fossilised | For Steve

The apartment door swung open at Steve's weak knock, it hadn't been closed properly and so the latch hadn't taken. Inside, the place looked as if a bomb had hit it, the evidence of someone clawing through all their possessions looking for something specific quite clear from the clothes and furniture scattered haphazardly around.

On the floor by the bedroom door were four bottles of painkillers in varying strengths, obviously newly acquired, and a bag of clothes roughly in Steve's size.

But there was no sign of Bucky himself, and the man's backpack was also missing.

"Mmmmm..." It was the most that Steve could manage to vocalize for several long minutes as he stepped inside and shut the door. He sat back against it, knees up and head down, for a good long time, left overs sitting beside him in a paper container, soaking through to the carpet. He'd been alone before, but he'd never felt so alone.

Eventually, he took some medication. He struggled out of his clothing. He crawled into his bed. He even slept, dreams filled with Bucky abandoning him. It wasn't his best friend's fault. How could it be? He'd been spooked. He ran. Steve didn't blame him when his freedom was on the line. And he would have just slowed him down.

Morning came and with it, just the chill from sleeping alone. Steve cleaned up their things, he put away what he could. He bathed and then dressed.

And then he wrote Bucky a note on the back of a postcard he'd found in a drawer, left by the last tenant. He wrote down the name of the hotel and the address and the room. And then he set off to find his counterpart. Because what else was there for him? He needed answers.

When Steve had finished writing his postcard and opened the door to head out towards the hotel, he would find Bucky sitting on the doorstep like a parcel that had been left by the mailman or a lost dog with nowhere else to go. He looked dishevelled, hair a wild mess around his head even as short as it had been cut in basic training, and he looked up as soon as the door opened.

His eyes were dark, frightened, and desperate.

Bucky scrambled to his feet as soon as the door was open, facing Steve as if unsure if he saw friend or foe, though at least his words were in English when he spoke.

"You're leaving?"

Steve couldn't help but huff in relief, one arm immediately going around Bucky whether the other man wanted it to or not. "I don't have to now," he breathed. "I already found you." He didn't have to seek the Captain's help now. "You worried me sick, Buck. Why are you waiting out here? Come inside."

He wasn't going to take no for an answer either. Luckily, there was no one across the hall from them to watch Steve take Bucky by the hand and tug him into their living room.

And no one to see the smaller man shake a little with the emotional relief he felt running down his spine. His eyes brimmed, but the tears did not fall.

"You can't just do that. You have to leave a note next time. You just-- You left. I didn't know what to do." Steve lightly hit his fist against Bucky's chest and exhaled raggedly.

Edited 2017-02-14 14:14 (UTC)

Bucky could quite easily plant his feet like a tree and refuse to move, Steve wasn't nearly strong enough to bring him inside, but he didn't resist at all. He let Steve pull him inside and shut the door again, he let the smaller man hold him, and he let him hit his chest lightly.

"Sorry."

He hadn't meant to scare Steve, he had just panicked. He had come back here, but then had been sure that Steve would be followed and so he had fled again. He had made it outside of the city limits before he had calmed down enough to realise he had to go back for Steve. He couldn't leave him.

"...does he know? Does he know where we are?"

Though Steve would be happy to hear that he had been returned to, that Bucky left in the first place was what had given him insight into what his older self was feeling. "I asked him not to follow me. He gave his word. He knew we would come to DC. He just happened to run into us accidentally at the bistro." Steve let his hand fall from Bucky's chest and picked up the postcard he had left for him.

Went out to find you. Hoping Captain America can help. Best Western on Lake. Room 16. Your Steve.

Maybe the signature could have been better. Maybe he shouldn't have been so possessive or implied Bucky's possessiveness but he didn't want to lose what he had only just tasted. Not yet. "He had infortmstion. He had a safe place where you can go and no one can get you. He just wants to talk to you because HYDRA is behind all of this-- Bucky, he's me. And since he's me-- He loves you. He just wants to help."

"You think I should talk to him?"

Bucky really didn't want to, but he didn't know if he could vocalise exactly the reason why. He didn't want to hurt Steve, any Steve, and he had a feeling that if he accepted more than one of them into his life that they would all end up getting hurt. He could see it in that signature. Your Steve.

"I'm scared."

Maybe it wasn't socially acceptable for a man to admit that out loud, but Bucky did anyway because it was true. Because he wasn't ashamed of saying how he felt in front of Steve or anyone, shame had been stripped from him years ago.

"I'm scared too," Steve said immediately. "I'm scared that I'm going to lose you to yourself or to the men after you--" He'd admitted so much that after a breath, he continued: "Or to him. To Steve. You're probably safer with him but I-- I don't want to let you go if I can help it." He didn't like being so emotionally vulnerable about this. Hadn't he been enough?

This whole experience was stripping him down and leaving him like a raw nerve, always trying to cover up what he could so as to not make it more awkward with Bucky.

God-- Maybe God had ended up abandoning him after all.

His jaw set, weak and soft. He didn't look very fierce or ferocious but it was clear that he was trying to be.

"I think you should talk to him because you should have all the options, Buck. And I'll be there. You can always run if you need to." With or without him. He'd understand.

"What if... what if I ended up wanting both of you?"

He wasn't saying that would happen, but one of the reasons he was scared of facing Steve was that he feared he wouldn't be able to walk away afterwards. And it wasn't that one Steve was interchangeable with another, but surely this Steve understood. He would have taken both Buckys, wouldn't he, if the other had returned from the war? And he would have loved them both.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, looking as if he might bolt right then and there before he had even made a decision.

"I don't want to lose you either."

Steve absolutely would have loved them both. As friends. At that point, he had never been planning to confess anything to Bucky. He was sure he would have been doomed if he had. He didn't even want to confess it to himself, not really. But he understood what Bucky meant, even if it killed Steve just a little.

It was bad enough to love two men and be friends with them and another to slide into sharing a partner. Wasn't it bad enough that he was attracted to Bucky so unwholesomely already? Steve couldn't school his face properly so he just smiled sadly.

"You're an idiot if you think you'll ever lose me, Buck. I will always be your friend. Always. And if you want him too-- Well why would that change anything? You can have us both. We each want your friendship." And more. So much more. But they were equally good at denying that.

It was a comfort to hear that he wouldn't lose Steve, he didn't know what he would do without him. This Steve, at least, had proven that he wasn't going to trap Bucky or damage him any further, and he had earned Bucky's intense loyalty and need to protect him in return.

"...I'll talk to him."

It didn't seem like he had much choice. The other Steve just kept coming, and this Steve already showed the toll of running even once, pinched expression with pain and pale, he wasn't built for a life on the run.

"I promise I'll come back here to you."

Whether that was to run or talk, he didn't know yet.

Though Steve smiled, his heart was not in it. He didn't reach for a hug and he couldn't bring himself to kiss Bucky so he stepped back. "And I'll be right here waiting for you," he promised.

He was not the only Steve Rogers in this city who was waiting, alone and sad and trying to figure out what to say on the off chance that Bucky showed up, or what to do if the pre-serum version of himself came instead. At least if neither came, Steve wouldn't have to say anything. He would just go back on his primary mission to hunt down HYDRA operatives until Tony's machine could recharge and pin point a spot to either send another Avenger back in time or pluck him out of the past should they destroy HYDRA's ability to come here themselves.

He didn't like waiting. He hated not knowing. It was stressful.

Bucky hesitated only a moment more before he was gone again, leaving Steve in the messy apartment with only his worry and the pain in his arm to keep him company. Though he was frightened, heart seeming to be thudding so loud that surely everyone on the street could hear it banging as loudly as a snare drum, he kept a fast pace towards the hotel lest he bottle out by going more slowly.

Best Western, Lake, room 16.

He slipped in the front entrance and straight to the elevator, which was operated by a black man in a bellhop uniform, and out onto the main floor of the hotel. So many rooms, so many places for enemies to hide. What if this was a trap? His footsteps were stealthy and cautious as he made his way to the door of room sixteen and knocked.

This was it, no turning back now.

The door was opened immediately and Steve felt relief in his heart no matter how much the other man scowled at him. He couldn't help the hopeful look on his face. "I'm glad you came, pal," he said truthfully.

The door would shut behind Bucky but Steve wouldn't block the door. He stayed back so that all edits were open for the other man to run if he needed to.

"Care to sit? I can get you something to drink?" He wanted to be a good host. He wanted Bucky to feel like he could relax here.

It would take more than a drink or an unblocked exit to make Bucky feel like he could relax in this room. His muscles were corded so tightly under his skin that it seemed as if he may as well be made of steel. It was more of a threat to be face to face with this Steve, this was one who could actually possibly restrain him if he wanted to and who had damn well nearly beaten him on the helicarrier in a fight. Probably would have beaten him if he hadn't been determined not to kill or even really hurt his opponent.

"I don't want to go back."

It was immediate and soft, the first words he had spoken to Steve since they had fought above the Potomac.

"I'm hunted there, I'm safe here."

This Stevd had the same softening of the eyes that the other had when they felt sorrow and were trying not to let it be known. The edges of his smile were frayed. He had bad news. Looking at Steve was like looking at a picture book. He was painfully easy to get a good read from. Likely, howevef, because he wasn't actually trying to hide anything.

Not from Bucky, and certainly not when he had been told that the other man had been conditioned into believing he wasn't anything more than a weapon. Steve wanted to be more approachable than Bucky thought him to be.

"It's not, Buck. There are HYDRA operatives here. I've been trying to track them. I just don't have the same resources now that I do back at home. It's safer to be there. We can protect you. I can protect you."

"I have to protect Steve," he said, voice low and level. It was a flimsy excuse and one of the lesser of the reasons that he didn't want to go back, because Steve had already said that he wouldn't lose him no matter what, but it was easier than explaining he feared a trap and he didn't want to put himself in the hands of anyone. Not even Captain America.

He didn't deny that there were HYDRA operatives, though. It sent a cold swoop of fear through his belly, but he could outrun them. He had kept free for at least three months before he had been pulled from his time into this one, he could keep doing it again. Steve might not have the resources here, but surely that meant neither did they.

"Protect me how?"

Trying to complain the compound ended up being a lot more difficult than Steve initially thought it would be. "And it has a pool," he offered, which by all accounted sounded lame. "It's defendable, Bucky. Stark has the technology to make it almost impenetrable. HYDRA won't wait resources trying to attach a hundred acres of private property in upstate New York." Probably. "The people that have access are all good people. Some of them are even soldiers like we were. Do you remember the Commandos? It's.... Okay it's not really like that but maybe it will be one day. We're all working towards a common goal. We want to keep the world safe. And... You're part of that world. For me. Bucky, I want to help."

It felt strange playing this off of himself. He didn't want to keep Bucky from protecting his younger self but at the same time, Steve never put himself first. And they were basically the same person. Bucky was his priority.

"And we can keep him safe too."

If Steve had to be a carrot then so be it.

"You'd let me bring him?"

He was immediately suspicious of that. He wasn't exactly an expert on how time worked, he was no scientist, but he had read a heck of a lot of dime science fiction novels in his youth (which, stupidly, were some of the only really clear memories from back then), and there had always been problems with paradox and doubles.

"I don't even know if he wants to come, he wants to complete Project Rebirth with Dr. Erskine, he wants to become you. If he came, could he still do that?"

Do they have access to the serum in the future? Could Steve still become Cap? Would it be too weird with two Captain Americas running around?

"It's not about letting you, Bucky. If it's possible... Yes. I don't know what it would do to the timeline but it's already been ruined. The war shouldn't be over for two more years. He should already be me. Erskine should be dead. I'm keeping an eye on him because HYDRA is probably here hoping to get his serum and technology. They've killed for it before."

Bucky himself had killed for it. Tony's parents were dead for that research. Bruce Banner had been changed trying to replicate it. Who knew how many other people were effected by it.

"We have to be careful here, because I don't know what is changing back there. I need to head to Italy to save the other Bucky or you might cease to exist too," he pointed out. "In the usual timeline, I would be saving you and the commandos in about two weeks from a HYDRA base." He had no idea that Bucky here was already dead. "We might have Erskine's research now but he doesn't have to go through Project Rebirth. He wasn't properly trained for it."

There didn't need to be more than one Captain Ameroca.

"I'm doing my best to hold everything together, pal."

Bucky knew that the war had ended prematurely, but he didn't think that they could be altering the timeline that much because... well, obviously he hadn't vanished. He couldn't know, but HYDRA had miscalculated. It was impossible to go back into their own time without creating a paradox, for any action they took would immediately be undone by the circumstances they wished to reverse not existing for them to want to reverse them. They had gone to one of the hundreds of other similar dimensions, so nothing was altering in Steve's real time.

"He's dead."

Blunt, cold.

"The other me. He died in the HYDRA base in Italy, his body was sent home a week or two back, he's been buried."

Much as the other Steve had done, this one looked momentarily stricken before his face hardened. He had grown to understand that men die. He'd already lost Bucky and had grieved for him. It wasn't easier for him to hear the news so much as that he understood what it meant and he was emotionally equipped to pretend it didn't effect him.

"I'm very sorry to hear that. I think there was... There must have been a miscalculation. Tony isn't going to check in for another two days so i won't know what's going on back from our present." He rubbed a hand over his forehead and then looked up at Bucky.

He felt terribly. Everything about this moment was sad and filled with longing and regret.

"I wish I had done more for you, Bucky. I wish I knew how to help. I don't want you to run away from me. I... I understand if you blame me and hate me for what happened to you. I failed you. I just want the chance to help you now. You're... My family."

Bucky didn't grieve for the other him, he envied him. That was a Bucky who would never know what it was like to be stripped of his sense of self, to be beaten down in such a way that he would work for the enemy for decades. He might have suffered some pain, but he died as himself, and that was something to be celebrated in Bucky's mind rather than mourned.

"You didn't fail me," he said, voice a snap just as it had been when the other Steve had suggested that maybe Captain America had failed him by not stepping in to save him. "You have never failed me. You stopped-- you made me remember, I didn't think that was possible, and I'm free now because of you."

He scrubbed at his face, the only outward indication of how unnerved this whole situation made him. "But I'm not the Bucky you remember, and I'm not safe to be around, I don't want-- I'm scared of hurting you."

"But not him?" He didn't mean to be so rude pointing that out. He really didn't. And obviously, Bucky had already hurt Steve. It didn't matter what the younger version said. It was an accident, yes. A terrible one. But still one that Bucky had caused. "I can handle you. I can protect you from hurting other people."

He hated to be the one to mention this, but he already had a feeling that the other Steve said something similar. They were being realist about this in a way that Bucky did not seem too capable of homseld.

"I know you care for him. I know how he feels about you. And maybe it's a good idea that he does become be. The past will need him. But how long will that be, Buck? I can keep you safe now."

Bucky stiffened from head to foot and his expression darkened by several degrees, half in guilt and half in anger. Was this out of jealousy? Had Steve changed so much over the decades that he had morphed from the man who was willing to give him up if it was what was best for him, to one who would resent any other Steve having him?

"I didn't mean to hurt him, and he-- I didn't attack him over the Potomac."

He could still remember the blood, the way that Steve had almost died and it had all been his fault.

"You were my last target, you-- Captain America, not him. I'm scared that might be latent inside me still."

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