fossilised | For Steve

Bucky honestly wasn't sure how he should feel about that. A part of him was proud and pleased that Grant would get something of his own, a safe path in life, and appreciation for his gifts that had nothing to do with his physical strength. But at the same time, the idea of him on a college campus, surrounded by people who could be a danger, perhaps away from Bucky for months at a time... that was much less good.

"You're going away to school?"

It wasn't the most loquacious of rejoinders, but it was what he had for now. Was Grant planning to go out of state, disappear to give Bucky some space? Or was he trying to reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere, that he'd be going to school here in New York and therefore Bucky needn't worry he'd be gone?

He glanced back at where Stark was eating his cake, brow furrowed. "Have you spoken to anyone about funding? It's not free, Grant."

Grant had been expecting pride or maybe just understanding. But the backlash be felt instead caused his jaw to clench. "I was talking about it with Doctor Banner after you left," he said, trying to be kind. "He helped me set up a social security number apart from Steve's. And he told be about loans and scholarships I can apply for online. I'm going to earn my own keep, Buck. And I'm more used to being poor than I am having everything handed to me," he reminded him.

Not that Bucky wanted to be reminded of anything. Despite Stark sitting right there, he reached up to pet the front of Bucky's shirt, carefully stroking down his chest to soothe him.

"You're crazy if you think I'm gonna leave you, pal. There are art schools in the city. You and me, right? You're my home. I'll get the logistics figured out. I don't know if they'd even want me. I don't have any proof that I went to school or anything. It's not like I can say who I really am. I'll figure it out! You have to focus on yourself right now."

It soothed at least a little of his worries to hear that Grant planned to go to school in the city, and he even looked slightly ashamed at being chided that Grant knew how to be poor. He shouldn't imply that he couldn't take care of himself, it was just that Bucky wanted to be the one to take care of him.

"They're going to want you."

Quiet, but certain.

"You're the best damn artist I've ever seen, you're gonna be teaching them how to do it after a semester." His brows furrowed, fingers twitching around Grant's as if to keep them close. "I don't want you to be in danger."

This was one of the craziest soap operas that Tony had ever seen in his life, and he propped his chin on his hand after dragging Steve's untouched cake towards him. It was just as delicious as the last bite. While he could easily give Grant the money, he didn't offer it. He didn't offer getting him a fake diploma either. And he didn't offer to make sure he had placement somewhere. It's not that he wasn't feeling charitable, but he knew Steve Rogers was a proud sort of man. This guy here was no different even if he was a decade or so younger.

"I'm going to be in a little danger everywhere," Grant said as he looked up at Bucky. This had been a good time for the conversation, he decided, considering that way that the Soldier was being stomped down by Bucky's more altruistic nature. "I just... I don't want to be in that compound. I don't have anything to contribute," he said. "And maybe art isn't a big contribution but there's already a Captain America. The world is already safer because of the Avengers. I'm all right with being alone for a little while, Buck, but I want to be alone around people."

It was how he had felt for a long time. He never fit in anywhere. He wanted to try.

He couldn't keep Grant a prisoner, he would never do that. Not to him, not to Steve, they mattered more to him than life. But he couldn't help that fear that he might well lose someone who mattered that much to him because of outside dangers, or just because once Grant got out into the world then he'd realise all these other people were better for him, and that he could have a good life outside of Bucky.

He swallowed hard and nodded, somehow looking like the more vulnerable one despite Grant being so much smaller and thinner.

"I get it, and I wouldn't stop you. But-- Can I come and see you? When you're in your new place on campus?"

Though he almost blurted out that Bucky could just stay with him (silly, he knew, Bucky would be here in the middle of Manhattan), he bit his lips and nodded a few times. "Well yeah. I'd be really hurt if you didn't. And I'll visit you here." He didn't mean to remind the other man that it was Bucky that was leaving. Again. Not Grant. Grant would have likely been completely content in their little house on the Compound had Bucky never left. He'd been apart of the Avengers. Traveling with Steve had been amazing. Bruce's willingness to let him help was even better. But this didn't feel like his world. How could a little man stand up next to giants when he would only get in their way? Oh, Grant did not want to do that. He'd seen what it was like with Steve, after all. He'd been a burden.

Tony finally spoke up, halfway through Stevs's cake, and sat back against the curving metal of the chair. "So here's the thing. Until you get settled, take one of the apartments in the building. Then you don't have to stay upstate when you don't drive and go to entrance interviews and I don't have to listen to Barnes crying because you're too far away," he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the chair to stand up and leave the room.

He wanted to find Rogers.

That was kind of the opposite of what Bucky wanted. He needed time away from Grant and Steve, not have one of them immediately move into one of the apartments in the same building, that completely defied the object of what he needed. Not that he could say as much, he just tensed his jaw as Stark left the room. But maybe Grant would understand without him needing to say, maybe Tony had another building in the city that he could gift an apartment from for the same reasons?

Steve wasn't very hard to find.

He was outside the main building on the street, leaning against the wall with his head tilted back to look up at the sky. He didn't even notice that there was starting to be a crowd, people who had noticed Captain America in the flesh and were now texting all their friends or posting pictures on twitter to get the word out.

Grant had almost been eager to think that he could have a place here but... Of course. Bucky didn't want him here. He shielded his hurt with a half smile. "I'd like to do this myself," Grant said after he had left. "I don't want handouts. I'm going to take out some loans and get a job so... You don't have to worry.... I won't be here." He didn't quite shrink away but he didn't really know why Bucky kept promising he would always be there and the. Just keep on leaving.

Tony didn't care what was going on upstairs. He had a hoodie on and a ballcap in his hand as he found Rogers on street level.

"We're going for a drive. You've got a whole lot of groupies amassing. Come with me." This was not an option. He wasn't asking. "We have to talk. No. I have to talk and you have to listen without interrupting me. I can't get this out of my skull and you're the only one I want to subject with this shit," he grumbled.

Steve looked tired, heartsore. He tried to hide it around Bucky as much as he could because none of this was Bucky's fault, and he didn't want to feed into that complex the man had about Steve wanting his old friend back. But he had been so hopeful this morning. Five days and nothing but the Soldier, and the first thing Buck had done was try to escape again.

He was trying not to let it get to him.

So he flashed Tony a tiny smile and let himself be led to wherever the car was, slipping inside and buckling himself in like a good boy.

"Alright-- what is it you want to talk about?"

There wasn't a slow start. No fumbling words. No nothing at all to be said in preface. Tony gunned the sports car through the streets despite the endless clog of cabs and the immoveable traffic. "Saw the video. They have video of him killing my parents. Saw it probably two dozen times but I lost count. Then I watched--" He wasn't sure how to describe what he watched. It was clinical in the description. Cold almost, even if there was no other way to get it out.

He slammed on his breaks and pulled over, fingers tapping the wheel, bile in his throat.

"Punishment for treating him like a person. God damn it, Rogers. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you making me feel like shit and I'm tired of digging holes for myself to fall in. I'm tired of people. I don't know why he wants to stay with me. I don't like him any more than I did before. Seeing him is a reminder of why I can't sleep and why you're always accusing me of being less than human myself. So you don't get to take a moment, got it? Not if I can't. You don't get to pout on the street like a heart sick school kid. I'm so sorry you're in love with something broken. But man up, Rogers."

Tony was breaking hard at the end of it and then leaned forward to press his face to the wheel. "She left me. Nothing has been right since. But yours will come back."

Steve wasn't a man who hated. He had never hated his enemies, not even during the war, he had fought because it was the right thing to do and because he wanted to protect people from bullies. But right there, in that sports car, Steve hated. He heard what had been done to Bucky and the bottom fell out of his world, making him feel for the first time as if he wanted to pull people apart limb from limb with his bare hands. It took a heck of a lot of self control to get him to pull it together.

What would that accomplish? Nothing. The people who did that to Bucky were dead now, probably for years, and it wouldn't help heal him. It wouldn't help pull any of them back together or stop the pain. He exhaled heavily through his nose and reached out to put a hand on Tony's back, strong and steady despite it all.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Tony," he said, because he was. He was more sorry for his best friend, but that didn't negate Tony's suffering. "I don't know why he wants to stay with you, maybe he feels like he wants to make up to you what happened because you still don't like him. I don't know. Doesn't matter. I'll talk to him when we get back and get him to see that it's not fair on you to stick around, I'll take him. You don't have to get involved."

He couldn't make Pepper come back, and he couldn't quite believe Bucky could make it back from something so horrific either.

"I'm sorry about Pepper too, Tony. But you're stronger than this, and you're not alone. You have friends at your back."

"Just shut up. This isn't something for you to fix." It also wasn't Steve's fault. Getting angry at him was pointless. There was no need for the snapping, there was no need for the anger. It was just that there was this not quite memory of Steve blaming him for not doing more that wouldn't get out of his crawl. That, and listening to Bucky say, through the worst of his torture, that he knew Steve was coming for him, that was just not meshing well. "I don't want you to talk to him. I want you to go away for a little while. I want you to take Grant and go be an Avenger and save the world somewhere that isn't anywhere near me."

Captain America had been the first Avenger. Tony might have been the longest running one, though, and that left him sick and tired. His lack of progress with the Ultron program wasn't helping matters either. He knew he should likely consult with Bruce, but he hated those understanding eyes of his. Tony didn't want any of that. Not from Steve. Not from Bruce. They could keep their sorrow for his lot in life to themselves.

Tony didn't need or want pity. He could buy his own happiness and everyone else's. It didn't matter at all how hollow it felt.

I need you both to just go. Tell your better self to call the main office and they'll get him set up for whatever he needs for college."

That wasn't a healthy way to deal with it, but Tony wasn't exactly known for being the healthiest of people. It was a shame, he was a good man at the heart of him, and if he'd just let himself rely on other people sometimes then he could probably be a lot happier in life.

"Tony-- Bucky needs someone to be there for him."

He wasn't arguing that he had to go. If neither Tony or Bucky wanted him around, then he would go back to the compound and he would help the Avengers hunt down HYDRA with every fibre of his body, and he knew that Grant would be okay getting into college. But no matter what Tony was going through, Bucky needed someone, and if Tony didn't want Steve to talk to him and take him away, then...

"I'm not saying that has to be you, I know you don't like him and you don't want him around. But he wants to stay with you and you told me not to talk to him. Whatever you think of him, Tony, he needs a friend."

And Tony wasn't the best at that. He wasn't good at compassion or sympathy or generally being there for another human being.

"If you can't do that, and I'm not blaming you if you can't, then you need to let me take him."

"You're not his dad, Rogers," Tony spat back, pulling back out into traffic again. "He's not a special needs kid and he doesn't need you to protect him or tell him what to do or not to do. He doesn't need you the way you think he does." That was the problem with the Rogers duo. They thought that they could do anything. Or that just being there was enough for Bucky.

But it wasn't. Only people that had truly suffered would probably know what Bucky was going through, and yes, Tony believed himself to be a victim in all of this. Not that he would let it get to him, but there was no way that Steve Rogers with his innate goodness and his morality could ever, ever understand what Bucky had gone through.

Tony himself could just barely scratch the surface.

But you don't hold out hope for the better part of seven years that, any moment, your best friend was coming to put an end to your suffering until your mind just breaks and be able to go back to the man you were. "He can't stomach looking at you two right now. I don't have to like him and I don't have to be there for him because that's exactly what he doesn't want, Rogers. If he did, he'd stay with you. Neither of us want to see you right now, so take a hint and leave us alone."

If Tony wanted to wound Steve, then he had picked a hell of a way to do it. Bucky had always been his weak spot and always would be, and the guilt he felt all the time over what his best friend had gone through would never abate. But to hear that Bucky probably didn't even want to look at him, couldn't stomach him, it made him want to cry. His adam's apple bobbed suspiciously hard in his throat as he swallowed a few times, fighting it down.

"Message received loud and clear," Steve managed to say, without disgracing himself by sobbing at the end of it. If Tony wanted to make Steve feel like a monster, he had sure done the trick.

"Just take me back to the Tower, I'll pick up Grant, and we'll be out of your hair." He wanted to leave it at that, he should leave it at that, but he couldn't. Because he didn't want them to think that this rejection meant he wouldn't care all the same. "But if either of you need me for anything, I'm just at the other end of a call and I'll always be there. You-- Would you tell him that for me?"

Or had he done something so heinous that Tony wouldn't even do that much for him?

If there was one thing that Tony was good for, it was playing the callous, awful human being card. He didn't always pull it out but on someone like Steve Rogers, it had done it's work ten fold. Tony actually felt a little guilty about it, but it needed to be done. Bucky would never do it and if he wanted time without the careful, patient, kind doting that the Rogerses would give him, it had to be Tony to do the dirty work.

He wasn't sure if Steve would forgive him for it, just like he didn't know if Steve was going to forgive him for triggering Bucky or for likely being the main reason that Bucky wanted to be with him now. But that didn't matter. Tony didn't need to be loved or liked. He'd gotten on for most of his life without either emotion from most people.

Of course, right up until Steve had to go and being that gentle, bleeding heart, Tony thought he'd managed to get the blond to leave him alone for good. But no. Steve could never leave it at that.

Somehow, he still managed to make Tony feel worse with his caring. "I know where to find you. Barnes knows where to find you too. And we both know you'll come running as soon as we need you." But it was just as likely that neither would ask for him. Steve was just too good.

Tony pulled the car back into the garage and climbed out before Steve could get his belt off. Captain America could more than keep up.

He'd actually expected to arrive home to the sound of Grant laughing or maybe some talk in the kitchen. Instead, Steve's younger self was sitting on the sofa, watching the city, back to them as the doors to the elevator opened. That was the first time that Tony really felt bad. He had a feeling Bucky told him that he didn't want him moving in so close. Yeah, he should have realized it. What an asshole he'd been. Oh well. True to character.

"JARVIS? I need you to fabricate a copy of the key to that place in Brooklyn for me," he said, loudly. "I think the owner of the apartment is going to want it back." Hey. He wasn't the one that bought up the old tenement. Blame his dad for that one.

Steve might not ever be able to forgive Tony for triggering Bucky, no matter what the circumstances had been, because it was such a violation of self and so damaging. That might remain between them for the rest of their lives, but Steve had already forgiven him for the rest. He forgave him for the harsh words, because sometimes the reality of life was harsh and he couldn't blame a man for telling him the truth.

It hurt a lot, and he knew it would hurt Grant too, but they would neither of them blame Bucky for needing to be alone. They would just have to have hope that he'd come back to them again, and that he'd be strong enough to keep going. And Steve would hope that for Tony too, that he wouldn't cut himself off forever, and he'd believe that he did still have friends that he could turn to.

"Grant-- hey, pal, come on. Let's go. We'll get you set up in your new apartment and then figure out college applications, what do you say?"

He wasn't going to hang around. Tony had made it very clear that he wanted Steve gone, and so he would take Grant and he would collect the key from the front desk as JARVIS had it issued, and he would go. Leaving Tony all alone in his massive tower with one ex-assassin.

"Okay." Grant sounded so far from himself that Tony actually had to leave the room. He went back down to his workshop, the one that the living room overlooked, and threw himself headfirst back into his work. He didn't like to hurt people. He knew that wasn't something anyone would believe, but it was still the truth. He didn't like to hurt anyone. It just happened and he was so callously good at it.

Maybe he ought to settle Ultron on protecting the world from people like himself. That might give him (everything he did was personified, always, Tony never built its) something worthwhile to do instead of trying to be a global shield.

Grant stood up slowly, turning, though his eyes were slow to follow his skull. He let the corners of his lips turn up and he crossed the room towards Steve.

"I don't know where he went," he said. Evidently, Grant's acknowledgement of Bucky's desire not to see him right now, or maybe the hurt in his eyes, had once more driven him away. Bucky was perpetually leaving him any more and he didn't know how to feel about that save for heartbreak. He lifted a hand to wipe a tear from his cheek. He needed to man up a little. None of this was the end of the world. "Mr. JARVIS, can you tell Bucky goodbye for us?"

In any other person, the fact that Steve liked Grant and considered him a friend would probably be considered extremely egotistical and narcissistic. But it wasn't. Steve didn't like Grant because he was the same person as him; he knew he wasn't perfect, he made mistakes and he did things that weren't good. He liked Grant because the guy was nice, pleasant, and polite. He didn't see Grant as another version of himself, he saw him as his own individual who just so happened to share some of the same past and genes.

He swallowed down his own sadness as JARVIS answered in the affirmative, before leading Grant outside and back to the car that they had driven here in. He didn't start the engine yet, though, he just looked over at the smaller man.

"You think Bucky's abandoning you, don't you?"

He felt heartsore himself, sick to his stomach, but he hadn't lost all hope and he didn't want Grant to lose hope too.

"I--" Hearing it get put to words, out loud, left Grant feeling guilty, but it was true. "I think he needs to be someone other than who he used to be. And I think I'm holding him back." He had to adjust the seatbelt so that would actually fit him, tugging down the shoulder strap. It still dug into his neck a little. "It doesn't really matter, Steve. If I can't be what he needs, then I would rather him look to someone that can."

It wasn't just talk. Grant and Steve could never lie like that. Not even to themselves.

"It just hurts. It really hurts. I don't remember what it was like before he found me in that alley. I don't know what it's like to live without him." He hung his head. "But my Bucky died. In the war. He died. And this is someone else. I have to respect that, you know? It's just real hard." He wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand. "I think I just need to actually mourn for him for awhile. And when he's ready to be friends again, well, I'll be there. And you'll be there. It's what he needs right now."

"If you need to mourn, then you should mourn." Steve was never going to stop someone from that, he had mourned for weeks after he thought he had lost Bucky on that mission. He had carried on, sure, but he had felt as if grief were strangling him every second of every day. If he hadn't let it out sometimes, then he probably would have broken into pieces.

"But you're wrong if you think you have to live without him." He paused and took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say. Tony and Bucky might think that Steve didn't get it, that he was waiting on the old Bucky, but they were both wrong. He understood far more than they gave him credit for. "I think he wants some space so that he can come back to you, to us. I don't see this as leaving or abandoning, it's just like a vacation. We both know that he's still Bucky, whether he's smiling or not, it doesn't matter. He knows it too, he just has to cement it in his head."

He reached out to put a hand on Grant's shoulder. "You know Bucky Barnes, same as I do, and you know there's nothing in this world that could make him break his word. If he said he won't leave, then he won't. If he goes for a while, well-- then it's just a while, not forever, and he'll come back. We just have to be ready for when that is and not lose hope."

"I know," he said, because Steve had to be hurting too. "I know. I just have to remember that I know." He closed his eyes and let the last part of his grief wash over him. "I think spending a little time on my own here would be good too. I wish Mr. Stark didn't feel the need to just throw money around, but it will be good to be back in Brooklyn and figure out my own way." A tiny smile formed on his lips as Steve put the car into reverse to pull out of the spot. "At least I won't need driving lessons. I've been studying the city. Buses and underground trains... It all seems really easy to get around. But.. We can still visit each other, right? When you're not off saving the day?" He'd really come to like Steve. Yes, they had the same lives up until the day Bucky shipped off, but so much had changed since then and it made them different people. "When you make it to Brooklyn, I mean."

He already knew Steve was going to say he would. And he also knew that he might end up seeing more of Steve than he did of Bucky for awhile. And that was good. No one else could really understand him. Grant had a lot to catch up on so that he could really start to fit into New York of the twenty-first century.

Back in the lab, Tony didn't even look up as he fitted two instruments together, waiting for JARVIS to finish a print out of his latest model. "You can stop hiding in the corner. They've left."

Bucky wasn't sure how he felt about what had happened that morning. To be quite honest, he still wasn't sure whether he really was exactly himself any more yet, the Soldier was still at the edges of his mind and looking at Tony brought the word handler to his head before it brought anything else. It was why when he spoke, and it didn't really come out as a suggestion, he moved to obey without thinking about it.

He stepped out from the shadows of the corner and just stared at Tony. He wasn't sure this was a good idea at all, but he had to be somewhere away from Steve and Grant for a while. Not because they didn't help, or because he hated either of them, but because the hope they looked at him with made his skin crawl with guilt that he couldn't be what they needed him to be.

"I know."

Of course he knew, he was always hypervigilant of his surroundings.

"Thank you for letting me stay, I won't get in your way. You won't even have to see me."

That made Tony laugh. "You're hiding in my lab from the two people that like you and accept you and love you most in those world and you say you're not going to get in my way?" He turned the chair around to grab one of his tools. "I have the worst feeling that all you're going to do is be in my way, but I guess I deserve you."

He needed to do penance, right? At least Tony said exactly what was on his mind. He told things like it was. It was neither more complicated nor simple as that. Bucky was either going to adjust to life in the penthouse of the most sought after building in New York to live or work in or he could go back to the compound. Or to Brooklyn. He had lots of options now.

"You want to help me understand why you're here and not with your pair of hot blonds? Because inquiring minds want to know what your deal is. Your real deal. Not the one I'm just guessing and using as a weapon."

Tony was fine with being the bad guy here, to take the heat off of Bucky and his decisions, but damn. Someone needed to really fill him in on what he was doing or he'd dissolve into some fantasy realm.

Edited 2017-02-26 12:48 (UTC)

It was oddly easier to talk to Tony. Maybe because Tony didn't like him at all, so Bucky didn't expect to see the sympathy and pain that spasmed onto Steve and Grant's faces when they learned some of the things HYDRA had done or some of the madness still in his head. Tony wouldn't care; hell, he might even think Bucky deserved the pain, and that made it easier to express.

Though he did it in a level voice that completely detached him from the situation, even if everything he said was true.

"I don't really know. A lot of the time I still don't know who I am, I just know enough to fake it with Steve and Grant. They're such good people, I don't want to ruin them with what I am and what I've done." What he let people do to him. "But maybe if I can make some kind of-- I don't know, make up to you what I did to your folks, whether that's by letting you punish me or helping you out or-- anything, then maybe I can say that I'm not all bad. Maybe there's enough of a possibility to let me go back to them and protect them. All I want is to be dead, but I can't, so what I want besides that is to protect them and give them a good life."

Stupid, probably didn't make any sense. He was prepared for Tony to tell him that he was being childish, or selfish, or any other insult.

"Besides, I like you."

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