fossilised | For Steve

When the door opened, there was someone actually behind it for once. Grant, who had somehow taken the lead, smiled up at him with that do gooder, friendly smile he'd always had since he arrived. "Hello, sorry for the intrusion. We brought--"

"I can't," Tony cut him off. "I can't be the Master. I can't command anyone to do anything. Not again that's done with and he's your problem now-- did you bring came? Are you trying to bribe me with cake?" Tony wrinkled his nose and then held open the door. "All right. Fine. Come in."

Grant glanced over his shoulder at the other two and watched Tony, wearing his father's robe, March into the kitchen area to pull out plates. Grant moved to help him, if only so they could speak. "He asked to speak with you. He asked, Mister Stark. So please, can we hear him out?"

Tony groaned. "I wish you weren't so cute. Fine. What do you want, Barnes? I think--". He paused, cake in his mouth as the others settled around the table. "Where did you buy this? It's really good!"

A part of Bucky reacted to the sight of Tony as if he were seeing his handler again. His muscles tensed, his head bowed into a natural state of submission, and he felt his breathing pick up slightly. He hated it about himself, but he knew enough to know that he couldn't help it and he should let it rest.

He was too quiet.

He opened his mouth to speak twice and nothing came out, as if he were afraid that by speaking out of turn he'd be punished. Maybe Steve was right and this should have waited another day or two, but he had been so desperate. He channelled that desperation now into determination, finally forcing words out in a rough voice.

"Thank you," he said, causing Grant to pause in his explanation that he'd cooked the cake because it was Bucky's favourite. "Thank you for letting me save you. Thank you for what you did in there. Thank you for everything you've done for me. And I'm sorry."

It was the first time anyone had bothered to apologize to him, though Tony looked guilty for hearing it. "I should be thanking you. That was a lot of quick thinking. My only contribution was a miscalculation."

Grant glanced between the two. No one had found out what had happened the nearly two weeks they had been lost. No one had even known that Bucky was with Tony. Or that Tony was kidnapped. And Tony didn't know how Bucky even ended up in Siberia. That last part he really didn't care about though. Grant, however, pushed a little harder into the silence that followed. "You bounced a signal off of a satelitte right? That's what made us come for you. Steve and Sam at least. They were already in Russia doing some recon work. It was a smart move."

Tony sighed at Grant, giving him a pass for that comment. Seriously. A smart move? That was like saying elephants were on the large side. "Well whatever. We got out. And that's all that matters." Being alive was better than being dead. Even if you had to deal with a lot shit while continuing to breathe. That was Tony's point at least.

Having had a lot of time to think about it, Steve decided to speak up too. "I'm sorry too. For the quinjet and the way I acting. I didn't have a right to lay my hands on you."

"Yeah you did. Maybe not for that but I'm sure I still deserve it." Tony chances a smile but it soured.

Bucky was still relatively sure that Tony hated him, no matter what had happened, and that was almost comforting. The gentle looks, the sympathy, the almost naked hope in the eyes of both Steve and Grant ever since he had spoken his first non-Soldier words that morning had been grating at his skin. He needed time, just like before, to figure out who and what he was. He itched to run and isolate himself, but he knew that would hurt them both deeply.

And so he made a choice.

"I want to stay here," he said, looking straight up at Tony asking for permission rather than at the other two, who he was worried might look betrayed or confused. "Can I stay here with you?"

Though Steve looked ready to speak up, Grant held his eyes and lightly shook his head. If Bucky wanted to be here, as much as that hurt him deeply, he should be allowed to be here. He should be allowed to be anywhere he felt safe. And this was better than having him just run off again, right?

Grant had felt like a failure since that perfect afternoon and evening with Bucky, and then with Steve. He'd been more or less useless and now he couldn't even do the one job he was good at: be the anchor and help Bucky stay himself. It took a lot of energy to keep his face stoic.

Especially when Tony shrugged. "Do what you want. Just stay out of my lab." Tony didn't actually want to be alone. That was the sticking point here. As much as he wanted solitude, the silence scared him. And hey. Maybe he could actually have someone to talk to in the meantime. Or maybe he'd make things worse and have Rogers knock his teeth in.

It was just as cathartic.

Steve got up from the table, excusing himself. For as much as they were the same, so too were they very different.

Bucky watched Steve go with a slight sinking sensation in his chest, and caught Grant's wrist before he could follow. His metal fingers curled around that slender wrist that he could snap like a twig, but he didn't, he was so careful and cautious not to actually hurt him. He just stepped in towards him and pressed a sudden and probably ill-advised kiss to his lips.

"I'm not leaving you."

He hoped.

"You're still my anchor. You and Steve. I just have to figure my head out for a while without putting you at risk. I need to talk to Tony, please don't-- please give me this space, but don't think you're not needed."

"I know you're doing this so you don't feel like you have to leave," Grant said easily, enough, but he wouldn't lie that it hadn't been nice for confirmation. That said, he wasn't sure if he appreciated being kissed in public. Or in front of Tony Stark. Not that Tony looked surprised. Or was even paying attention. He was just eating cake and looking down and staying out of this mess. Not his place. Normally he would be all over this stuff but his head was too filled with everything HYDRA managed to do to him in just one very long night. At least the cake wasn't going to hurt him. He couldn't say the same for most of the people in his life.

Grant cleared his throat and set his hand over Bucky's. He wasn't now and had never been afraid of Bucky.

"So you take all the time you need. Steve understands too. He just doesn't like the idea of not being with you." Selfless as ever, Grant smiled through pain the same way Steve usually did. "We're never too far away."

And yet Grant almost wished he was.

"I'm thinking about enrolling in art school," he said, suddenly, perhaps to try to assuage some of Bucky's fears. "I'm going to submit my portfolio. I mean-- it's something right? And you always wanted me to go."

Bucky honestly wasn't sure how he should feel about that. A part of him was proud and pleased that Grant would get something of his own, a safe path in life, and appreciation for his gifts that had nothing to do with his physical strength. But at the same time, the idea of him on a college campus, surrounded by people who could be a danger, perhaps away from Bucky for months at a time... that was much less good.

"You're going away to school?"

It wasn't the most loquacious of rejoinders, but it was what he had for now. Was Grant planning to go out of state, disappear to give Bucky some space? Or was he trying to reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere, that he'd be going to school here in New York and therefore Bucky needn't worry he'd be gone?

He glanced back at where Stark was eating his cake, brow furrowed. "Have you spoken to anyone about funding? It's not free, Grant."

Grant had been expecting pride or maybe just understanding. But the backlash be felt instead caused his jaw to clench. "I was talking about it with Doctor Banner after you left," he said, trying to be kind. "He helped me set up a social security number apart from Steve's. And he told be about loans and scholarships I can apply for online. I'm going to earn my own keep, Buck. And I'm more used to being poor than I am having everything handed to me," he reminded him.

Not that Bucky wanted to be reminded of anything. Despite Stark sitting right there, he reached up to pet the front of Bucky's shirt, carefully stroking down his chest to soothe him.

"You're crazy if you think I'm gonna leave you, pal. There are art schools in the city. You and me, right? You're my home. I'll get the logistics figured out. I don't know if they'd even want me. I don't have any proof that I went to school or anything. It's not like I can say who I really am. I'll figure it out! You have to focus on yourself right now."

It soothed at least a little of his worries to hear that Grant planned to go to school in the city, and he even looked slightly ashamed at being chided that Grant knew how to be poor. He shouldn't imply that he couldn't take care of himself, it was just that Bucky wanted to be the one to take care of him.

"They're going to want you."

Quiet, but certain.

"You're the best damn artist I've ever seen, you're gonna be teaching them how to do it after a semester." His brows furrowed, fingers twitching around Grant's as if to keep them close. "I don't want you to be in danger."

This was one of the craziest soap operas that Tony had ever seen in his life, and he propped his chin on his hand after dragging Steve's untouched cake towards him. It was just as delicious as the last bite. While he could easily give Grant the money, he didn't offer it. He didn't offer getting him a fake diploma either. And he didn't offer to make sure he had placement somewhere. It's not that he wasn't feeling charitable, but he knew Steve Rogers was a proud sort of man. This guy here was no different even if he was a decade or so younger.

"I'm going to be in a little danger everywhere," Grant said as he looked up at Bucky. This had been a good time for the conversation, he decided, considering that way that the Soldier was being stomped down by Bucky's more altruistic nature. "I just... I don't want to be in that compound. I don't have anything to contribute," he said. "And maybe art isn't a big contribution but there's already a Captain America. The world is already safer because of the Avengers. I'm all right with being alone for a little while, Buck, but I want to be alone around people."

It was how he had felt for a long time. He never fit in anywhere. He wanted to try.

He couldn't keep Grant a prisoner, he would never do that. Not to him, not to Steve, they mattered more to him than life. But he couldn't help that fear that he might well lose someone who mattered that much to him because of outside dangers, or just because once Grant got out into the world then he'd realise all these other people were better for him, and that he could have a good life outside of Bucky.

He swallowed hard and nodded, somehow looking like the more vulnerable one despite Grant being so much smaller and thinner.

"I get it, and I wouldn't stop you. But-- Can I come and see you? When you're in your new place on campus?"

Though he almost blurted out that Bucky could just stay with him (silly, he knew, Bucky would be here in the middle of Manhattan), he bit his lips and nodded a few times. "Well yeah. I'd be really hurt if you didn't. And I'll visit you here." He didn't mean to remind the other man that it was Bucky that was leaving. Again. Not Grant. Grant would have likely been completely content in their little house on the Compound had Bucky never left. He'd been apart of the Avengers. Traveling with Steve had been amazing. Bruce's willingness to let him help was even better. But this didn't feel like his world. How could a little man stand up next to giants when he would only get in their way? Oh, Grant did not want to do that. He'd seen what it was like with Steve, after all. He'd been a burden.

Tony finally spoke up, halfway through Stevs's cake, and sat back against the curving metal of the chair. "So here's the thing. Until you get settled, take one of the apartments in the building. Then you don't have to stay upstate when you don't drive and go to entrance interviews and I don't have to listen to Barnes crying because you're too far away," he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the chair to stand up and leave the room.

He wanted to find Rogers.

That was kind of the opposite of what Bucky wanted. He needed time away from Grant and Steve, not have one of them immediately move into one of the apartments in the same building, that completely defied the object of what he needed. Not that he could say as much, he just tensed his jaw as Stark left the room. But maybe Grant would understand without him needing to say, maybe Tony had another building in the city that he could gift an apartment from for the same reasons?

Steve wasn't very hard to find.

He was outside the main building on the street, leaning against the wall with his head tilted back to look up at the sky. He didn't even notice that there was starting to be a crowd, people who had noticed Captain America in the flesh and were now texting all their friends or posting pictures on twitter to get the word out.

Grant had almost been eager to think that he could have a place here but... Of course. Bucky didn't want him here. He shielded his hurt with a half smile. "I'd like to do this myself," Grant said after he had left. "I don't want handouts. I'm going to take out some loans and get a job so... You don't have to worry.... I won't be here." He didn't quite shrink away but he didn't really know why Bucky kept promising he would always be there and the. Just keep on leaving.

Tony didn't care what was going on upstairs. He had a hoodie on and a ballcap in his hand as he found Rogers on street level.

"We're going for a drive. You've got a whole lot of groupies amassing. Come with me." This was not an option. He wasn't asking. "We have to talk. No. I have to talk and you have to listen without interrupting me. I can't get this out of my skull and you're the only one I want to subject with this shit," he grumbled.

Steve looked tired, heartsore. He tried to hide it around Bucky as much as he could because none of this was Bucky's fault, and he didn't want to feed into that complex the man had about Steve wanting his old friend back. But he had been so hopeful this morning. Five days and nothing but the Soldier, and the first thing Buck had done was try to escape again.

He was trying not to let it get to him.

So he flashed Tony a tiny smile and let himself be led to wherever the car was, slipping inside and buckling himself in like a good boy.

"Alright-- what is it you want to talk about?"

There wasn't a slow start. No fumbling words. No nothing at all to be said in preface. Tony gunned the sports car through the streets despite the endless clog of cabs and the immoveable traffic. "Saw the video. They have video of him killing my parents. Saw it probably two dozen times but I lost count. Then I watched--" He wasn't sure how to describe what he watched. It was clinical in the description. Cold almost, even if there was no other way to get it out.

He slammed on his breaks and pulled over, fingers tapping the wheel, bile in his throat.

"Punishment for treating him like a person. God damn it, Rogers. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of you making me feel like shit and I'm tired of digging holes for myself to fall in. I'm tired of people. I don't know why he wants to stay with me. I don't like him any more than I did before. Seeing him is a reminder of why I can't sleep and why you're always accusing me of being less than human myself. So you don't get to take a moment, got it? Not if I can't. You don't get to pout on the street like a heart sick school kid. I'm so sorry you're in love with something broken. But man up, Rogers."

Tony was breaking hard at the end of it and then leaned forward to press his face to the wheel. "She left me. Nothing has been right since. But yours will come back."

Steve wasn't a man who hated. He had never hated his enemies, not even during the war, he had fought because it was the right thing to do and because he wanted to protect people from bullies. But right there, in that sports car, Steve hated. He heard what had been done to Bucky and the bottom fell out of his world, making him feel for the first time as if he wanted to pull people apart limb from limb with his bare hands. It took a heck of a lot of self control to get him to pull it together.

What would that accomplish? Nothing. The people who did that to Bucky were dead now, probably for years, and it wouldn't help heal him. It wouldn't help pull any of them back together or stop the pain. He exhaled heavily through his nose and reached out to put a hand on Tony's back, strong and steady despite it all.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Tony," he said, because he was. He was more sorry for his best friend, but that didn't negate Tony's suffering. "I don't know why he wants to stay with you, maybe he feels like he wants to make up to you what happened because you still don't like him. I don't know. Doesn't matter. I'll talk to him when we get back and get him to see that it's not fair on you to stick around, I'll take him. You don't have to get involved."

He couldn't make Pepper come back, and he couldn't quite believe Bucky could make it back from something so horrific either.

"I'm sorry about Pepper too, Tony. But you're stronger than this, and you're not alone. You have friends at your back."

"Just shut up. This isn't something for you to fix." It also wasn't Steve's fault. Getting angry at him was pointless. There was no need for the snapping, there was no need for the anger. It was just that there was this not quite memory of Steve blaming him for not doing more that wouldn't get out of his crawl. That, and listening to Bucky say, through the worst of his torture, that he knew Steve was coming for him, that was just not meshing well. "I don't want you to talk to him. I want you to go away for a little while. I want you to take Grant and go be an Avenger and save the world somewhere that isn't anywhere near me."

Captain America had been the first Avenger. Tony might have been the longest running one, though, and that left him sick and tired. His lack of progress with the Ultron program wasn't helping matters either. He knew he should likely consult with Bruce, but he hated those understanding eyes of his. Tony didn't want any of that. Not from Steve. Not from Bruce. They could keep their sorrow for his lot in life to themselves.

Tony didn't need or want pity. He could buy his own happiness and everyone else's. It didn't matter at all how hollow it felt.

I need you both to just go. Tell your better self to call the main office and they'll get him set up for whatever he needs for college."

That wasn't a healthy way to deal with it, but Tony wasn't exactly known for being the healthiest of people. It was a shame, he was a good man at the heart of him, and if he'd just let himself rely on other people sometimes then he could probably be a lot happier in life.

"Tony-- Bucky needs someone to be there for him."

He wasn't arguing that he had to go. If neither Tony or Bucky wanted him around, then he would go back to the compound and he would help the Avengers hunt down HYDRA with every fibre of his body, and he knew that Grant would be okay getting into college. But no matter what Tony was going through, Bucky needed someone, and if Tony didn't want Steve to talk to him and take him away, then...

"I'm not saying that has to be you, I know you don't like him and you don't want him around. But he wants to stay with you and you told me not to talk to him. Whatever you think of him, Tony, he needs a friend."

And Tony wasn't the best at that. He wasn't good at compassion or sympathy or generally being there for another human being.

"If you can't do that, and I'm not blaming you if you can't, then you need to let me take him."

"You're not his dad, Rogers," Tony spat back, pulling back out into traffic again. "He's not a special needs kid and he doesn't need you to protect him or tell him what to do or not to do. He doesn't need you the way you think he does." That was the problem with the Rogers duo. They thought that they could do anything. Or that just being there was enough for Bucky.

But it wasn't. Only people that had truly suffered would probably know what Bucky was going through, and yes, Tony believed himself to be a victim in all of this. Not that he would let it get to him, but there was no way that Steve Rogers with his innate goodness and his morality could ever, ever understand what Bucky had gone through.

Tony himself could just barely scratch the surface.

But you don't hold out hope for the better part of seven years that, any moment, your best friend was coming to put an end to your suffering until your mind just breaks and be able to go back to the man you were. "He can't stomach looking at you two right now. I don't have to like him and I don't have to be there for him because that's exactly what he doesn't want, Rogers. If he did, he'd stay with you. Neither of us want to see you right now, so take a hint and leave us alone."

If Tony wanted to wound Steve, then he had picked a hell of a way to do it. Bucky had always been his weak spot and always would be, and the guilt he felt all the time over what his best friend had gone through would never abate. But to hear that Bucky probably didn't even want to look at him, couldn't stomach him, it made him want to cry. His adam's apple bobbed suspiciously hard in his throat as he swallowed a few times, fighting it down.

"Message received loud and clear," Steve managed to say, without disgracing himself by sobbing at the end of it. If Tony wanted to make Steve feel like a monster, he had sure done the trick.

"Just take me back to the Tower, I'll pick up Grant, and we'll be out of your hair." He wanted to leave it at that, he should leave it at that, but he couldn't. Because he didn't want them to think that this rejection meant he wouldn't care all the same. "But if either of you need me for anything, I'm just at the other end of a call and I'll always be there. You-- Would you tell him that for me?"

Or had he done something so heinous that Tony wouldn't even do that much for him?

If there was one thing that Tony was good for, it was playing the callous, awful human being card. He didn't always pull it out but on someone like Steve Rogers, it had done it's work ten fold. Tony actually felt a little guilty about it, but it needed to be done. Bucky would never do it and if he wanted time without the careful, patient, kind doting that the Rogerses would give him, it had to be Tony to do the dirty work.

He wasn't sure if Steve would forgive him for it, just like he didn't know if Steve was going to forgive him for triggering Bucky or for likely being the main reason that Bucky wanted to be with him now. But that didn't matter. Tony didn't need to be loved or liked. He'd gotten on for most of his life without either emotion from most people.

Of course, right up until Steve had to go and being that gentle, bleeding heart, Tony thought he'd managed to get the blond to leave him alone for good. But no. Steve could never leave it at that.

Somehow, he still managed to make Tony feel worse with his caring. "I know where to find you. Barnes knows where to find you too. And we both know you'll come running as soon as we need you." But it was just as likely that neither would ask for him. Steve was just too good.

Tony pulled the car back into the garage and climbed out before Steve could get his belt off. Captain America could more than keep up.

He'd actually expected to arrive home to the sound of Grant laughing or maybe some talk in the kitchen. Instead, Steve's younger self was sitting on the sofa, watching the city, back to them as the doors to the elevator opened. That was the first time that Tony really felt bad. He had a feeling Bucky told him that he didn't want him moving in so close. Yeah, he should have realized it. What an asshole he'd been. Oh well. True to character.

"JARVIS? I need you to fabricate a copy of the key to that place in Brooklyn for me," he said, loudly. "I think the owner of the apartment is going to want it back." Hey. He wasn't the one that bought up the old tenement. Blame his dad for that one.

Steve might not ever be able to forgive Tony for triggering Bucky, no matter what the circumstances had been, because it was such a violation of self and so damaging. That might remain between them for the rest of their lives, but Steve had already forgiven him for the rest. He forgave him for the harsh words, because sometimes the reality of life was harsh and he couldn't blame a man for telling him the truth.

It hurt a lot, and he knew it would hurt Grant too, but they would neither of them blame Bucky for needing to be alone. They would just have to have hope that he'd come back to them again, and that he'd be strong enough to keep going. And Steve would hope that for Tony too, that he wouldn't cut himself off forever, and he'd believe that he did still have friends that he could turn to.

"Grant-- hey, pal, come on. Let's go. We'll get you set up in your new apartment and then figure out college applications, what do you say?"

He wasn't going to hang around. Tony had made it very clear that he wanted Steve gone, and so he would take Grant and he would collect the key from the front desk as JARVIS had it issued, and he would go. Leaving Tony all alone in his massive tower with one ex-assassin.

"Okay." Grant sounded so far from himself that Tony actually had to leave the room. He went back down to his workshop, the one that the living room overlooked, and threw himself headfirst back into his work. He didn't like to hurt people. He knew that wasn't something anyone would believe, but it was still the truth. He didn't like to hurt anyone. It just happened and he was so callously good at it.

Maybe he ought to settle Ultron on protecting the world from people like himself. That might give him (everything he did was personified, always, Tony never built its) something worthwhile to do instead of trying to be a global shield.

Grant stood up slowly, turning, though his eyes were slow to follow his skull. He let the corners of his lips turn up and he crossed the room towards Steve.

"I don't know where he went," he said. Evidently, Grant's acknowledgement of Bucky's desire not to see him right now, or maybe the hurt in his eyes, had once more driven him away. Bucky was perpetually leaving him any more and he didn't know how to feel about that save for heartbreak. He lifted a hand to wipe a tear from his cheek. He needed to man up a little. None of this was the end of the world. "Mr. JARVIS, can you tell Bucky goodbye for us?"

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