strength and honesty, but their personalities had already evolved in different ways.

"You know when you go out on a mission, sometimes I sit and stare at the phone for hours. He used to try and talk to me, but I wouldn't listen to him. When I kiss you, only you exist, and when I kiss him it's the same thing. I love you both, I need you both, because-- it's like there's these chunks out of my heart, like puzzle pieces, and you both have one. But one isn't enough, because that means there's still a piece missing. Me loving him, kissing him, it'll never mean I love you less, Steve."

Steve was a good guy. He nodded, but it was obvious he found the whole thing disappointing. Not that Bucky was actively watching the phone when he left. Or that he did the same thing when Grant used to go to school. It worried him thst it would make Bucky worse. It couldn't be healthy that he didn't function well when they were away and he was only with the one. Bucky went to visit Tony all the time and he'd never mentioned that.

He was just too much of s gentleman to tell Bucky how much it hurt to be erased when he kissed Grant. Or that they could only be happy when they were all together. Steve would give up anything for Bucky and a personal intimacy with him was just a small price. Almost nothing at all, really. He could handle it.

Steve smiled at his friend. "Still seems a little magical to hear it. That you love me." Yes. He was deflecting. "It's better than I thought it would feel. Still. Even now."

Steve had never been able to hide anything from Bucky or lie to him in the past, it had always been Bucky who had known when Steve's lungs hurt or when he didn't want to admit how tired he was. That hadn't changed, and Bucky fixed Steve with one of his steady penetrating stares, ones that seemed second nature after the Soldier.

"It's not enough, is it?"

It was enough for Grant, he knew that. He had seen how the jealousy had melted away and Grant had come to accept and embrace that he was loved, and that it didn't matter that part of Bucky's heart belonged to someone else.

Apparently not so for Steve, and Bucky wasn't about to let him get away with it.

Steve let out a long sigh as if he was trying to piece the words together in a way that would be easy to say and wouldn't hurt Bucky. "If it wasn't enough for me, I wouldn't be with you." But that probably wasn't true. Look at what he was doing now, trying to be content with what he had because he was truly happy with Bucky. Even if seeing Grant's romance with his best friend hurt him. He felt guilty for thst too. He wanted Bucky to have everything he wanted. And if that was the both of them, he wanted to be part of that.

They walked more slowly than they needed to. The discussion seemed to weigh them down more. Steve felt the burden on the back of his neck, like he was dropping the ball here and letting the whole team down. He just didn't know how to hide how he felt. And he didn't want Bucky to let him go. Having none of his boyfriend was worse than only one piece.

"I need time." He needed someone to talk to but me in his generation didn't do that. And he had a feeling that Sam wouldn't want to listen anyway.

Bucky should have known that it wouldn't all be smooth sailing. He had been immensely lucky so far to have as much of both men as he had, but it had to happen that it wouldn't be enough. He couldn't even blame Steve, not really, because what he was asking of him was more than any man had a right to expect from anyone else. Even in this age of enlightened sexual preference, it still wasn't the norm to be anything other than monogamous with your chosen partner.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, feeling and looking guilty as hell. He didn't know if he could give up either man, and he had no idea what would happen if he were forced to choose, but he knew that he couldn't continue on in a way that hurt someone he cared about. He was done hurting others.

"Yeah," he said, word soft. "Time."

He stopped pretty abruptly and turned off to the left, calling over his shoulder that he would check the outer buildings on his own.

Failure. Steve watched Bucky leave and he knew he couldn't just let it stand at that. Angry, mostly st himself, he jogged forward until he fell back into stride with his best friend. "I didn't meant now. I mean getting used to it," he snapped, scowling a little at Bucky's abrupt desire to end the conversation. "You can't just sweep it all up. Be a little fair to me. You're all I've wanted since we met. I've spent s whole lifetime watching you with other people and never feeling like it could ever happen to me. Watching you with Grant is like seeing into a fantasy. Hearing you say that I don't exist when you kiss him is like a gut punch. You always exist for me. Even when you were dead, you've never stopped being with me. So when I say I need time... Well what's so bad about that? We have a whole lot of time ahead of us."

He put his hand on Bucky's elbow to stop him so they they could look at one another and really talk about it.

"It hurts me, but that's not your problem. It's mine. You're not doing anything to cause it, Buck. It's my own head."

"It's not just your problem, Steve, it's mine too."

Bucky could try and outpace Steve if he wanted to, if he truly didn't want to continue this conversation, but he didn't. He allowed Steve to stop him with just a light touch and turned to face him, upset in his eyes even if he kept his voice level.

"I can't do this if it hurts you, either of you, I just can't. You're the one person I can't hurt again, Steve."

He scrubbed a hand over his face roughly, trying to see what the way ahead here was, but unable to figure it out for himself quite yet.

"It's not bad that you need time, it's bad that I'm asking you to be okay with something that you're not okay with. Do you get that? I can't do it. I'm not going to make you do it. So leave me alone to figure out how the hell I move forward from here."

"For a guy that just made my problem into everyone's problem, suddenly needing to be alone to make a choice that is probably going to make every one of us miserable isn't the way to go about it," Steve snapped. "You're really good with wanting to discuss this with us when you're trying to make arguments about why we are important to you, but how about you let us have a chance to talk about it? I'm-- I'm worried that you're going to decide to leave us both."

Grant would be devastated. Bucky would be alone. And Steve would lose his everything. Again.

"The worst case scenario here is going to lead you to exactly what you don't want."

No one else on the team was ever going to have this sort of feeling, Steve was sure. Expressing his difficulty with one thing was leading towards its destruction. He was so afraid that he had ruined everything by being honest.

"What am I supposed to say and do, Steve?"

Bucky allowed himself to be kept in place, not leaving just yet, eyes fixed on Steve's as if genuinely asking for instruction here. He didn't know where to turn, because any direction seemed to hurt at least one of them, and that wasn't acceptable any more.

"I can't do this if it's going to hurt you, do you get that? I'm not going to be that guy, not now or ever. So tell me how this works, Steve, what do you want to talk about that can make this have a different outcome?"

One could use their mouths for more than just words and Steve caught Bucky's chin and then his lips. It was aggressive but it was brief. "Do you feel that?" Becsuse Steve did, right in the pit of his stomach. "If I never felt that again, I would be done with. It's worth it to me to feel my way out of this and to figure out how to work through my own jealousy to keep having you."

He didn't want to leave it at that, but he couldn't do much else for it. Anything more might toppled this all like a deck of cards, stood on end. A touch could knock it over. He could feel a sort of agony spreading in his chest and it scared him.

"Please don't break us up yet because I'm jealous."

Bucky returned the kiss with every ounce of fierceness he had in him, fingers gripping Steve's forearms hard enough to leave bruises. But the kiss, rather than making him feel reassured, just made him feel as if he had a lump in his throat that he couldn't quite swallow.

"It's not about you being jealous," he murmured, all trace of anger gone. "It's about knowing that what I do... that every time I kissed Grant, it would hurt you. I can't hurt you day after day, Steve, don't you get that?"

He took a step backwards, fingers flexing.

"I don't want to lose you, I don't think I could, but I can't-- I'm not saying anything, just that I need to think. Let me go."

Whatever physical pain Bucky left him hurt and felt so good he might shudder to the ground in ecstasy. It was the worst position he had been in before and as Bucky stepped back and asked for his space, Steve nodded and let his chin fall forward. "Yeah. Yeah of course," he said, wanting to say something else. Something more. He had so much in him right now that he was filled to the brim with sorrow and regret and need. He stepped away first, leaving Bucky to his musings or his decisions.

Steve had to blink away his tears, not because he felt less of a man for crying (he'd learned to disregard that particular emotion), but because Sam Wilson was suddenly at his side. He hadn't meant to walk in on anything, considering they were just outside where he had been flying drills with Redwing, but he had see. It. And man, wow. That was more of a gut punch than he'd thought possible, thst confirmation. And the outcome.

Steve was his friend. And when a friend needed to do some sorting out, well, that's when it was important to provide a shoulder. Or to seek one out. Should Bucky choose the same, he'd find Grant trying to practice dancing while he cooked or Tony back at the scotch again.

Sam was a good friend to have. He might not be a gay super soldier from the past in a polygamous relationship with his best friend and another version of himself, but he was a good guy who rarely judged and was always ready with some calm advice. He would be there to listen if Steve needed to talk through things, to ask him questions to help him get to the root of his issues, and to hug it out if he needed that too.

Bucky couldn't go to Grant, not when it was Grant that might be affected by whatever he chose to do tonight, so it was to Tony that Bucky found his feet taking him. Appearing like a ghost right behind the man as he tipped the scotch into his mouth, voice low.

"I need help."

Fifty dollars worth of fine scotch ended up spit across the room as Tony scrambled half to his feet before he realized who had come crashing into his own pity party. "Jesus Christ, Barnes!" He wiped at his chin and then finished off the rest of his glass just in case he had another spit take on the way. "What next? You're one big bundle of drama lately. You can't take back anything you said in the press conference. It's already all over the news."

Most was good. Not all but most.

He sank back into the couch and patted the back of the spot beside him. He wasn't sure how good he'd be right now on the helping, mostly because he wouldn't trust himself in the armor, but he'd do his best. Of course, once he heard about the problem Bucky was having, he would just level the his friend with dark eyes and a sigh.

"If only k had your problem, pal. Which way are you leaning "

Bucky came to sit on the couch, though with his feet up and his arms wrapped around his knees. He usually sat on chairs in positions like this, or with his legs crossed, or any way except that which they were meant to be used. He didn't know exactly what was eating Tony, though it was obvious something was, but he didn't appreciate being told that his problem was a good one to have.

"How can I lean either way?"

He sounded miserable as sin.

"Choosing one of them means rejecting one, and I can't-- I don't know how to do that. Tony, they're my whole world, I don't think I can survive without them both. But I can't do this to Steve."

"Hate to break into your little emo romance fantasy, but you can actually live without them. Either of them or both of them. People don't work like that. Yeah, your gut might feel like it's going to explode and there's acid being poured into your chest but you know what? Life goes on if you let it go on. Guess it's actually up to you, Buck."

Yes. Sometimes Tony cslled him by the nickname too. At first, it was just to see if he could. Now? It felt natural to do it. Tony propped his feet up on the table and sucked on the edge of a piece of ice before he set the glass aside.

"Your choices are Steve only, Grant only, both or none. So take them apart. None, everyone is completely miserable. Both, Steve gets a little hurt from time to time but maybe it stops bothering him or you figure out a way to make it so no one has to see what you do intimately with the other. Steve only... Steve would be guilt ridden. Grant would probably be crushed but he'd be all right. He's adorable. He'd get another boyfriend down the road and go back to school and be fine in the end. Grant only... Grant would be sad about Steve but maybe not feel as guilty? I don't know him that well but he seems young and impulsive and better able to bounce back. Steve would probably keep on Captain America-ing. He probably won't meet anyone else because our pool is tiny. But he'd be all right. He's an island. Always has been. He's been living and breathing without you for years now. He'd be okay."

Tony was just making broad stretches here.

"But you? Huh. You'd leave if you could have neither. You'd stay if you had both or Steve only, but if you had both thst might not be sustainable and I think you'd go back to neither. And you'd leave again if it was just Grant. So I'm really leaning towards the just Steve. Least amount of broken hearts. But Grant is probably better in bed. So-- up to you."

Well, clearly Tony was bitter because of seeing Pepper that day, that explained why he was being so sour when it came to relationship talks. But he was wrong. It wasn't an emo fantasy, Bucky knew that he couldn't do it without either of them. Grant allowed him to feel as if he were able to protect, able to heal, able to do something other than destroy. Steve made him feel safe, loved, and happy. Having just one or the other would throw him completely out of balance, and he didn't know if he could recover from that another time.

But having them both... Tony was right, it would always end up in having neither, because he'd never be able to reconcile that what he was doing was selfishly hurting one or the other of them. But he honestly didn't know how to choose - Tony was right, they would both end up okay without him, they were strong, but he wouldn't end up okay.

He fisted his metal fingers into his hair in frustration, on the edge of tears but refusing to allow them to come.

"It's not fair," he muttered. "I can't do this. I can barely even choose what cereal to have on my own, how am I supposed to choose between them?"

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