fossilised | For Steve

Bucky hesitated only a moment more before he was gone again, leaving Steve in the messy apartment with only his worry and the pain in his arm to keep him company. Though he was frightened, heart seeming to be thudding so loud that surely everyone on the street could hear it banging as loudly as a snare drum, he kept a fast pace towards the hotel lest he bottle out by going more slowly.

Best Western, Lake, room 16.

He slipped in the front entrance and straight to the elevator, which was operated by a black man in a bellhop uniform, and out onto the main floor of the hotel. So many rooms, so many places for enemies to hide. What if this was a trap? His footsteps were stealthy and cautious as he made his way to the door of room sixteen and knocked.

This was it, no turning back now.

The door was opened immediately and Steve felt relief in his heart no matter how much the other man scowled at him. He couldn't help the hopeful look on his face. "I'm glad you came, pal," he said truthfully.

The door would shut behind Bucky but Steve wouldn't block the door. He stayed back so that all edits were open for the other man to run if he needed to.

"Care to sit? I can get you something to drink?" He wanted to be a good host. He wanted Bucky to feel like he could relax here.

It would take more than a drink or an unblocked exit to make Bucky feel like he could relax in this room. His muscles were corded so tightly under his skin that it seemed as if he may as well be made of steel. It was more of a threat to be face to face with this Steve, this was one who could actually possibly restrain him if he wanted to and who had damn well nearly beaten him on the helicarrier in a fight. Probably would have beaten him if he hadn't been determined not to kill or even really hurt his opponent.

"I don't want to go back."

It was immediate and soft, the first words he had spoken to Steve since they had fought above the Potomac.

"I'm hunted there, I'm safe here."

This Stevd had the same softening of the eyes that the other had when they felt sorrow and were trying not to let it be known. The edges of his smile were frayed. He had bad news. Looking at Steve was like looking at a picture book. He was painfully easy to get a good read from. Likely, howevef, because he wasn't actually trying to hide anything.

Not from Bucky, and certainly not when he had been told that the other man had been conditioned into believing he wasn't anything more than a weapon. Steve wanted to be more approachable than Bucky thought him to be.

"It's not, Buck. There are HYDRA operatives here. I've been trying to track them. I just don't have the same resources now that I do back at home. It's safer to be there. We can protect you. I can protect you."

"I have to protect Steve," he said, voice low and level. It was a flimsy excuse and one of the lesser of the reasons that he didn't want to go back, because Steve had already said that he wouldn't lose him no matter what, but it was easier than explaining he feared a trap and he didn't want to put himself in the hands of anyone. Not even Captain America.

He didn't deny that there were HYDRA operatives, though. It sent a cold swoop of fear through his belly, but he could outrun them. He had kept free for at least three months before he had been pulled from his time into this one, he could keep doing it again. Steve might not have the resources here, but surely that meant neither did they.

"Protect me how?"

Trying to complain the compound ended up being a lot more difficult than Steve initially thought it would be. "And it has a pool," he offered, which by all accounted sounded lame. "It's defendable, Bucky. Stark has the technology to make it almost impenetrable. HYDRA won't wait resources trying to attach a hundred acres of private property in upstate New York." Probably. "The people that have access are all good people. Some of them are even soldiers like we were. Do you remember the Commandos? It's.... Okay it's not really like that but maybe it will be one day. We're all working towards a common goal. We want to keep the world safe. And... You're part of that world. For me. Bucky, I want to help."

It felt strange playing this off of himself. He didn't want to keep Bucky from protecting his younger self but at the same time, Steve never put himself first. And they were basically the same person. Bucky was his priority.

"And we can keep him safe too."

If Steve had to be a carrot then so be it.

"You'd let me bring him?"

He was immediately suspicious of that. He wasn't exactly an expert on how time worked, he was no scientist, but he had read a heck of a lot of dime science fiction novels in his youth (which, stupidly, were some of the only really clear memories from back then), and there had always been problems with paradox and doubles.

"I don't even know if he wants to come, he wants to complete Project Rebirth with Dr. Erskine, he wants to become you. If he came, could he still do that?"

Do they have access to the serum in the future? Could Steve still become Cap? Would it be too weird with two Captain Americas running around?

"It's not about letting you, Bucky. If it's possible... Yes. I don't know what it would do to the timeline but it's already been ruined. The war shouldn't be over for two more years. He should already be me. Erskine should be dead. I'm keeping an eye on him because HYDRA is probably here hoping to get his serum and technology. They've killed for it before."

Bucky himself had killed for it. Tony's parents were dead for that research. Bruce Banner had been changed trying to replicate it. Who knew how many other people were effected by it.

"We have to be careful here, because I don't know what is changing back there. I need to head to Italy to save the other Bucky or you might cease to exist too," he pointed out. "In the usual timeline, I would be saving you and the commandos in about two weeks from a HYDRA base." He had no idea that Bucky here was already dead. "We might have Erskine's research now but he doesn't have to go through Project Rebirth. He wasn't properly trained for it."

There didn't need to be more than one Captain Ameroca.

"I'm doing my best to hold everything together, pal."

Bucky knew that the war had ended prematurely, but he didn't think that they could be altering the timeline that much because... well, obviously he hadn't vanished. He couldn't know, but HYDRA had miscalculated. It was impossible to go back into their own time without creating a paradox, for any action they took would immediately be undone by the circumstances they wished to reverse not existing for them to want to reverse them. They had gone to one of the hundreds of other similar dimensions, so nothing was altering in Steve's real time.

"He's dead."

Blunt, cold.

"The other me. He died in the HYDRA base in Italy, his body was sent home a week or two back, he's been buried."

Much as the other Steve had done, this one looked momentarily stricken before his face hardened. He had grown to understand that men die. He'd already lost Bucky and had grieved for him. It wasn't easier for him to hear the news so much as that he understood what it meant and he was emotionally equipped to pretend it didn't effect him.

"I'm very sorry to hear that. I think there was... There must have been a miscalculation. Tony isn't going to check in for another two days so i won't know what's going on back from our present." He rubbed a hand over his forehead and then looked up at Bucky.

He felt terribly. Everything about this moment was sad and filled with longing and regret.

"I wish I had done more for you, Bucky. I wish I knew how to help. I don't want you to run away from me. I... I understand if you blame me and hate me for what happened to you. I failed you. I just want the chance to help you now. You're... My family."

Bucky didn't grieve for the other him, he envied him. That was a Bucky who would never know what it was like to be stripped of his sense of self, to be beaten down in such a way that he would work for the enemy for decades. He might have suffered some pain, but he died as himself, and that was something to be celebrated in Bucky's mind rather than mourned.

"You didn't fail me," he said, voice a snap just as it had been when the other Steve had suggested that maybe Captain America had failed him by not stepping in to save him. "You have never failed me. You stopped-- you made me remember, I didn't think that was possible, and I'm free now because of you."

He scrubbed at his face, the only outward indication of how unnerved this whole situation made him. "But I'm not the Bucky you remember, and I'm not safe to be around, I don't want-- I'm scared of hurting you."

"But not him?" He didn't mean to be so rude pointing that out. He really didn't. And obviously, Bucky had already hurt Steve. It didn't matter what the younger version said. It was an accident, yes. A terrible one. But still one that Bucky had caused. "I can handle you. I can protect you from hurting other people."

He hated to be the one to mention this, but he already had a feeling that the other Steve said something similar. They were being realist about this in a way that Bucky did not seem too capable of homseld.

"I know you care for him. I know how he feels about you. And maybe it's a good idea that he does become be. The past will need him. But how long will that be, Buck? I can keep you safe now."

Bucky stiffened from head to foot and his expression darkened by several degrees, half in guilt and half in anger. Was this out of jealousy? Had Steve changed so much over the decades that he had morphed from the man who was willing to give him up if it was what was best for him, to one who would resent any other Steve having him?

"I didn't mean to hurt him, and he-- I didn't attack him over the Potomac."

He could still remember the blood, the way that Steve had almost died and it had all been his fault.

"You were my last target, you-- Captain America, not him. I'm scared that might be latent inside me still."

This was not jealousy-- well. Maybe a little. Steve could keep that in for the most part. Sort of. He'd been embarrassed by his questioning of Howard Stark's intentions against Peggy Carter and he didn't want to go there again. Not with himself. This wasn't a friendship competition. If it was, Steve thought that he would have left Bucky with the other Steve because he needed him. God knew that Steve had needed Bucky at that age too. Especially when he didn't have the serum to back him up.

"I know-- I know you didn't mean to-- That was low of me. He said you have real bad dreams. And you sometimes forget who you are. And he's working win you on that. I'm grateful to him. But it doesn't matter if I was your last target. You aren't the Winter Soldier. Not you. And I know you'd never try to hurt me. But I can at least keep you from hurting anyone else. Accidentally. But only if you'll let me."

He leaned back with his arms crossed.

"Please let me help. If you want me to do that by going away, I will. I promise. Tell me to go and you'll never see me again."

For all his panic about actually meeting up with Steve, now that he was in the same room as him the idea of him going away forever and never coming back sent a bolt of fear through him stronger than almost anything else. It was so stupid, like there were two halves of him at war, and it made him less reliable to deal with than he should be.

"I can't leave him. But if you let me bring him, I'll come."

The compound sounded like a prison, and he didn't know any of the other people there other than by reputation, but he would trust Steve enough that he could leave if he had to when and if he wanted to.

"I don't know if I'm worth all this effort, but I'll try."

And there was that horrible hope that pulled at Steve's fuller, more adult face. He was so very pleased that his whole face seemed to smile. "Good. I'll talk to Tony and make arrangements." He didn't try to hug Bucky, but he looked like he wanted to. Like this entire life had just been put back on track again and if he wasn't a man and stronger than that, he'd burst into happy tears.

Steve sat down at the table by the single window and pulled some money out of his pocket. It was all authentic and probably more valuable than the face value given Tony's jest about needing to spend three times the money he was handing Steve to go save the day. Again.

"You know... There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. That's not how we are, Buck. It's okay if you don't remember that. But it's you and me. To the end of the line. And I don't see an end anywhere in sight." He handed over a few hundred dollars. "Will you come back day after next? Bring him with you. We can figure it out together."

It was hard not to see that the other Steve had been right about this one. They both loved Bucky. His eyes glowed with that love, the same as his smaller self's did.

Bucky didn't really need the money, he had taken enough of his own, but he pocketed it anyway because he wanted enough to be able to buy medication and food and clothes and anything else that Steve wanted in the meantime. It felt like a pact when he took that money, a silent promise that he would come back.

"Yeah, I'll come back then." He hesitated, voice growing softer and more unsure. "I'm trusting you, Steve, don't lock me up."

And without waiting for a reply, he turned and practically bolted out of the hotel room and down to the streets below again. By the time he made it back to the apartment, he had been gone almost two hours, slipping back inside on silent feet like a shadow, carrying a big bag that smelled of hot food.

"Steve?"

Was he here? Had he gone? Was it safe?

The running water would be a clue as to where Steve was, but with the door open and Steve having smelled fresh when he found him on the doorstep, that he was bathing again seemed unlikely. A coughing "welcome home" thst sounded more like a gut punch then any actual words slipped through the water fall noise, followed by a little commotion of a guy trying to cover something up.

Steve didn't like to look weak. The stress coupled with the cold walk home and the sudden and irrational thought that Bucky was never going to come back had led Steve to seek out the steam of the bath. Bucky would find Steve sitting on the edge of the tub, one side damp from the splash of water, buttons of his shirt half undone, looking a little sheepish and a little sad and a little embarrassed. There was no such things as panic attacks to the gener population in the 40s and so he'd been sitting here trying to figure out what was making his chest hurt for almost forty minutes now.

The steam just didn't seem to be helping matters at all.

"Sorry-- Almost done," he whimpered. It was pathetic.

Bucky turned off the water when he came in the bathroom, there was enough steam in here to fill the room pretty consistently already, and instead crouched in front of Steve to reach out and press the tips of his flesh fingers to the bare skin of Steve's chest where it was showing through the open shirt.

"Deep breath in."

It was a firm instruction. Not angry or too concerned, just efficient. He needed to see how constricted Steve's lungs were and how badly off he was. If he needed a hospital, or if the attack might pass on its own, because he had no idea this was panic and not asthma affecting him.

"I'm here."

If society had allowed it, Steve might burst into tears. Those simple words and the promise that came with them caused Steve to nod before he lifted his hand to Bucky's jaw. He was breathing all right, the other man would notice. Just a few little hitches, emotion and not fluid or mucus. Steve was all right, just afraid that he would not see Bucky again. He wasn't sure if he hoped that Steve would have managed to convince him to go to the future where it was safe or if Bucky had been spooked again and ran. Either was enough to rip holes in his heart new and unusual ways.

"You're here," he partially repeated, and his voice sounded stronger too now. He leaned down and settled his forehead to Bucky's the way that the taller man had done to him the night before.

If Steve was braver, he'd kissing him. Steve found his eyes closing as he thought it again. If he was braver? But he was brave. He was strong and he never backed down. Why should he hide how he felt when Bucky had already accepted him? Stomach fluttering with butterflies, Steve lightly pressed his lips to Bucky's. The contact was soft and brief, hardly capable of overwhelming either of them. "I feel better now."

Bucky didn't shy away from the kiss, though it was over and Steve had pulled back before he could even think about whether to return it or not. He didn't mind, if anything it made the tension in his own muscles drain away just a little bit as if he had grasped hold of a life raft in the middle of a stormy sea.

"I would have come back sooner if I knew you were ill. I went to get food for you on the way."

He was definitely getting better with some small autonomy and with longer sentences now that he had spent some time with Steve. It was a work in progress, baby steps, but it was happening and proof that Steve was good for him in almost every way.

"He asked me to go back with him, he said I could bring you. I won't go if you don't want to come."

Quick kisses were the only things that Steve could manage. He was too new at this and too afraid to mess something up. Bucky was a pro, he had so much experience under his belt even if he didn't remember it. And the kiss from the night before? Well that skill had made Steve swoon. He wasn't comfortable enough yet to try to recreate that.

Setting his hand on Bucky's shoulder, and about to say that he was really famished and could use a good meal, his words fell short on his tongue as he blinked down at the man still crouched at his feet.

"With-- Buck, I'll go where you going Steve said quickly. He had no ties here save for Erskine but he didn't doubt that the man would find another person for his super soldier. Or maybe he needed to become Captain America so that the other Steve did? But no. Bucky was still here--

Steve sputtered just a little before he laughed and confided in Bucky that he was overthinking things.

"So we're still in this together then?"

"'Til the end of the line."

Bucky's words were soft and he let his hand linger on Steve's chest for a little while longer, not really cognisant of just how much his words, his touch, his everything affected the smaller man in front of him. All he knew was that he had assigned himself as this Steve's protector, it was the first mission that he had given himself in so many years, and he didn't plan on letting it go so easily.

"I told you that I won't leave you, no matter what. I'll go to this place, this-- he said it's safe, but not without you, and I'm not staying if they try to trap me."

He knew he was asking a lot. He was asking Steve to abandon his possible future, abandon the serum, abandon everything he knew and take a leap of faith seventy years down the line with an older version of himself and a broken man who used to be his best friend.

Who still was his best friend. "I guess I have to start doing s better job of knowing that when you say you'll come back, you'll really come back," he replied. Every lingering touch was more than worth it. Even if each successive touch was the last he'd ever feel, he would have the ones that preceded it in his mind forever. Bright blue eyes searched the dissipating steam for some sign of emotion in Bucky's eyes. Some relief or maybe some fear he could help quell. He lightly scratched up to his hairline instead when there was just blankness and exhaled more deeply than he had managed in a long while. "I told him it would feel like a prison, but he got-- He was kind of upset that I even thought that. He's trying to help. And there might be something in the future that can help you. If they can go all Jules Vern on us then, wow, Buck. It's going to be a wild ride don't you think?"

He was excited to experience it with Bucky.

Out of the bathroom and sitting down for that meal Bucky brought home, Steve a little damp but the warmth in the room not bothering him too badly, the smaller man frowned lightly as if coming up with a thought he didn't like and set his fork down.

"Are you sure you're okay with me being like this? And not like him, I mean?"

"Why would I need you to be like him?"

Bucky genuinely didn't get it, and the blankness in his eyes melted just slightly to confusion. It had never been about muscles for him, not even when he had been a Howling Commando and they had been talking about following him as a hero. What Bucky had loved about Steve ever since they met was him, who he was at the core of himself. His bravery, his kindness, his compassion. He was perfect whether his body was an ailing asthmatic or a Grecian god.

"I'll always come back to you, I promised."

Whether or not had voiced something as stringent as a promise out loud before was up for debate, but he meant it all the same.

"You'll always come back to me, won't you? You won't let me lose who I am again."

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