fossilised | For Steve

Steve studied his feet. They were covered in grass stains and sugar. "I've always really found you attractive. I've never met anyone that hasn't," he said as an attempt to deflect. "It's not why we became friends. You helped me out. You were always so nice to me. But I've had to hide it for so long-- I know you said it's different here but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it. It's not the way we were brought up. And after that happened to you..."

He did look over Bucky's body. The scar tissue wasn't attractive, it was a road map of pain and of suffering. But it was still Bucky. It didn't detract from his physical appeal either.

"I know you don't see it in yourself any more. But the way you're laying... It does something to me that I'm not proud of. I'm trying not to take advantage of that. Even if we've... Kissed. It never has to go further." Oh God. What would further even be? Steve had trouble even picturing it without shying away from imagining his fingers all over Bucky's skin. "None of what I'm feeling is proper and you deserve better."

"I don't remember it all, but I'm pretty sure that I wasn't raised to murder anyone either, or swear, or-- all of the other hundred and one things that I've done. I think finding another man attractive is probably the least of those crimes."

He sat up on the sofa, but he made no move to stand or to get closer. This was an awkward discussion for Steve, he could tell, and he didn't want to crowd the smaller man or make him feel more uncomfortable.

"I don't care if you find me attractive, I don't even care if you want to act on it. I can't promise that I'll always want to reciprocate, but I'm learning about myself all the time, and I don't mind learning these things with you too."

Steve didn't shrink back. Now that they were discussing this, no matter state of dress or frosting covering, Steve would push through. He wasn't comfortable at all. That would translate in the way he stood, but his resolve was there, bright as the blue of his eyes. "I don't want you to debase yourself because I find you attractive," Steve said solemnly. "I don't want you to do anything based on what I want, only on what you want. And until you know what that is, even if it isn't me, it's not right for me to... To openly display how I feel about you."

This world didn't make people like Steve Rogers any more. Even back where he was from, people like Steve were almost an anamoly. He wasn't like Bucky, able to find a new girl each weekend for a little fun in a dance hall and some necking after. He wanted one person. He wanted to be only the one for them too.

And Bucky never struck him as the one person sort of guy.

Steve rubbed one of his arms and managed to look sheepish and determined all at the same time. "I won't apologize for being in love with you, Bucky. But becsuse I'm in love with you, I want to make sure this is right. And if it turns out that it isn't, well we are always going to be friends. That's a done deal."

Bucky almost wished that he could know right then and there if he loved Steve in return, because it seemed cruel to him to keep him waiting in suspense, but he honestly didn't know. He had to figure out who he was first, before he could be figuring out how he felt about other people, and Steve had the right of it that it wasn't a good idea to just go jumping into things like this before he was ready.

He finally did push off the couch so that he could stride to Steve and touch him on the cheek, rubbing a bit of flour away from the pasty white skin with genuine tenderness that couldn't be denied.

"I don't want you to apologise, and I don't want to promise what I can't give. But Steve, I know that when I kissed you, or when you say that, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel safe, happy."

He doesn't know if that will translate to anything happening between them in the future, but he wants to stop Steve from feeling guilty about his body and his feelings, he should just accept them.

"You're always going to be safe with me," Steve promised, wrapping his arms around Bucky suddenly. He had to stand on his toes to do it but he didn't care. Sometimes it took more than words to get his point across.

And maybe later he could get another kiss. Because even if Bucky didn't love him., and even if it was a little selfish, if it felt good to both of them then why not indulge a little?

"Looks like you're going to need a shower too," Steve quipped as he moved back a pace, still blushing and probably a little oblivious that he had just rubbed his attraction all over Bucky. Whoops. He was more focused on the sugar anyway. "See you back here in twenty for some weeping over the cake."

Bucky didn't shy away from Steve's touch. It was odd, the only person that he let consistently get this close to him, and it soothed him. Everything that Steve did, every word, every-- everything, it just brought Bucky that much closer to being human and he wondered if the man had any idea how amazing that was.

He smirked and bent to press a kiss to Steve's forehead on instinct, the taste floury, before he stepped back and rubbed himself down to just leave streaks of white across his slightly more tanned skin.

"Yeah-- go shower, I'll do the same, but that cake isn't gonna make me weep. Dry eyes, you'll see."

Steve still felt a tremor going through him at that touch. That little kiss. It was wonderful and left him feeling as electric as all of the crazy appliances in this house. He pattered off to wash the chlorine and the sugar from his skin, dressed in a nice warm sweater and slim trousers. He still didn't bother with socks. He really loved the feel of the carpet under his toes.

By the time they both were finished their showers and dressed, it was time for the moment of truth. Steve did the honors, slicing up two big pieces of cherry frosted chocolate cake. The cherries baked inside oozed out too. It was still just a little warm and it smelled wonderful. He slid one plate towards Bucky, big blue eyes eagerly awaiting the verdict.

"I have tissues handy."

Steve wouldn't need the tissues, because Bucky wasn't about to cry over cake, but the look on his face should say it all the same. As the Soldier he had been given mostly bland and tasteless food, carefully calculated to the right nutritional value without anything else to it, and on the run he had just eaten whatever he got his hands on because he had pretty much forgotten that food was meant to be a pleasure as well as functional.

This reminded him.

The slight bitterness of the dark chocolate, the sweetness of the frosting, the sharpness of the cherries... it was all perfect and Bucky's eyes widened in surprise before he started shovelling it into his mouth as though frightened it might be taken away from him if he hesitated too long.

"S'good," he mumbled through a mouthful, already eyeing the rest of the cake for another slice.

Steve was a little bit skeptical at the relish in Bucky's movements so he tried a little piece of cake himself and grinned. "Not as good as mom's but wow-- It really reminds me of hers," he grinned, a little less forceful with each mouthful than Bucky was. The cherries had come from a can, the chocolate had been in what the package called morsel form but it was just all so good. Chocolate had been heavily rationed during the war, enough so that Steve hadnt had any for almost a year now.

He sliced Bucky another piece as he perched on the high chair at the counter, watching his friend devour it. He would make Bucky cakes every single day from here on out just to see this look on his face. It might not be tears but it was so much better.

"Guess this means we're inviting Steve for poker tonight?" It would be good to have someone else here just to give what had been a mostly fantastic day some real meaning.

Bucky was going to have a good night too. The chocolate and the pool and their little understanding that Steve would respect all of his boundaries would just cement thst into place.

Bucky honestly wasn't so sure that having someone else round, even if that someone was the safest pick out of all of them being the other Steve, would do anything other than ruin the evening. But he had agreed, and he wasn't about to keep Steve in isolation for the rest of his life, he wasn't that cruel.

"...yeah," he said, scraping the last bit of cake from his plate and standing up. "I'll go and invite him."

He didn't relish the idea of going to the other buildings where the layout wasn't known and there were people that he didn't know or trust, but he liked the idea of sending Steve over there a whole lot less. Besides, he had a fair idea that Steve, the other Steve, wouldn't accept the invitation unless it came from him. He was the same, wanting to respect Bucky's boundaries.

"You put the rest of that cake in my room, okay?"

He was half joking, but it helped cover up the nerves he felt. Almost like he was about to go onto a battlefield rather than just across the compound yard.

It was the gentlemanly thing to do to go around yourself and ask in person for someone to come and visit for a party. Steve didn't think too much of it actually. He just nodded and pulled the plate across the table towards him. "If you're going to go over, will you see if you can borrow some strawberries? I could make strawberry shortcake for you tomorrow."

Steve didn't want to be a sort of homemaker to Bucky but it was such a quick and easy thing to make the other man happy. And that was his number one goal.

"Oh! And hey. See if they have chips instead of beans to play with?" He grinned and whisked the cake and himself away from Bucky. He wouldn't be there to say goodbye. That was a little too motherly. Or girlfriend-ish.

It wasn't what he was going for.

In the main building, Steve wouldn't be there to open the door but Tony would be. He made a little motion towards the patio where Steve was doing crunches. He barely looked up from his magazine or his peanuts that he was eating.

It wasn't far to go to get to the main building, perhaps thirty yards or so, but Bucky's entire posture changed on the way over there. His muscles tensed, his gait became that of the Soldier ready for an attack, and his expression smoothed into the carefully neutral blankness that helped protect him.

He stared hard at Stark, but he could see Steve around the corner on the patio and so he stepped through and stopped a short distance away. He looked so different and yet so much the same, giving rise to the same sort of safe feelings as the other Steve, though muted because he felt in the midst of unsafe territory.

"Steve," he said, words quiet. He wouldn't speak beyond that, just wait until the other man had finished with his crunches and noticed he was there.

If it had been anyone else, except maybe Sam, Steve would have kept going, working through his sweat as he rounded eight hundred in his count. He tried to do a thousand at a time, just to keep himself challenged. But for Bucky? He'd never gotten to his feet faster. Not even during a fight. "Buck? Hey. Everything all right?" he asked, breathing hard, his tee shirt tight and sweaty. That same shirt on the man back at home would be big enough for him to swim in. "You could have called JARVIS."

He was just trying to give him options, being there for him without being there. It was hard. Especially when his bedroom window faced the living room of Bruce's lab building. He'd seen the pair at night when the lights were on eating popcorn and trying to figure out the television. They always sat close together, but that was usual. He and Bucky had always been close. Always.

He grabbed a towel to wipe off his face and smiled. Waiting. Eager almost.

This was the same man that stood in front of him an hour ago and said that he loved him and he found him attractive and he was fine with being friends. He was taller and wider and stronger but he was the same man with all of the same hopes and dreams.

It was almost sweet that Steve got right to his feet, and Bucky couldn't help the tension leech out of him just a bit. Steve was the same no matter who he was, whether he was big and buff, or small and sickly, and that meant that this man was intrinsically someone he felt that he could trust too.

"I don't need anything from JARVIS, I came to invite you over tonight. Just you. We'll play poker, eat some dinner."

It was a little strange offering such a formal invitation, but hopefully Steve understood it as the tiny progress steps that he was trying to make and knew what a big deal it was that he was the one being invited in. And maybe if it went well, after he got to spend a whole evening with Bucky (and his other self), it might lead to him being welcome more often.

"Do you-- Are you busy tonight?"

Though he had dinner plans with Sam, his friend was going to understand when he canceled. "I'm-- Yeah, absolutely. What time do you want me? And can I bring something?" His heart was slowing down from the rigorous exercises, but he could already feel it quickening again just from the thought of spending time with Bucky. The chicken wings and pizza rolls didn't matter so much as the company. Even if the other Steve would be there. That was fine. He needed to stop being jealous and just start understanding that the smaller version of himself was more familiar to Bucky. More like home. And maybe then he could focus on if it was better to bring some pizza rolls or chicken wings over to the poker night he was going to have with Bucky.And himself.

In the end, only Bucky was important. He just wanted to finally be involved with some of Bucky's rehabilitation. He wanted to care for him the way that Bucky always had when he needed it.

He gently beckoned for Bucky to follow him back inside of he wanted to. Just in case they needed to ask Tony for cards and chips. He probably had some Iron Man themed ones. The man had Iron Man branded everything. He was a marketing genius.

Edited 2017-02-19 04:08 (UTC)

He didn't follow Steve towards the inside of the house, instead planting his feet solidly outside. He had come to find Steve, but he wasn't comfortable enough to go into a building that might have any number of strangers in it, especially when most if not all of them would be highly trained and likely able to give him a run for his money in a straight fight.

"Come at seven, bring cards and chips. I'll cook."

He hesitated and then offered Steve, this Steve, the first smile just for him. Small and slightly strained, but there.

"And maybe come ready to lose, I'm feelin' lucky."

Steve had a more affectionately hopefully look on his face at a smile than the other did, likely because he had seen so much more of his frowning and had to deal with not being known. He stood just inside the door, head tilted so that he looked up through his eyelashes at Bucky. He was fit now, and huge, but inside was still the scrawny kid he'd used to be.

"Sure you don't want me to bring beans then so you can throw them up?"

Steve Rogers had the original memory. The other Steve in the other building was from an alternate dimension as he now understood it thanks to Tony's confusing explanation which included using dolls Steve had no idea he even possessed. Their memories weren't entirely so alternate however. Not up until the night Bucky left for war.

"See you at seven," he replied finally. Three hours away. He was honestly excited about it.

By the time Bucky returned, Steve was laid out on the sofa on his stomach, making a list based off of JARVIS' suggestions. Pizza. Beer. Potato chips and pretzels. Evidently there were certain standards to current, modern day poker parties.

Bucky felt a wash of relief when he slipped back in the door of the low building that he shared with Steve, as if this truly was a sanctuary against the world. Stupid, it was just a building like any other and no safer for it, but it was the association in his mind that this was a home with Steve.

He flopped down on the couch beside Steve's hair and rested the fingers of his metal hand lightly atop his head, unable to feel the texture of Steve's hair, but noting the pressure of touch against the hand anyway.

"He's coming over at seven, we'll have dinner, he's bringing cards and chips."

He exhaled a long and ever so slightly shaking breath.

"Steve, why am I scared?"

Maybe he shouldn't appreciate the hand on his head but it made him want to drop his cheek to his forearm and close his eyes. Bucky never ceased having a protective presence about it. Not even when he was so far away or someone else entirely. There was always that reassurance that he would remember who he was again shortly. And that was its own comfort.

Instead of giving in and yielding, Steve put his list aside and pushed himself up until he was sitting on his heels and kneeling. Both of his hands held onto Bucky's metal hand In his lap.

"I think it's something you've got to work through," Steve said quietly. "Because the man we are having over for a game is just me. And he's been hurting having to keep you at arm's length. He wants to help you and protect you as much as I do. The only real difference between him and me is that he knows what war is. And he shared some real tough times with you. Tougher than long winters and not having enough to eat. You both know what it's like to see your friends get hurt and suffer. That's something I can't help with, no matter how much I want to. So we can piece out what about him makes you afraid and maybe that will help."

He nodded, making no move to take his hand back from where Steve held it. The metal was smooth and cool, like segmented armour plates that shifted and hummed very softly whenever Bucky moved the joints. He had no idea that every so often Tony looked over and wished he could get his hands on that arm to examine it.

"I don't know."

That wasn't entirely true, he had some idea what it might be that scared him, but he didn't really want to talk about it. Getting to feel more human had been very beneficial in a lot of ways, but the more Bucky remembered, the less he was comfortable talking about it even with Steve.

"I guess it doesn't matter, I can handle it." He would find a way to handle it. "I said that I would cook, what d'you want?"

Steve treated the metal band as if it was real. His thumb made slow circles over some of the segments, but he kept his eyes up at level with Bucky's. "We can always talk about it if it will help," Steve said immediately because he could feel the other pulling away. That was frightening and though Bucky had said he was all right with Steve being close and finding him attractive, maybe it was making it uncomfortable for him after all.

He wasn't sure if he should take his hands away or not until Bucky mentioned getting up to cook. He bit his lower lip and withdrew, picking up his list again.

"We could make a pizza? JARVIS said you usually deliver but we could do it by hand?" It might be fun to throw around some dough and it might lighten the mood just a little.

One of these days Bucky was going to get it through to Steve that no matter what else frightened him or made him pull away, the idea of an attraction between them wasn't it. He didn't care that Steve looked at him that way; hell, he might even feel the same when he could figure it all out in his head. But he had no idea, all he saw was the bite to his lower lip.

He'd done something wrong here.

"Yeah, okay. I've never made a pizza before, but we can give a try."

He pushed himself properly off the couch then and looked down at Steve in invitation for him to come along. The other Steve might not be coming for a few hours yet, but god knows it might take that long for them to make something halfway edible.

As complicated as human emotions happened to be, Bucky wouldn't likely get Steve to accept anything about himself for some time. It was just the way of the world but at least Steve didn't let it overcome him. He was stronger than a lot of people that way. So he followed Bucky into the kitchen and after a flour fight and prying some ceiling pizza off of the ceiling after one very enthusiastic throw, two pies were put into the oven covered in a messy array of cheese and pepperoni. There was flour in Steve's hair and he shook it out before trying to wipe some of the mess off of Bucky's face.

Today had been a long, mostly good day. They had some ups and downs but we're starting to even out, even if Steve's laughter once again rang across the building when his attempt to clean Bucky up just made it worse.

"It's a good thing we don't have water rations here," Steve grinned. "Or we would be in a lot of trouble!"

Bucky tilted his cheek almost subconsciously into Steve's touch, deep blue eyes fixed on cornflour blue ones affectionately. Perhaps it wasn't very overt, Bucky was muted in his reactions a lot of the time now, but Steve should surely have started to be able to read Bucky's emotions better than he had at first.

"I think it's because he was my last target," the words came out soft, but no less sure for it. Perhaps he should have joined in the joking about water, but in this moment he suddenly felt safe enough to talk, like Steve's hand was an anchor. "I was supposed to kill him, I can still feel those orders in my head. I know you're the same person, but my orders were to kill Captain America and you're-- that's not you yet. I'm scared I'm going to hurt him."

That's the difference, the big one, nothing to do with Steve finding him attractive or being in love with him at all.

It was looks like those that made it so hard for Steve to keep his boundaries. It was looks like those that the other Steve didn't get and so had managed to live his life purely without his feelings for Bucky getting in the way of everything.

He leaned in as Bucky did. Body language could lie but none of this was done purposefully. Their hips and chests reacted to each other like magnets, barely held apart. They were sunflower to sun, always following the other in orbit.

"He can handle you," Steve said quickly. "I saw that first hand. He stopped you. He's stronger--" His smile ticked upwards. "If you haven't hurt him yet, chances are you wont. It's been months. And... Let's say something happened and you did try to hurt him. You saw how fast Mister Stark got to us, right? There's a whole building of superheroes across the lawn. You've never been more safe."

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